Stupidly, I tried to avoid the car that cut me off by braking hard and (the dumb part) turning my wheel and hoping to get into the lane next to us. Well, the car took over after that. I spun across all 4 lanes of traffic and ended up by the center divide wall facing oncoming traffic. And the miracle? NOTHING HAPPENED. There were no cars in my direct path, and all the oncoming traffic braked in time as I watched in horror as they screeched around me. The closest car to me was three feet from my engine. No one got hurt. Nothing was damaged.
My only thought the entire time I was spinning was the mundane thought of, “Wow, this is not good.” I won’t lie, I wondered if my fiance’s spirit was around. I wondered if he helped cushion my car. I wondered why the hell I was alive. I should be dead. Or badly maimed. Or be the cause of many liable suits. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.
So, I did what I always do when my nerves are jostled: I took off to the wilderness for another solo trek to find some sort of peace. I rented a kayak and camped by myself on a little tiny isolated beach called Fruit Tree Beach in the middle of the Point Reyes National Seashore. The beach was all mine. Most everyone goes to Marshall or Tomales Beach -because they have toilets- but me? I’m willing to poop into a tupperware container and bring it back to mainland with me.
Night fell. At 8:30pm, I grumpily suited back up into my wetsuit. I heard that if I paddled at night, I would see a display of bioluminescence unparalleled to any other. I’ve never seen bioluminescence. My fiance had told me about it. He was a sailor and had sailed in night time waters that he said “rivaled the stars in light”.
Bullshit, I had scoffed.
So here I was, pulling my kayak down the sandy beach. I was grumpy because it took energy to get out here. Also, I had taken a badly-timed afternoon kayak jaunt around the bay when the winds were at their highest and I was at my most overestimated abilities. I just wanted to sleep.
I plopped the kayak into the water.
What was that?
Flecks of LIGHT!
The minute I stepped into the water, it was if James’ Cameron’s “Avatar in 3-D” was all over my feet. Green light flecks, like paper-thin flecks of floating ash, lit up as I splashed the waters. I’m agog.
I stepped into my kayak and paddled around the nearby cove sans headlight -or any light for that matter- and just watched my paddle electrify my eyes while the wake of water greeted me with sheets of illumination. Am I flying? It’s as if I was in a big black bubble- the dome of stars above me and the infinite glowing bubbles beneath me.
I remembered the hushed reverence my fiance had when he spoke of this phenomenon, and how he -as a young sailor aboard his sailboat dreaming of far away islands when he actually was just piddling in LA waters- would feel closer to a God because how could the world be so wonderful and so easy, really when we think about it?
And in that darkness, I felt the magic of the whole world making my heart burst so much that I felt that I too, was simply a part of the whole, that I too was just another amazing paper-thin fleck of ash emitting green light… and that was enough reason to be alive.