Door Signs

My husband politely asked me if I could suggest a pleasant door sign.

“My boss said that my door’s the only one in our department that’s closed, so I’d like people to know that they’re welcome to knock and come in, even if the door’s closed.”

“I’ll try to think of some signs for you,” I said.

I printed these out for him.

The Great KFC Anti-Phil Conspiracy

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Damnit, I’m just a red-blooded American man and as such occasionally I feel the need …the need for some KFC original recipe chicken and biscuits. Which is why what I am about to share with you is so disturbing. Up until very recently, there were three—count them three—KFC locations within a short distance from my home in the Los Feliz/Silver Lake area. Now, there are zero.

I repeat—zero.

The KFC on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood—CLOSED:

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The KFC on Virgil—CLOSED:

Meeting Jello Biafra

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He was standing against the wall, beer in hand, talking to a much younger blonde woman.  But it was getting late, and I was tired – if I wanted that autograph, I had to make my move.

Jello Biafra (former front man for the Dead Kennedys, political prankster and activist, founder of Alternative Tentacles Records, and all around punk rock royalty) was DJ-ing at my little dive bar, The Ruby Room, and I had vowed I would get the man to sign a couple of records.  I felt okay about this: after all, I had restrained myself from bringing ALL six of the LP’s I own, not to mention the handful of 45’s.

Jello’s work mattered to me.  Still does.

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YOMYOMF’s Summer Blockbuster Showdown — DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES!

APEYOMYOMF's Summer Blockbuster Showdown Part 5-01

Select Offenders will be reviewing this summer’s crop of Hollywood tentpole films with a scientifically tested set of criteria that was vetted, nurtured, dissected and regurgitated through the pop-culture gadflies who have nothing better to do than annoy other productive people in the YOMYOMF office. So, we channeled their nitpicks of the incessant reboots, remakes and rehashes that are part and parcel with Hollywood summer movies into this ongoing summer blog series called the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOWDOWN. You can read previous roundtable reviews, which are all archived here

In this edition, we review DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES! BTW, this roundtable review is chock full of spoilers. You’ve been warned!  

Creepy Shower Head Girlfriend

19-year-old Kiyuu Oikawa recently posted a blog about finding an original way to show his love for his girlfriend and the blog quickly became the most viewed on Sina Weibo aka China’s largest social media site. But before you assume the post’s popularity is due to a romantic or sweet gesture on this man’s part, you should know that what the dude actually did was make this:

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It’s a shower head modeled after his girlfriend’s face.

Let’s take a closer look at this, shall we?

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I don’t know about you, but here’s what I’ll say about this: HOLY SHIT! THAT IS CREEPY AS FUCK!

Around the Horn: Planetary Edition

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If you have to pick a planet to visit, which would it be? I’ve always been fascinated by Saturn because it has rings. Unfortunately, it’s mostly a gas planet so I don’t even think you can land on Saturn. But it’s absolutely beautiful and fascinating. Which planet fascinates you other than Earth?

DHH: Since this question assumes technological advances far beyond those currently available, I would want to visit one of those planets theoretically capable of sustaining human-like life. Gliese 667Cc is only 22 light years away, so that seems reasonable, right? Of course, if I did end up finding myself an immigrant alien, the inhabitants of Gliese 667Cc would probably kill me or dissect me or put me in a zoo or something, but it’d be interesting.

The Obligatory Jeremy Lin Lakers Blog

If you’re Asian American and spend time on the internet (i.e. everyone reading this blog), then you already know Jeremy Lin will soon come to L.A. as a Laker.

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And…well…yeah…that’s about it. I really have nothing to add to this topic that hasn’t already been said over and over and over again since word broke Friday, but figured I should blog about it in some way ‘cause it seems like every Asian American online is required to acknowledge this news or lose their membership in the Asian American club community.

SAF Seeking… The Path Not Taken

No, not spam and eggs... SPERM and eggs!!

No, not spam and eggs… SPERM and eggs!!

I had braced myself for a hit. A slap. I opened my eyes. He had sat there staring forward out the front window shield, his hand lightly resting on the driver’s wheel while his mouth hung slack-jawed. It was 10pm at night and we had been sitting in his parked car outside the Fox Theatre in Oakland.

That’s how I remember him when I uttered “I’m pregnant,” to him as fast as I could before my courage waned and before he had to get back on stage.

We agreed to talk about it later when he had time to think about it.

*****

Wow.

So the Simian Flu Killed All the Asians?

Some of my fellow Offenders will be blogging about the new Dawn of the Planet of the Apes for the YOMYOMF Summer Blockbuster Showdown in a few days, but I have a question regarding the movie to throw out there in the meantime: what happened to all the Asians?

'Dawn's' humans.

‘Dawn’s’ humans.

The story is set in San Francisco—a city that was 58.4% Asian as of 2012 and increasing—so it’s odd that the only Asian face I can recall seeing was some Frank Chin-looking dude standing behind the main characters when the apes first come to visit the human settlement: