If you are a heterosexual male and you saw the Julia Roberts-starring film adaptation of the best-selling novel Eat Pray Love this past weekend, it most likely meant you were dragged to the theater against your will by your wife, girlfriend, date or some other woman that you are, or hoping to be, knocking boots with (if there’s another reason why you saw it, uh, I don’t want to know).
Yup, Eat Pray Love falls into the category of film referred to (sometimes derisively) as the “chick flick.” These are the movies no self-respecting heterosexual guy would be caught watching. These are the movies that a guy will only agree to see if there is a chance it will lead to post-chick flick sex. And if any woman doesn’t realize this or believes her man when he claims this is untrue, well, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you.
But the problem is that more often than not, there is no post-chick flick sex. There’s only a handshake, a “we should do this again sometime” and the guy madly dashing home (with an optional stop at the market for lotion and tissue) to scour the internet for a porn star who resembles his date so he can properly, er, finish off his evening. But I am here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be this way.
I think it’s only fair that if a guy is going to be expected to endure 2 hours of Helena Bonham Carter sitting around an English villa drinking chamomile tea and just…talking, then he should at least get…uh…2 minutes of something he’s interested in as a reward. Of course I’m not saying that a chick automatically owes a guy sex because he saw a movie with her, but I think the guy should have the option of presenting a clear agreement prior to the chick flick date (preferably in writing) to which the woman can agree to or not. To make it even easier for all the guys out there, I present a sample agreement, which you are free to copy and paste and use as you choose:
I, (insert chick’s name), being of sound mind and body, agree that if (insert dude’s name) accompanies me to see (insert name of chick flick), I promise to return the favor by engaging in sexual activity with him post-screening in an agreed upon manner (see addendum A: a list of the sexual activities I am comfortable performing with said individual). If I cannot fulfill these duties at this time due to a “headache” or because “something suddenly came up” or any other applicable reason, I agree to select a make-up date for the aforementioned sexual activity (see addendum A) within the next 30 days which is convenient for both parties or risk 30 days in jail and/or a $5,000 fine for perjury.
(insert chick’s signature and date)
(insert notary’s signature and official seal)
This way everyone wins. If the woman agrees to the terms, the guy can at least sit through the movie without wanting to gouge out his eyes with his car keys knowing he’ll get a little something something at the end of the torturous date. And if the woman thinks you’re a slimy douchebag for even bringing this up, you can both move on with nothing lost. Think of it as a chick flick pre-nup.
The words “sex” and “city” in the title.
Any three word title separated by the word “and”: i.e. Pride and Prejudice, Bride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, etc… (And don’t be fooled by a “misleading” manly-sounding title–Love And Basketball is still a chick flick).
Romantic comedies starring Matthew McConaughey.
The presence of both British accents and corsets.
A scene where two or more women start lip-syncing and dancing to a Motown song while using a hair brush as a microphone.
The following two lines of dialogue in succession: “I don’t know who I am anymore” and “Then, girl, go find yourself.”
Shots of food infused with as much eroticism as shots of a wet Megan Fox climbing out of a lake.
Vampires who sparkle but won’t have sex with you.
A poster that advertises the movie as being “from the imagination of Nora Ephron.”
The only thing that gets blown to bits is society’s narrow view of the role of the “traditional” woman.
Anthony Hopkins stars but instead of eating someone’s liver with a nice Chianti or driving a stake through Gary Oldman’s heart, he just sits in a corner reading leather-bound books and quietly observes Emma Thompson or Helena Bonham Carter drinking chamomile tea.
When a character proclaims their best friend is a pussy, said pussy turns out to be a cat.
A privileged white woman finds herself in a third-world country where she discovers the true meaning of life.
Now, you women reading this might be thinking this is unfair and sexist. If you’re promising sex to the guy for sitting through a chick flick, shouldn’t you have a similar agreement for sitting through a guy flick? Maybe your dude has to agree to mow the lawn or take you shoe shopping or whatever the equivalent of sex is for you.
Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. Why? Because in reality, there is no such thing as a guy flick. I’m sorry, deny it all you want, but chicks love movies where things get blown up and hot guys chase each other with guns as much as men do. This is why The Expendables kicked Eat Pray Love’s ass at the box office last weekend. While only chicks (and gay men) went to see Eat Pray Love. Both men and women went to see The Expendables. ‘Nuff said.
So to all the guys out there about to be dragged against their will to see Eat Pray Love or the upcoming Drew Barrymore-starring romantic comedy Going The Distance or any number of chick flicks we’ll be bombarded with in the fall who choose to heed my advice, you’re welcome!