today i will share a “man secret” with you all.  just know that I am risking my life for what I’m about to tell you.  so if I am found dying with 8 ninja stars embedded in my body and a rodent stuck up my butt, you’ll know why.  (please feel free to take the stars, but as a dying wish, please leave the rodent in the happy place)

being a single guy in today’s world is tough.  it’s hard to meet a nice heterosexual girl in this day and age.  and given the fact that a single dude is horny 24/7 (ladies too), a single dude’s life is a jekyll and hyde existence of working for the man during the day and hunting for humpy humpy at night.  and the only reason a guy works for the man during daylight hours is purely a pragmatic one – to finance their nocturnal humpy humpy expeditions.  hunting for humpy humpy can get very expensive…especially if you are tracking down the elusive korean woman.

the most fertile ground for humpy humpy hunting is a bar/club.  back in the day (ie. caveman era), the weapon of choice for a humpy humpy expedition would be a club.  the process was much simpler back them.  find the hottie that makes your weiner flutter, swing for the head, drag her gently back to the crib, and enjoy each other.  but in today’s litigious-happy society, such a technique will land you in jail and perhaps a porcupine rammed up your bung hole.  the evolution of time demanded that we trade in the club for a more modern and, unfortunately, more complicated weapon: the drink.

now here’s where things get seriously challenging (and this is where I will share my man secret).  For those of us left-brain, good at math thinking folks (if you’re asian, this is you), I will divulge my man secret in a logical form…

1) man requires the drink to complete the humpy humpy circle of life
2) a direct positive correlation exists between consumption of drink and guarantee of humpy humpy.  the more drink consumed by predator and prey, the higher the success rate of the humpy humpy
3) an inverse correlation exists between consumption of drink and hardness of love spear.
4) hence, if one wishes to guarantee highest outcome of humpy humpy, a high level of drink must be consumed by both parties.  but, by doing so, one virtually guarantees themselves a limp spear.  ultimate result – no humpy humpy (unless one considers a fine night of alcohol breath cuddling the ultimate satisfaction).  someone may come a knocking at the door, but the guest will be unable to come in for a visit (let alone drop off a gift).

how dorky is that?  it’s like playing a game of firm-weiner chicken.  play to win and you will ultimately lose.  play to lose and you’ll be doing the solo, one-man dolphin-slapping tango.  a cave man never had to worry about swinging his stick at his love target only to have it whack him in his trouser trout.  what’s a guy to do in this day and age?

answer to the man secret: the ED pill.  it is the great equalizer.  they’ll never admit, but almost every single guy out there carries the little blue pill (pink or yellow too) with them on every hunting expedition.  and if they don’t, they should…they must.  why?  well, if we could add a #5 to the list of 4 above it would be this…

5) by popping a table of viagra, levitra, cialis, one can virtually eliminate the possibility of #4.  just make sure to ingest the pill at least 1 hour prior to sexual activity.  also, do not eat a meal high in fat prior to sexual recess.  erections lasting more than 4 hours is a good thing so please call your doctor and thank him/her for the prescription.

so there it is.  the man secret is out of the can.  death ninjas are being dispatched as we speak to kill me and to stick a wombat into my anus.  but hey, perhaps divulging this little man secret will make the art of seduction a bit more fluid and pleasant.  to the ladies – just know that a man tries really hard to be…hard.  to the men – there is no shame in carrying around the great equalizer.  and if having to wait at least 1 hour prior to sexual activity is too long for you, just know that the FDA is about to approve an ED treatment administered through a nasal aspirator.  it guarantees immediate stiff after a sniff.  good hunting to the hunter and the hunted.

what is your man/woman secret?  don’t be shy you naughty minx…