There are so many questions left in the dark recesses of my mind that I’ve found I need to do a sort of spring cleaning up there just to normalize myself.  Often times, there are queries my conscious self isn’t even aware of.  It takes some measure of luck and chance to find a catalyst to help me discover these matters that nag and tug at me.

Most times, it’s about how TVs work.  Sometimes, it’s why dogs always bark at me, as if they can see a cold, black aura surrounding me as dark as my own heart.  And on the rarest of occasions, I wonder just how many baboons I could take in a fight armed only with a giant dildo.

Conveniently enough, I found just the quiz to help me answer one of those questions:

Created by Oatmeal (http://theoatmeal.com/)

Baboons – well, we all know what they are.  I don’t really need to go on about them because, like with pretty much everything, they have a Wikipedia page.

Come and get some plastic phallus, you baboon.

In the same token, you may argue that dildos also have their own Wikipedia page!  So what could I possibly go on about for the remainder of this article? Well, a man of specifics as I am, they have no entry for ‘dildo as weapon.’

Fighting with a dildo might seem like a foreign concept to most of you, but I don’t want you to leave this piece thinking, “Oh, this is totally random, useless Internet shit.”  Making this concept your friend just might save your life – not only when the baboons escape from the zoo, but when a random stranger is in your house and you’ve got nothing else to hit him with.

Dildo-wielding has had quite a storied history.  The first time I ever encountered it was, of course, in the video game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.  Here is an illustrative video from its sequel, set to Techno music:

The fact is not everyone was able to find the weapon in the game, so dildo-fighting’s exposure to the masses didn’t really reach critical mass until Bruno, when everyone who watched got a good ol’ eyeful:

And… I guess that’s it.  Oh, wait – here’s one more from a recent video game release, Dead Rising 2 (with zombies!):

Okay, I came up with three examples.  I must admit: that’s better than I thought I’d produce coming into this.

Scoff if you absolutely must, but the person trained for everything must learn to defend himself with anything, including, yes, dildos.  I don’t teach a Master Class or anything, so hopefully you can glean what you need to know – or at the very least some foundation knowledge – from the videos above.

GOOD LUCK AND BE SAFE!