Come on, come on. Please, please, please. Really? Let me drive around one more time. Hey – a free meter! ‘Valet parking only daily’?
I’m too fucking hungry for this shit – guess I’ll just pay for valet. Hope they don’t steal my change. Might be paying them with that later.
Probably shouldn’t have worn jeans. I saw the way the hostess looked when she checked my name. She gave me the once-over. A quick one, but a once-over all the same. Is it so hard to believe I can afford eating he — oh my god, is that a live octopus on a plate?
There are a lot of a couples eating here tonight. This is gonna be depressing. At least I know for sure that I’m getting some action tonight, isn’t that right, Miss Hand?
These seats are real nice. Pretty sure an animal had to die if it’s this comfortable. And the menus are just a sheet of paper? With French words like “prix fixe”? Damn, I feel like I just stepped into some famous, important French place. Like the Parthenon or a Target in France.
Whoa, don’t grab my napkin! I haven’t even put it on my lap yet andohmygoodness - the waiter’s putting it on my lap himself. Maybe I can’t afford to eat at this place. And maybe he grazed my boner setting it down there but I don’t wanna think about that now. Why was I even getting an erection?
I don’t even know what half of these dishes are. If I can’t pronounce something, it probably costs an arm and a leg. What’s really scaring me is that most of these plates don’t even have a price. And the ones that have a price just say “Market.”
Pretty sure that server was giving me the stink eye when I asked him the cost of every individual item on the menu. Rude. And no wine, please. Just ice water. Tap water.
That appetizer was small but the description included the word “compressed” somewhere so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Pretty sure the woman across the way was staring when I lifted the plate to my face and licked it clean. Hey, girl – squid ink’s not gonna finish itself.
How is it that everyone that works here is so hot? Can they really require that of someone that works at a restaurant? That server going up the stairs totally looks like someone I wanted to hook up with in college.
Okay now that’s just cruel. This main course feels like an optical illusion. Is the plate that big or is the portion just really that small? Maybe they can get me a smaller fork…
Did it really cost that much? How much of that price is labor? Because that number looks like someone gave birth in the kitchen.
Alright – starting next week, McDonald’s all month. Really hope the valet parking people left my change alone.