I have no spirituality. And somehow I seek it. I want to believe there is an afterlife, a collective energy, some state of omnipotence and reunification. This is the problem of the agnostic; there is nothing from which to hang your hat. In the months following the death, I have had atheist friends say, “Dead is dead,” and other more ethereal friends cryptically say, “Look for the signs”.
If the signs are in dreams, all of mine have been bad. I’ve seen my loved one in dreams but he is often uninterested, distant, grumpy, and fleeting. The situations have been of me standing on ground that is liquifying and/or a house collapsing on me and me trying to figure out where to run. There is a lot of water in the dreams, always rushing and always a danger.
I remember an old photo of my love and an ex-flame standing next to the Golden Gate Bridge on a foggy morning. As I resume my life, I find that my short contract job requires me to commute over that Golden Gate Bridge twice a day. The memory of that photo irked me. Where did they stand? Where did they stand? Where did they stand?
Perhaps this was a sign? Something is calling me to that spot?! So reluctantly, I reached out to the ex-flame, a very lovely girl who happened to be one of the extremely spiritual. “I don’t know why I’m doing this, but I am called to honor this feeling,” I had emailed to her. She was delighted. She has felt his spirit nearby, just not speaking. (Great. I haven’t felt him in months.) She detailed the spot: sun was rising to the left, big building, San Francisco center in the background.
AHA! I know where they were! That’s the vista site on the Sausalito side of the bridge. I thank her profusely and vow to myself to check that spot out on my commute after my last day of work the next day.
The next day arrives, I hurry through my duties, and hop into my car. I don’t know why I am called, but I am answering the call. It’s a sign, right?!? Luckily I am heading southbound INTO the city which is considered a ‘reverse-commute’ so traffic is minimal for me. I see the observation site!!! I hungrily exit…. the site is to my left, so all I have to do is go under the bridge and pick up the road to the site….
Wait. The southbound road does NOT go to the site! The site is only accessible by the northbound route!!! I anxiously circle the area. There is NO WAY I can drive to it, not from this direction. Frustration washes over me. I’m trying to answer the call dammit!!!!
Fine, I’ll go northbound and pay the toll twice just to see what’s so special about this spot! I drive quickly over the bridge. I hop onto the road that connects to the northbound route. And…. bumper to bumper TRAFFIC. THIS is the regular commute traffic!!! Good god! I sit in the traffic for 10 minutes, and I am still not even on the bridge. I pull off the road in irritation and find myself in a quasi-dirt parking lot.
I stare at the bridge from my car vantage point. I get out. It’s cold. It’s foggy here. I wrap my jacket closer to my body and I walk the 50+ steps to the edge so I can get a better view. I see it, I see the traffic on it, I see the ‘spot’ on the other side bathed in the sunshine that is characteristic of the Sausalito side of the bridge. It seems so FAR.
What was the calling? Was it to show me that he- the loved one- is on the ‘other side’ and is bathed in happy sunshine? That from now on, I must think of us as living between two points? That one must pay the toll to see one another? That you can only see him if you’re going the right direction?
IS THIS THE SIGN? IS THIS THE LESSON? AM I GOING CRAZY?
And I can’t know. I don’t know if it’s my mind trying to connect two unconnected dots, or if this spinning is a whisper from the heavens.
All I can do is go home now, and hope for better dreams at night.