GRACE

Welcome to a special Guest Offenders/Valentine’s Day edition of our mailbag feature. We put out a call to our readers for sex and relationship-related questions via our Twitter and Facebook page and picked a few to respond to below. Joining Offender Philip to dispense advice to the lovelorn is the lovely Grace Kim a.k.a. Playboy’s Miss November 2008 a.k.a. Playboy’s first full Korean Playmate. So without further ado…

Question #1
“My boyfriend won’t make love to me unless all the lights are out. Is there something wrong? I’d like to do it with the lights on or in the daytime once in awhile.”
–Marsha

PHIL: Well, Marsha, I don’t know you so I can’t verify this, but perhaps your boyfriend is insisting on turning off the lights because you’re ugly.

GRACE: Shut up, Phil! That’s the worst advice ever. Marsha, your boyfriend probably prefers the lights off because he has hang-ups about his own body. Whatever the reason may be, it’s a good idea to probably take the time to actually sit down and discuss this. No matter how uncomfortable that might seem, it’ll help you both in the long run. Communication is the best aphrodisiac!

PHIL: You know, Grace, if we were making love, I wouldn’t turn off the lights ‘cause you so fine and it’d be a crime to hide you in the dark.

GRACE: (gagging noise) Oh gawd. Sorry, I think I just vomited in my mouth a little.

PHIL: OK, moving onto the next question.

Question #2
“I’m a Korean American guy living in L.A. and I think I’m nice, smart, and fairly handsome. I’d love to meet a nice Korean/Asian woman to date and eventually marry but they won’t go out with me. I don’t have a problem dating women of other races so I think it’s because I’m not rich and Asian women won’t give me the time of day because I find they’re more superficial. Should I even keep trying or just give up?”
–Looking for love in L.A.

GRACE: Let me ask you something–are you saying that ALL Asian women are superficial and only want to get with rich dudes? Maybe you just haven’t found the right Asian woman because you’re looking in the wrong places. It sounds like you’re seeking women who tend to be superficial, so OF COURSE they won’t like that you’re not rich. You know you have other, better qualities about yourself that can make a woman happy, someone who deserves you as much as you deserve her! Keep your mind free and open, and try not to limit your thinking to prejudgments or resentments against any one particular ‘kind’ of woman (or race, for that matter). You might surprise yourself! Moreover, I suggest trying different locales like open air concerts, vintage flea markets, or museums, that aren’t so much geared towards superficiality, like bars and clubs.

PHIL: BOOOOOORING! Come on, Grace, you’re really saying shit like a fat wallet and a nice car and weekend trips to exotic locales aren’t important to you? You can be honest here, you don’t have to just give the P.C. answer. Would you seriously consider dating someone like “Looking for love in L.A.” if he were working in some menial minimum-wage job?

GRACE: Hey, since when was I on trial? I’m not the one writing into an advice column, am I? Anyways, YES, while those things are all nice and dandy, they’re not IMPORTANT. They’re nice additions, yes. Sort of like icing on the cake. But icing will never do alone, nor would icing taste good on a yucky cake. What IS important is the connection, that innate feeling of butterflies and happiness you get when you’re with someone you want to be with. Like that person is the only person who exists in the world. No amount of money, horsepower, or fancy trips can beat that.

PHIL: OK, cool….so does that mean you’ll go out with me?

GRACE: No.

Question #3
“My new girlfriend performed oral sex on me for the first time last night. She seemed like she was into it and said she loved it and wants to do it again. I guess I enjoyed it but I feel weird. I feel like that act is degrading to women. How can I tell her she doesn’t have to do that to me?”
–Phil

PHIL: Phil, I am ashamed and disappointed that you share both the same name and gender as me. What are you—a little girlie she-bitch?! Your woman likes, no, LOVES to give you blow-jobs, in fact, wants to give you blow-jobs and you have an issue with that?! What is wrong with you, dude? You should be happy. You should be climbing the highest mountain and screaming with joy at the top of your lungs. You should be taking ads out on billboards about how awesome your oral sex loving girlfriend is. So take off your dress and be a man and accept this awesome gift that you have been given. Next thing you’ll tell me is she likes to swallow and you have a problem with that too.

