This just in: hell has frozen over, donkeys have learned to fly and monkeys are now shooting out of my ass. In this blog entry, I am going to defend the white man. Not only am I going to defend my mortal enemy, but I am going to do so on a controversial topic: white male-Asian female relationships. But first some background:

The latest issue of Marie Claire includes an article entitled “The New Trophy Wives: Asian Women.” The premise of the piece written by Ying Chu, whom I’m assuming is an Asian woman or a Chinese basketball player, is that many older, powerful Caucasian men like media mogul Rupert Murdoch, CBS head Les Moonves and producer Brian Grazer are turning to younger Asian women as their latest “trophy wives.” Here’s an excerpt:

Were these tycoons consciously courting Asian babes? Do any of them qualify for the unnerving “yellow fever” or “rice king” moniker? It’s unsavory to think so. But after two or three failed attempts at domestic bliss with women of like background and age, these heavy hitters sought out something different. Something they had likely fetishized.

Enter the doll-faced Asian sylph on the arm of a silver-haired Western suit. (Hello, mail-order bride!) The excruciating colonial stereotypes—Asian women as submissive, domestic, hypersexual—are obviously nothing new. But decades after The World of Suzie Wong hit drive-ins and more than 20 years since David Bowie’s “China Girl” topped the music charts, why are we still indulging them?

First, let’s forget there isn’t anything really newsworthy about this. The idea of the Asian woman as the white man’s trophy wife/girlfriend/arm candy has been around since white men started writing operas. Hell, we’ve even gone through the cycle of Asian men being the trophy husband/boyfriend/arm candy. Take a look at this piece from Newsweek from almost ten years ago.

Next, let’s also put aside the fact that the article’s writer, in trying to poke holes in this stereotype of Asian women, has just propagated another one. Joz over at 8asians makes this argument more eloquently than I can so I’ll let her speak on this issue:

I have a bunch of different reactions to this oft-debated topic. I find Chu’s flagrant mentions of stereotypes (mail-order bride) to be annoying. And I think it’s pretty funny that Chu refers to all these “accomplished Asian women” throughout the article as simply “trophies,” “foxy,” and being “more than exotic arm candy.” By stating as fact that these Asian women are status symbols and commodities, Chu, on one hand, tries to dispell a myth — but she uses the other to confirm it.

But now to the real point I want to address: As the author does in the Marie Claire article, whenever we discuss the issue of white male-Asian female relations, it is the white man who is faulted for embracing and furthering the stereotypes. We dismiss him as having “yellow fever” and seeing Asian women as submissive, sexual, exotic china dolls/geishas. For us Asian American men, we accuse him of “stealing” our women; of contributing to our emasculation and desexualization.

All of this may be true and these are indeed things I’ve witnessed or experienced myself. I’ll admit I’ve done my fair share of dissing white dudes with a fetish for my Asian sistas. But then, at some point, I came to a simple realization—Asian women are super hot! If I had the misfortune of having been born a pale white guy, I’d totally be into Asian women. So is it really right for me to criticize whitey for wanting to be with the most beautiful women on the planet?

Now, I want to make it clear that I love ALL the ladies, of all races and ethnicities (you know who you are so gimme a call), and it’s not even like I have that much luck with Asian women. Usually the ladies who express any interest in me are non-Asian or if they are Asian, they tend to be 20-year-old college girls who wear too much black lipstick or Japanese porn stars (possibly a topic for a future blog). But there’s something about my fine Asian sistas that elevates them above everyone else. Being an Asian male, my attraction to Asian women might be due to our shared cultural similarities, but I think it’s more than that. I can’t really say exactly what it is about Asian women that makes them so damn amazing—it’s like the Supreme Court definition of porn, I know what it is when I see it and whether I was Asian, White, Black, Brown or Blue, what I would see is the perfect female.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that if I were a white dude, I would totally be suffering from the yellow fever myself so I have to be fair and allow my white brethren some leeway if they’re going to feel the same way too. I might still resent or hate them for it, but I’m not going to blame or criticize them. How can I? It’s like blaming a moth for flying into a flame or those Greek dudes for being lured to their doom by the sirens’ song. Not that I’m saying that being attracted to an Asian woman will lead to your death since that would be propagating another stereotype, but the point I’m trying to make is—Asian women are irresistible. You can’t help yourself. I get it. I sympathize.

So if you’re some 80-year-old rich white dude and you’re able to snag yourself a hot, young Asian wife, I say more power to you:

Maybe she’s with you because she wants your money or the status you’ll bring her or maybe she’s genuinely in love with you. Doesn’t matter; not my place to speculate. What matters is that you are a lucky son-of-a-bitch, but you don’t need me to tell you that. You already know it.