Most people talk about their loss of innocence. I talk about my loss of innocence about my parents’ loss of innocence and why I have to be privy to that knowledge.

Yes, folks – I grew up in a world and I lived a life where my parents didn’t have sex until they decided to conceive me. In fact, they didn’t even know what sex was until the moment the idea to have me struck them, at which point the Sex Fairy imbued them both with the knowledge of how to do it. Also, the moment they had me, they totally forgot what sex was.

Because that’s just how the Sex Fairy works.

Unfortunately, my mind has only a limited power of repression. If the reality I created for myself could be compared to a sort of boat, then I could say that – as of late – a bunch of holes were being punched into its hull and I can only stop the rushing waters of truth for so long before I drown.

The first leak happened when I visited my parents a couple weeks back. We were having dinner at an Italian place near their home and when my mother excused herself to go to the bathroom, my father leaned in close and said, “Just in case you’re running low.”

From underneath the table, I felt him bump a box against my leg. I took it and found, in the dim light of the restaurant, that it was a box of multi-coloured condoms. From Malaysia.

I remember the rush of thoughts that overwhelmed my brain at that moment. “What? Does… not… compute. He can’t know what that is. He’s my dad!” I might have been hyperventilating then; I’m not sure.

By the way: no offense intended, Malaysia.

The second leak was when my father (yeah, I think all of them have more to do with him than my mother) was recounting some stories about his past girlfriends. At one point, I thought he started talking about two of them as if he had been going out with them at the same time.

He was. When I asked him why he would do that, he told me he was just having fun.

It was weird, but I still finished my Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.

The final, decisive leak occurred when my father recounted how he first started going out with my mother.

“So when I finally asked her out, she said that she’d only go out with me if I stopped going out with the other girl.”

Yes – my father was a player. And don’t get me wrong: I’m not judging. It’s just that I feel like Adagio for Strings should be playing when I find this sort of thing out.

Where is my innocence now? Gone, like a candle in the wind. Although, to be fair, if I ever had kids, these revelations will probably be a lot worse.

Haha – have fun, my possible future progeny!