Being the good guy that I am, I happily offered to pick up a friend’s son after his summer program when he found himself ride-less yesterday afternoon. The kid told me his instructor taught the students about pet peeves and their homework was to make a list of some of the things in their lives that they found annoying.
“Do you have any pet peeves?” The boy asked me.
“Of course.” I reply.
“Could you tell me what yours are? Maybe that will help me think of some of my own.”
Again, being the good guy that I am, I was happy to help a youngster discover the joys of education. So here, as my good deed for the day, are my top 10 pet peeves:
1. Movies starring Megan Fox that don’t include nudity, strong sexual content and adult situations. Seriously, what’s the point? It’s like going to a restaurant and being told they don’t serve food.
2. The fact that my leg is covered with bug bites yet I still lack the ability to climb up walls, shoot webs out of my hands or get Kirsten Dunst to return my phone calls.
3. Hookers who don’t prorate when you finish early. (“Finishing early” is of course a purely hypothetical scenario and not based on any real-life experience)
4. Things advertised as “one size fits all.” I’m sorry, but there’s a huge difference between this:
And this:
5. Ghosts that insist on doing their haunting during the night when you’re trying to get a decent night’s sleep instead of during the day when nothing good’s on TV and you’re like, “I wish there was a fucking ghost here to haunt me ’cause I’m fucking bored.”
6. People who judge people who like to eat their dessert before their meal. Well, next time, I’m gonna be judging your bad toupee and botex job. What do you think of that, huh? Yeah, I’m talking to you. Yeah–YOU. Don’t you dare turn away! I know you see me, Mr. Kojak and Ms. Balloon Lips.
7. The fact that in the 21st Century, the number of buns in a package of hot dog buns still does not match the number of wieners in an average pack of hot dogs. Will someone end the madness and just stand up to the behemoth hot dog industry to stop this injustice! Come on Sean Penn, President Bill Clinton, Bono and baby Jesus—we need you to speak up on this issue! It’s time for a change!
8. God’s continual refusal to answer my prayer to magically give me Roger Fan-esque abs, smite the kid on the skateboard who called me a “tool” or take immediate action to address pet peeve #1 above.
9. Never mind that he even has a career, but just the sheer fact of the existence of Dane Cook is one big pet peeve. I don’t get it. He’s like the human equivalent of a wisdom tooth–maybe there was some unknown purpose for it in the past, but now it’s completely useless.
10. People who don’t read YOMYOMF every single day. Can you believe the nerve of some folks?
What’s your pet peeve?
if it makes you feel better, YOMYOMF is my daily chuckle maker
Regarding #3. You are paying for their time and companionship. “Finishing” early…or not at all is inconsequential.
I have alot but here are two…
1. People that think just because you don’t say anything that you don’t know anything.
2. Give you line readings!!!
+1 eating dessert before the meal. Actually, this is a good strategy (as long as you are not nutritionally deficient) because most desserts are sweet/fatty or both, which helps your body to sense that it is “full”….which then means you will then ultimately consume less food and still be satiated. Besides, you only live once….ENJOY!!
Some of mine….(random order):
= Left-lane hogs….especially when they REFUSE to move-over and let someone else pass them. REPEAT: “The left lane is for PASSING, NOT “cruising” or “dawdling”.
= People that continuously hide in your blindspots while driving.
= People that are TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to others around them….especially when driving, talking on a phone, in stores and other “public” areas.
= People that don’t clean up after themselves in a “public” area.
= Litterbugs. A few days ago, while waiting to turn left at a traffic light, I actually saw someone that was maybe 3 cars behind me open their driver’s window and throw out a wrapper/slip of paper on to the ground. If I wasn’t so far ahead of him, I probably would have stopped, gotten out and returned the paper he “accidentally dropped”….or taped it to his windshield. FRACKING MORON. NO EXCUSE.
= People that cause car door-dings. Sometimes it is unintentional (ie, sudden gust of wind, etc), but often times it is just pure CARELESSNESS. Please be more careful. Nobody likes door-dings….except the body shops.
= People that leave shopping carts IN THE WAY of others….the worst offenders are the ones that place it directly behind someone else’s car (so the other person cannot leave their parking space without having to remove the shopping cart first) after they are done unloading it and they just leave it there. WTH??!! Next in line are the ones that leave them in the gap between parking spaces, but place it so it would block someone from opening their car door after parking….or trying to get back into their car when coming out of the store.
= People that make no attempt whatsoever to control their children and allow them to run amok and make all kinds of noise and display other inappropriate types of behavior in “public” areas.
= People that deem various stores/places of business to be “playgrounds” for their children…..and then don’t even clean-up afterwards…..or buy anything.
= People that change their minds about buying something (which is fine), and just simply “abandon” the item in some random location…..especially PERISHABLE food items. PUT IT BACK, or give it to the clerk at the register. WTH??!!
