Here it is, Thanksgiving weekend! I’m going to impress my man’s family! Oh yes I am! I am armed with my best green beans recipe and the secret to a Brown Betty crust that is to-die-for! I will be humorous and gracious! I will not talk about sex or politics or religion! I’m dressed in my Thanksgiving best! (Argle sweater with dark jeans: tasteful and casual, check!) I’m driving down the I-5 freeway from San Francisco to Los Angeles singing the Dixie Chicks “Landslide”at full volume! 5 1/2 hours til first impression made!
It’s dark. I like to drive long distances at night cuz I can hit 85 mph without fear of the dreaded CA Highway Patrol. (It’s when you hit 90 mph they become suspicious!)
I need to pee.
You see, I was under this wonderful impression that I’d just hold it until I got through the mountainous Grapevine and I’d pee gloriously in Santa Clarita… about 25 minutes of drive time. I didn’t know that Caltrans was going to take 4 lanes and squeeze it down to ONE! ONE lane?! During Thanksgiving weekend?! My sphinter can’t hold it all in!
I’m down to two lanes. Next to me is a semi-truck and he can see me as I pull down my Thanksgiving pants to my knees. I’m now sitting flesh against leather bucket seat. Do I pee into the Arrowhead bottle? NO! I don’t have that good of an aim!
Ah! A coffee cup! I shall pee into the coffee cup!
I position myself above the cup. As a woman- versus a man- it’s all guesswork. I THINK the hole is positioned correctly. It’s not like I can stick the whole head of my schlong into the cup and KNOW the hole’s in the cup. I release.
Success! I can hear myself tinkle joyfully into the cup like a zen fountain sold at Brookestone! I can pee anywhere! I scoff at you, Mr. Truckdriver! I am peeing gracefully into a cup!
Wait! Wait! Why do I feel wet?
Stop! Stop sphinter! Close close close! Stop the waterfall! Ack! I feel wet on my bum! It’s getting higher! Did I miss? Did I move my perfect cup positioning?
No. Apparently I have filled a venti cup full of urine! (I’ve been drinking more water later to enhance my skin tone. It actually does look more dewey btw, thank you for asking.) My urine is escaping like water over the edge of an infinity pool! My perfect Thanksgiving casual-yet-chic jeans are wet! My demure-yet-festive Thanksgiving blouse is splashed! I am like a homeless person giving myself a golden shower inside my used Nissan Infiniti!
I hastily open the door and spill the contents at 3 mph. What to do? I am sitting in a puddle of my own warm urine. I can’t pull over because there’s no shoulder on the road. I’m stuck with my pants around my knees driving next to Mr. amused Truckdriver.
For this thanksgiving, I am thankful for two things: 1) copious amounts of hand sanitizer 2) non-porous leather bucket seats. And oh yes, I am thankful that his parents were asleep by the time I rolled into L.A….