By now, I’m sure most of you have heard of Yale law professor/author Amy Chua’s recent Wall Street Journal piece (excerpted from her new book) about why the super-strict, dictatorial “Chinese style” of parenting is the way to go (check out my fellow Offender Anderson’s take here). Chua’s article was mostly met by outrage from the community and she’s been accused of everything from perpetuating stereotypes to fucking up her kids’ childhoods to being the dragon lady. Considering the level of vitriol slung her way, you’d think she was guilty of selling her children to pedophilic serial killers.

Well, I’m here to say she has nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, I’ve had enough of all these negative and misguided attacks against Chua. It’s about time someone from the community rose in solidarity to stand by and defend her. And I guess that someone will just have to be…moi a.k.a. me.

I know my fellow Koreans reading Chua’s piece are like, “Really? What’s so bad about this? Sounds like her kids are living in paradise.” However, most people are going to respond to Chua’s parenting style/tips with more of a “What the fuck?! You crazy, bitch!” But is what she’s suggesting really that bad? Upon closer examination, I’d have to say the answer is no. Let me explain.

First, let’s not even bother with some of her “less extreme” parenting tips like how your child has to play violin or piano or can’t get any grade less than an “A.” Most Asian Americans who were raised by traditional parents had to abide by these rules too and we got through it OK. And how about the awful “crime” of calling her children “garbage” or threatening to give their toys away to the Salvation Army? Come on, been there, done that.

But she appears to push things much further than your typical hardass Asian parent and therein lies her alleged guilt. Take for example, the following restrictions she’s placed on her daughters: they cannot attend sleepovers or have playdates. On the surface, this sounds overtly harsh because it’s basically code for “you cannot have any friends or a social life.” It’s one thing to vet your kids’ friends but to deny them friends altogether? Oh, the inhumanity…

But that’s the Western way of thinking. In reality, she’s doing what any good and responsible Asian mom would do by protecting her daughters from a very real threat. In this instance, the very real threat of…lesbianism. 

‘Cause we all know what happens at those sleepovers. A bunch of teenaged girls lying around talking about boys, which can easily lead down a slippery and dangerous path to this:

“Have you ever kissed a boy, Mary?”

“Why no, Susan. I have thus far remained pure and innocent.”

“Well, since we are at a sleepover, why don’t we practice kissing with each other?”

“I guess that sounds OK. I mean if my Westernized parents are so lax in their parenting skills that they would allow me to attend a sleepover instead of practicing the violin for six hours, I’m sure they would approve of me making out with another girl.”

And then before you know it, there’s porn music playing in the background and your daughter and her nubile, freakishly-bosomy-for-her-age friend are locked in an erotically-charged game of sexy tongue tennis (Final score: Love 69!). It gets so hot and steamy that the straps on the girls’ skimpy Hello Kitty nighties snap off, which leads to the following exchange:

“Oh no! How did that happen? I guess we have no choice but to take off our nighties and engage in a naked pillow fight!”

“And after that, we can play another new game I learned at a previous sleepover and/or playdate. It’s called pearl diving.”

And just like that you’ve lost your daughter to the dark side. All because you were a lax parent and let her attend a sleepover. Forget about Harvard or Yale now. Sorry, but your daughter’s going to Wellesley with her fellow pearl divers lesbians.

Similarly, if you examine the rest of Chua’s parenting philosophy, you’ll see that she’s only trying to protect her children and doing what’s best for them. Can we truly fault her for that?

Now, many of Chua’s Asian American critics have used the fact that she’s married to a white guy as a way to discredit her. If she really thinks the Chinese way is all that, they argue, why isn’t she with a brotha? The fact that she’s not is just proof she’s actually self-loathing; making her whole agenda suspect.

Before we make too much of this, let’s keep in mind that Chua herself is an over-achieving, super genius. She’s not stupid. If she were married to an Asian guy, she wouldn’t have as much legitimacy with her target audience: the American a.k.a. the white public (Asian Americans don’t buy books so who gives a fuck about them anyway?). White folks would dismiss her argument that the Chinese ways are better than the Western ways with the refrain of, “She’s just a chink, what does she know?” However, by being married to a white man, she automatically gains the experience to be an expert on both Chinese and Western cultures and her opinion on the subject now carries more weight.

But for this to be true, that means Chua would have had to deliberately chosen to marry her white husband two decades ago and given birth to her children solely as part of a grand plot to give her the legitimacy and marketing hook to one day cash in by writing a best-selling book extolling the virtues of Chinese parenting. Surely, I can’t be making the absolutely insane claim that she hatched this elaborate scheme decades ago just so she’d be able to promote her agenda and have her moment of fame now in 2011?

Why yes, yes I am.

My hats off to you, Professor Chua. Hmm, Professor Chua…her name even makes her sound like she should be a Batman super-villain.

Now, having said all this, what about Chua’s children? They’re what’s most important here so we can’t lose sight of them. Well, at the end of the day, there’s no way to predict how they’ll respond to this strict method of parenting. Maybe they’ll turn out to be the super-successful lawyers or doctors Chua is pushing them to be. But it’s possible they may also rebel or snap and become the drug-addicted strippers some of Chua’s critics say they’ll turn into.

Fortunately, the brilliance of Chua’s plans allows for a win in either case. If her kids grow up to be the model minority wet dream, she can claim victory and say I told you so. If they turn out to be fucked-up failures, well, that’s definitely fodder for another potentially best-selling book that can bring her more riches and fame. Genius! Either way she’s guaranteed material success. And isn’t that what her Chinese parenting agenda is all about anyway?