In a couple of days, we say good-bye to 2010 and welcome in a new year. And with a new year comes a fresh start and an opportunity to send some positive energy into the world. So with that in mind, I’d like to share with you, our loyal readers, my special wish for the new year. Now, my special wish might sound cheesy and maybe even naïve to some, but I don’t care what anyone thinks ‘cause this wish comes from the bottom of my heart.
And my wish is that in 2011, all the people of the world will come together in unity to sing as one. No matter your race or religion or gender or age or whichever team you bat for sexually, we will all join hands in the spirit of peace like in that classic Coke commercial:
Again, I’m sure all the cynical haters will pooh-pooh my special wish, but I’m risking ridicule and putting it out there because I have faith in and love for my fellow humans.
So may 2011 allow all of us to come together as one and sing! Happy New Year, everyone!
Actually, hold on a second…let me make a slight amendment to my special New Year’s wish. The idea of all the people of the world coming together to sing in one voice is definitely a beautiful notion, but what if some of those people are terrorists? Billions of people would be holding hands and singing the Coke song and suddenly…BOOM! Suicide bombers could strike and blow up a lot of people, which would be in direct violation of the spirit of peace and unity of my special wish. Therefore, I think I should exclude anyone with any terrorist ties from taking part in my special wish.
Shit, I just thought of another thing: if I exclude terrorists, there’s going to be a bunch of politically correct folks bitching that I’m unfairly profiling and singling out Muslims or people who look like Muslims, yadda, yadda, yadda. And that could also spoil the whole peace and unity vibe that’s the foundation of my special New Year’s wish. So to appease those p.c. vegan nuts, I’m also going to exclude the crazy right-wing assholes like the folks from the church that wanted to hold a Koran burning or the dude from Idaho who made a KKK snowman.
Since I’m at, I’m just going to go ahead and also exclude clowns. ‘Cause clowns just fucking freak me out. The thought of seeing a bunch of clowns holding hands with normal people and singing in one voice—yuck! That image belongs in a Stephen King novel not a special New Year’s wish born of the spirit of peace and unity.
You know what I just realized…since this is my special wish, I can pretty much frame the terms of that wish in anyway I want. Which means if I actually had the power to bring all the people of the world together to sing as one, I would be remiss if I didn’t take full advantage of the situation such an event would create. And frankly, that would be the perfect opportunity to hit on a lot of chicks at one time. All these women are going to be there in the spirit of peace and love and they’ll be singing and feeling good—shit, they might as well be wearing nametags that say: “Hi, I’m HORNY and open for business.”
OK, what I need to do then is exclude all the heterosexual men from my special wish so I have a better shot with the ladies. But gay guys are still welcome to participate ‘cause let’s be honest—they’re just going to go off by themselves anyway to fuck each other anally or give each other Dirty Sanchez’s or Golden Showers or talk about what they bought at the Pasadena Crate & Barrel or whatever it is gay guys do when they’re not watching Glee (help me out here, Quentin).
Wait, I might as well get rid of all the children too. I know it’s always touching to see children holding hands and singing but it’s probably best not to have them around on account of all the gay anal sex that’ll be taking place. Besides, kids could be annoying—complaining, crying, being all hyperactive. Out they go.
OK, one final thing and I promise this is it. Now that I have all those women to myself that’s great, but that’s still billions of chicks to wade through and that is a lot of work. So to make it easier for me, let’s say that women who aren’t at the level of hotness as your typical supermodel or Charlize Theron or Maggie Q are also excluded from my special wish.
So may 2011 allow…Oh, and those hot women should be naked when they join hands to sing as one in the spirit of unity and peace. Because nakedness is about…uh…getting back to nature and our true selves and will allow the women to be more in touch with each other…and me. Acclaimed thespian Patrick Stewart definitely has the right idea on this subject:
So may 2011 allow all of us except known terrorists, right-wing nut jobs, clowns, heterosexual men, children and ugly chicks to come together as one and sing! Oh…and don’t forget to come naked.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!