Someone wondered if I was Hispanic this weekend. I was at this amusement park which will remain unnamed and I struck up a conversation with someone waiting at one of the ride exits. The conversation had veered away as far as possible from race – chocolate milk – when she asked me in the politest way, “Are you Hispanic?”
I’m not, so, of course, I answered, “I’m not.” and followed that up by asking, “Why do you ask?”
She said simply, “Because you’re brown.”
She had me on that one.
Yeah, so this week, your trusty league of Offenders talks about vagina ambushes; a shaky way of increasing your breast size; and, naturally, dating advice for all you aspiring Lotharios. Aspiring Lotharias will have to wait till next week – throw me a bone, Beverly?
“But somehow, when the moon is full, my ex’s penis senses the fact that my woman cave is alone and defenseless, and with the key of 3 good kisses served-just-the-way-I-like-them, voila! I am now a penis cozy.”
Hello, I am inquiring about the “key of 3 good kisses served-just-the-way-I-like-them.” Yes, is this the same for all the women a person’s dated before? Because if so, I need to start remembering all of them.
One. Okay, I’m done.
“The other students countered Andy’s position with weakly-made arguments along the lines of “but he was a great man” or “dude, we get the day off from school, how can you be against that?” But no one was really as articulate as he was so they didn’t come off as well.”
When I was that age, I would’ve thought “Dude, we get the day off from school!” was a brilliant argumentative stroke. This is also probably why I never got on the Debate Team.
That trailer used to scare the shit out of me. That’s all. There – now you don’t have to read my article. But you don’t have to be a DICK about it.
“It’s Tuesday, you’re back at your intolerable job after a long weekend and what better way to kick off the short work week than with an educational video showing women’s tits rapidly jiggling for legit, non-exploitative purposes:”
I’ll go out on a limb and say that if more workplaces started marking videos like this as Safe For Work, the straight male employees would be a lot less miserable and a lot more REproductive! Because they would be masturbating and that means semen and semen is reproductive.
“I’m lucky if I can figure out one word of this puzzle in 6 minutes and 14 seconds. It takes me at least an hour just to get through all the “across” clues. Really. It’s a struggle. Sometimes I break down and use my on-line thesaurus.”
When I was in elementary school, my teachers would occasionally give me crossword puzzles as homework. Of course, they stumped me and I’d go and seek help from my uncle. He didn’t even have to see anything; I’d just call him up with the clue and the corresponding number of spaces and he’d have the solution in all of fifteen seconds, and that’s me overshooting it.
I got none of those genes from my family.
The joke is I’m dumb.
“But neither of these were the reasons why I liked the ’95 Cleveland Indians.
What is the reason then, you ask? Two simple words: MAJOR LEAGUE.”
This isn’t the most illuminating thing I can say, but when I was a kid, that cover would mesmerize me because the baseball had a ‘face.’ I guess it didn’t take much to occupy me back in those da- SQUIRREL!
“Some of the other traits of the Thai woman include the preference of style over substance (i.e. even if you’re ugly, they’ll dig you if you have money, a nice car, etc…) and no respect for your privacy (they’ll investigate your email and phone records as well as interrogate your friends about you).”
Just Thai women? Sounds like ALL WOMEN to me, right, fellas? ALRIGHT – HIGH FIVE.
Ladies, please don’t kick me in the balls.
“3. Mealy Fruit Texture: It’s that texture that makes you stop in your tracks when taking that first bite of any fruit with seeds or stones. Every ad you’ve seen and sense memory you’ve had of a crunchy apple, juicy watermelon, or syrupy pear is crushed when you realize you are biting into nothing but the mashed potato equivalent of fruit. You stop and much like what happens when you have zero chemistry with that guy/girl you were checking out, you realize that looks deceive and quickly move on to fresher fruit.”
Maybe I’m crazy but I love it when pears are all mushy instead of firm. I think that’s when they’re… overripe? But then again, I’m usually the person who keeps pursuing someone in spite of knowing I have zero chemistry with them – what’s wrong with me?
“And if you were living under a brutal dictatorship, wouldn’t you want to escape from your pathetic life via porn and instant noodles (two things that go surprisingly well together)? But…shit?!!”
Can we stop talking about North Korea for a second and start discussing this porn and instant noodles connection? Do you mean watching porn just for the story – without masturbating – while eating cup noodles? Or do you actually mean what I’m dreading you mean? And since I already have the thought in my head, I think it’s punishment enough without having to type it out. I NEED ANSWERS, PHIL.
“I’m a sucker for all things Asian American and independent, especially something that someone has created with little resources that rises above the general Youtube junk.”
For a second, I wasn’t sure if Quentin was talking about her music or her conception. Also, I am weirded out that the first thing I noticed in that picture was her heels. I finally have gone insane.
“8 ) AUTOBIOGRAPHIES
In traditional Asian culture, the group or community is more important than the individual. In Western culture, it’s all about the individual. So is it any wonder that the autobiography a.k.a. the mostnarcissistic and annoying literary form ever created is such a popular part of Western culture. And is it any surprise that Asian American writers have so readily embraced that genre as a way to finally break free of their cultural shackles and tell their story?”
Oh man – I totally read that book title as “Battle Hymen of the Tiger Mother.” Folks – I believe this answers any questions about where my head is at.
Also, I really think they should make “Battle Hymen” into a movie. I think it would make a great Japanese movie, right alongside the classic RoboGeisha. They just need to make sure it’s really bloody.
I pretty much used up all of my class on that last joke there, but I want to believe it was worth it.
“I still have many unanswered questions, so many details I want to know. For those of you out there with grandmothers still living: talk to them. Listen to their stories. I know I wish I had spent a lot more time talking to the stooped old woman who let us have a sip of brandy now and then.”
I’ve really got nothing to add. Just wanted to take the time out to highlight that advice because nothing could be more true. (Yes, I have a mushy side.)
“Check out this cool video from artist/photographer Trey Ratcliff. He uses a slow-motion technique to capture images of “normal” life in Japan, which apparently includes a bunch of monkeys hanging out in a hot spring (at 1:56).”
This video only makes me wonder where the slow-motion tentacle porn is and that thought, in turn, makes me fearful of my mental health.
Since I can’t come up with a great way to close this, is anyone else looking forward to Looper, Rian Johnson’s new film with Joseph Gordon-Levitt? Time travel plus hitmen is a combination that can’t be beat, especially if the director of Brick is handling it.
I most definitely am. Also, if anyone can hook up a bromance with JGL, I’d really appreciate it. Okay, you all have a nice weekend – stay safe and don’t do anything I would do!