GRACE: (shaking head) Ughhhh. Phil, don’t listen to Phil. He represents the base Neanderthal in men, something you’ve obviously evolved OUT of. I think communication here is the key. It might be uncomfortable for you to sit down with your girlfriend and let her know your thoughts. This is an uncomfortable solution to an uncomfortable problem. But your girlfriend won’t know how you feel unless you tell her, and you don’t want her to go on giving you oral sex when you’re clearly not enjoying it…if she finds out later, it could make for a worse situation than just ‘uncomfortable’…

PHIL: Come on, Grace, don’t you think Phil, not me Phil but girlie she-bitch Phil, is a girlie she-bitch? Ha! Maybe he should be the one posing for Playboy.

GRACE: Well, it IS a little unusual. But not EVERYONE likes what everyone likes. If that was the case, then it’d be a pretty boring world, wouldn’t it? Sexually speaking, oral sex isn’t everyone’s cup of tea–believe it or not, Caveman Phil.

PHIL: Speaking of oral sex and how it may or may not be everyone’s cup of tea, what about you? Do you personally prefer…

GRACE: Why don’t we just move on?

Question #4
“I’m marrying my fiancé in a couple of months. He’s a wonderful guy and I know he’s the one but the only problem is he wants me to take his last name. I’ve worked hard to establish my identity and want to keep my name. What should I do?”
–Anonymous

PHIL: I haven’t looked at a calendar recently, but I didn’t realize we were still living in the Stone Age. Girl, maybe in the old days, a woman entering into marriage became the property of her husband, but this is 2010. Marriage is about equality—the coming together of two equal individuals. If your future husband is really a wonderful guy, he should understand how important it is for you to maintain the identity you’ve worked so hard to create.

GRACE: I totally empathize with this actually. I once briefly dated a guy whose last name was ‘Grossnickle.’ I couldn’t help thinking that if we were to ever get married, I’d be known as ‘Grace Grossnickle.’ Ew, right? But back to the issue at hand. I think this is something deeper here going on, a more important issue than just names. I would actually support Phil’s advice in communicating your feelings about your identity and name-transference with your hubby-to-be, and perhaps take it a step further by consulting a couples counselor or marriage therapist. He/she can better facilitate any deeper underlying issues and help to resolve them, so both your upcoming nuptials and identity remain intact.

PHIL: Wait, you’re agreeing with me? Wow, awesome! I mean it’s like we’re on the same wavelength. Like we have this deep spiritual and physical connection that transcends space and time. Like we’re two lost, kindred souls who have been aimlessly drifting for eons each looking for the other and now we’ve made…contact. Don’t you think?

GRACE: (laughing hysterically) Wow, you actually just made me laugh out loud, Phil. I always did say the way to my heart is through laughter. A man with a great sense of humor is definitely someone I see myself with.

PHIL: Yeah…uh, I was trying to be funny there…yeah, that’s exactly what I intended. But yeah, I do have a great sense of humor, don’t I? Uh…so do you want to get some dinner after we finish here?

GRACE: I have plans to wash my hair.

PHIL: What about later this week? I’m pretty free…

GRACE: It takes a long time for my hair to dry.

PHIL: Next week?

GRACE: Still drying. Like I said, it takes a long time.

PHIL: So can I call you sometime then?

GRACE: Oh, no, I’ll call you.

PHIL: Don’t you need my number?

GRACE: Uh…I’m good.

Question #5
“Will you marry me? I’m not a doctor or a lawyer, but I don’t do drugs either.”
–Spencer

PHIL: Thank you for asking, but I don’t swing that way. Besides same-sex marriage is illegal in this state.

GRACE: You’re such a dork, Phil. Spencer, as long as you’re not into hurting innocent little animals, then I’d say you have a chance!

PHIL: Really? What a coincidence! ‘Cause I love little animals. I was just telling like…everyone the other day that there’s nothing I love in the world more than innocent little animals and I would…never hurt them. So does your response apply to me too?

GRACE: Not really.

PHIL: Oh-kay, on that note, let’s call it a day, shall we?

Thanks to Grace for being such a great sport. And remember if you have questions on any topic for future mailbags, send them to: mailbag@yomyomf.com. Oh, and one final photo: