Can I just say how proud I am of myself?  I’m probably entirely late on this one, but it was only last week that I first became aware of “Two Girls, One Cup.”  My son was watching Tosh.0 and Tosh did a bit where he kept the camera on the studio audience while they watched the infamous internet video.

The audience covered their eyes, gasped, scrunched their faces, tucked themselves into fetal balls, looked away, nearly gagged, then looked back.

I admit, I was intrigued.  I asked my fourteen year old son if he had ever seen the actual video.  He lied and said no.

Now I didn’t run to my computer right away and start searching for “2 Girls, 1 Cup.”  No, it was only hours later, when I had ten idle minutes before picking up my younger son from soccer practice, that I calmly sat down, and, making sure my fourteen year old was nowhere to be seen, entered the words “2 Girls, 1 Cup” into my search engine.

Here’s where pride comes in: while I could’ve gone straight to the video, I noticed there was a Wikipedia entry on it, so I clicked on that first.  Here’s what I read:

2 Girls 1 Cup is the unofficial nickname of the trailer for Hungry Bitches, a 2007 Brazilian scat-fetish pornographic film produced by MFX Media.^[1] The trailer features two women conducting themselves in fetishistic intimate relations, including defecating into a cup, taking turns ostensibly consuming the excrement, and vomiting it into each other’s mouths. “Lovers Theme” by Hervé Roy, from the movie La folie des grandeurs, plays throughout.^[2][3]

Reading that, I felt dirty enough already, and decided not to watch the video.  Yay, me!   I had not given in to the basest of human urges to watch other people debase themselves enough to sicken Jabba the Hut.

I’m no dandy, either: when I was a kid, sure, I watched Faces Of Death.  Couldn’t help it.  Someone gotta hold of the tape and we had to do it.  We were 13, and if it was naked or gory, we watched it.

But back to 2 Girls: I don’t want to see this sort of thing.  Even at 13 I think I would’ve skipped it.  A, I’m sorry if you think it’s sexist, but to me, it’s worse that women did this than men.  Women are the flowers of humanity – when they claim to smell sweaty, I just think they smell healthy and alluring – a sweet musk.  Their bodies, the soft outline of their faces, their curves and proportions, are more pleasing to the eye than ours.  They’re nurturing, they’re pragmatic, they cry easily at corny sitcoms….you get my point.

But B, gender aside, it’s all I can do to remain 51% optimistic about the human condition without seeing people consume their own waste and vomit it back up.   Just reading the grisly headlines in the paper each morning can send me into a despondent funk (did that 12 year old kid really need to be gunned down for the two bucks in his pocket?). 

Do you know how many puppies I’ll have to hug, how many sunflowers I’ll have to watch swaying in the breeze, how many toddlers I’ll have to see shrieking in delight at the sight of a balloon, just to wash the (sorry, couldn’t help it) taste of that wikipedia entry out of my mouth? 

I’m not alone.  It is my understanding that even Joe Rogan, the host of gross-out fest Fear Factor, had to turn away from the video.  Good for you, Joe.

Well, I guess the hip new meta-thing is not to watch the 2 Girls video itself (how tired and boring is that?) but rather, to watch videos of people reacting to “2 Girls.” 

I’m happy to say, you won’t find me in one.

Now – where’s that puppy?