= People that “sample” fruits and other items in grocery store produce areas where it is NOT acceptable to do that (unlike in some “farmer’s market” types of stores where that practice might be encouraged). Scenario: “Those 3 grapes and strawberries you just removed and snacked on from out of those pre-packaged/pre-portioned/pre-weighed packages (or even if they are in “open”/bulk containers) means that whomever is going to buy those packages just got RIPPED OFF. It is called STEALING/THEFT. Besides, many of those fresh fruits still have pesticide/chemical residues and other pathogens (aka “germs”) still on them.
= People that open packages in stores to see/”touch” what is inside, but then fail to put everything back….or completely “destroy” the packaging. WTH??!!
= People that unnecessarily BLOCK aisles and other passageways. Move to the SIDE, or conduct your meeting somewhere else, please.
= People (especially women) that are unaware of the protrusion of their purses/bags/etc and walk-around bashing other people with them.
= Families/groups of people that insist on “stringing out” ACROSS the width of an aisle or a pathway so that nobody can pass them.
= People that are rude to or treat “servicepersons” like “dirt”.
= People that don’t even acknowledge you or say “thank you” when you hold a door or elevator open for them.
= People that block elevator/escalator/door areas.
= People that fail to motion or other advise you that they are NOT leaving their parking space while you are waiting for them to presumedly leave.
= People that fail to **COMPLETELY** STOP at STOP SIGNS and RED LIGHTS before proceeding….and BEHIND the LIMIT lines.
= People that fail to observe the proper procedures for STOP SIGN “right-of-way” protocol and that “go” when they are NOT supposed to, and conversely, “don’t go” when they ARE supposed to. ~sigh~
= People that back out of parking spaces without LOOKING.
= People that open car doors without LOOKING.
= People that INSIST on walking DIRECTLY behind you when you are obviously backing out of a parking space.
= People that totally CROWD you while standing in line.
= People that leave a HUGE gap between their car and the one in front of them when parked in a line or at a traffic signal….or to the edge of the crosswalk/street/limit line.
= People that become clueless when encountering a traffic circle.
= People that SUDDENLY STOP in the middle of the road/freeway because they are about to “miss their turnoff”. HELLO….move forward and work your way back at the next street/exit. It’s not the end of the world if you miss your turn, but it might be the end of your life or of some innocent persons’ when you do that braindead stunt.
= People that STOP at YIELD signs when there is no oncoming traffic….or if there is an obvious lane for merging.
= People that try to merge on to the freeway at 45mph (when there is no traffic congestion)….or that STOP.
People that go 65mph (or LESS) in the freeway car pool lane….when there is no traffic congestion ahead of them. If they want to go that slowly, then just go drive in the REGULAR lanes, please.
= FRACKING door-to-door salespersons, religious/political/charitable groups, etc that INSIST on knocking on your door trying to get you to buy-in to their product/organization….especially when you already have a NO SOLICITING sign.
= Cigarette smoke (even in outdoor settings). I don’t want to breathe that toxic mix of gases and chemicals. Why should I be subjected to it?? If I wanted to pollute my body and kill my cells with that stuff I would be smoking myself. “How about if I come and spray some toxic/offensive chemicals over in your area/in your face too…..”
= People that smoke and randomly flick their cigarette butts wherever they want to, instead of finding a proper trash can/waste receptacle.
= People that smoke and fail to properly EXTINGUISH their cigarette butts.
= Rude/indifferent employees that either lie/make stuff up, or are too lazy to give you a proper answer to your inquiry. I don’t expect everyone to know everything, but I do expect you to GO FIND OUT the answer from someone/somewhere else that does know.
= Idiotic TSA “security theatre”.
Basically, it just bothers me when some people live within their own little bubbles and are inconsiderate and rude to others that have to share the same space with them.
Phew…..I guess I won’t be needing any therapy sessions for awhile at least. I feel much better. Thanks!! LOL.
Cheap lazy people who aren’t comfortable in their own skin and instead of saving up for cosmetic surgery they go on their sell-out lives making fools of themselves and people they look like by doing embarassingly shameful things as well as allow the same to happen to themselves.LOL!!!
Amen on Dane Cook. Although I admit a lot of my rage is about the fact that he gets to make out with all the hot Jessicas in Hollywood, on camera. What’s that about? Someone did a hell of a job with his contract.
My neighbors who put out their trash and recycle bins two days early. It shouldn’t bug me, I know, but it does. They’re retired and bored. The arrival of the day’s mail is probably the high point of their day, but still…
abs are overrated. it’s what’s underneath them, the heart, that really matters. and Phil, you’ve got a BIG ONE
Holy crap, Bond. Perhaps you should summarize that list as just “people”. =P
Dane Cook is the vestigial part of humanity that existed after the invention of entertainment but just before the invention of humor.
Nah…..I really do like people…well, most of them anyway. Some of my best friends are people. LOL.
Pretty Asian girls who give it away for free, when they should be bringing in truckloads of benjamins for all those kinky mudderfacking beaver shavin’ and cornholing reception activities they do as charity for the over-fortunate white dudes. Smart girls are getting brand name goods for putting out while these dumb arses are just getting jizzed and bukkake money shotted in da face for free. Time to bring back some dough to yo yellow mommas cuz rice isn’t cheap!!!
[...] MY TOP TEN PET PEEVES: [...]