(This is in honor to my fellow offender’s Poop Series.) I’ve held it all in inside for so long, all the words and thoughts and emotions, and now my body has rebelled on me. I’m constipated. My best friend at the moment is a 64 fl. ounce bottle of Sunsweet Gold Label Prune Juice. It all started last weekend when I was with the ex-FTF (labels, labels, labels…). Did I hold my tongue for too long? Did I hold all my emotions for so long that it’s manifested into this bodily function revolt? Or was I just afraid that the toilet was too weak? Or was it the Korean sushi I forced myself to eat because it was stinkin’-up-my-car-and-it’s-a-two-hour-drive-might-as-well-eat-all-of-it? I dunno. All I know is that I’m attending a wedding in LA in about 6 hours, I’m wearing a tiny dress, and the last thing I want to take is a laxative.
Ever take a laxative? Your body just can’t retain water. You’re like a gushing fountain of knobby-like liquid. And you’re so constipated, you’re pushing with full force so when it all shoots out of you, it’s back splash city. Very unsavory. Do models really do this to keep themselves skinny? Models must smell like poop all the time. I’d like to see that, a fashion show of models with toilet paper stuck to their expensive high heels and graphic patterns in geographically-targeted areas.
Sweet shoes!
Alas, what is one to do? They say exercise is the cure and unfortunately, due to my knee problems, my exercise regime has been pared down to… just yoga. I could try jumping up and down. No, wait, that’s bad for the knee. So to prune juice it is, with flax seed, and oatmeal, and apples…. and all the stuff I eat on a regular basis anyway. If I find out it’s the Korean sushi, that’s it. I’m never going to the Kukje Supermarket again.
Damn, we should just designate one of our upcoming flavahs of the week to poop since we already write so much about it. Hope it all works out today.
Its all about the squatter.
Am I a sexist that when a guy writes about poop I think it’s funny but when a women does it I puke?
Just because of one constipation, don’t boycott Kukje Supermarket. I love that place. They also sell food that are rich in fiber which will help with bowel movement. If sushi is giving you a problem, don’t eat sushi – Korean or Japanese. Hope you find what works for you. Thanks for the Howcast.
Benn – some guys think it’s hot. But not me, of course. I was speaking in general terms. Yeah, that’s it.
But seriously, I don’t.
A friend of mine told me an old Jewish prayer that you’re supposed to say before you go to bed every night. I paraphrase: “Thank you God that all my holes open and close properly.”
I’m sure the original is a bit more poetic than that, but there’s nothing like having something go wrong with something so basic to help us appreciate just about everything else. Next time I want to scream because Tivo cut off the last two minutes of 30 Rock, remind me to think of a healthy sphincter.