If Better Luck Tomorrow had never been made, this blog would probably never have existed and you’d be sitting in front of your computer right now thinking, “Man, I feel this emptiness in my life like something’s missing, but I just don’t know what it is.” But luckily for you, the film was made, directed by fellow Offender Justin and starring fellow Offenders Roger and Sung, and we do exist to help push that empty feeling back into the void with your other buried neuroses.
But Better Luck Tomorrow could have also easily been a different movie altogether. Justin was originally offered the money to make his film by investors if he could do just one little thing…change the characters from Asian American to Caucasian. He obviously refused, but perhaps in an alternate universe, that world’s Justin Lin was so sick and tired of eating ramen three meals a day and carrying a six-figure credit card debt that he decided to accept the offer. In which case, Better Luck Tomorrow might have looked like this:
I realize this exercise is about explaining why I would remake a film with a different cast, but let me amend this premise slightly and instead talk about what might have been in this alternate universe. However, if anyone wants to remake the film with my proposed cast, give my people a call and we’ll do lunch at the Ivy.
So here’s how the alternate world Better Luck Tomorrow might have been cast:
MACAULAY CULKIN as BEN (originally played by PARRY SHEN):
When the investors approached Justin about making the cast white, their suggestion for the role of Ben was the former Home Alone child star. This casting would have been worth it just for the scene where Ben and friends kill Steve. Imagine it playing out like this…Culkin realizes Steve is dead, cut to a close-up of Culkin’s face as he looks straight into the camera, then slaps his cheeks with both hands and screams like so:
ASHTON KUTCHER as DARIC (originally played by ROGER FAN):
Industry insiders refer to Kutcher as the Caucasian Roger Fan so this casting makes perfect sense. The two share much in common from their boyish good looks to their status as walking cougar traps. Kutcher would also be like totally awesome in the same aforementioned scene. While Culkin reacts to the murder of Steve like this:
Kutcher could signal to a hidden camera crew who would jump out as he screams, “you’ve been punk’d!”
JAMES DEAN as HAN (originally played by SUNG KANG):
Yes, I know Dean’s been dead for 55 years but there’s no better choice for the role of the smoldering and cool Han than the star/legend of films like Rebel Without A Cause and Giant. With CGI technology being what it is, Dean could be digitally inserted into the movie and during the aforementioned scene while Culkin is doing this:
And Kutcher is doing this:
Dean could respond with his classic, primitive cry of teen anguish from Rebel Without A Cause:
JOE PESCI as VIRGIL (originally played by JASON TOBIN):
Yes, I realize Pesci is a million years old and wouldn’t have been able to pass as a high school student even when he was in high school, but if modern technology can bring James Dean back for the film, it sure as hell can erase a few wrinkles off Pesci’s face, restore his hair line and give him a youthful glow. Virgil may be the clownish sidekick but he’s also capable of exploding into sudden fits of violence. Watch this scene from Goodfellas and you’ll see that no one can do that better than Pesci:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_ff46b58Hk
ROBERT PATTINSON as STEVE (originally played by JOHN CHO):
Twilight hunk Pattinson is clearly itching to establish himself as a serious artist and what better way to do that than to accept a role in a gritty, independent film where you get to be murdered by the kid from Home Alone, the dim bulb from That ‘70s Show, legend/icon James Dean and Joe “Am I a clown to you?” Pesci. How many actors do you know who can claim to have that on their resume? Next up: Team Oscars, baby.
ZIYI ZHANG as STEPHANIE (originally played by KARIN ANNA CHEUNG):
OK, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon star Zhang isn’t white so why do I have her playing this role? Because even in an otherwise all-Caucasian Hollywood flick, it’s totally acceptable to cast a hot Asian chick as the romantic love interest because Asian women are so…hot. And exotic. And you can say you’re all about diversity and color-blind casting. But why use Zhang, who is Chinese and barely speaks English, in a role that’s clearly Asian American? Well, it’s not like Hollywood can tell the difference especially if it means a few extra million at the box office when the film opens in Asia. Besides, everyone knows that within a few years, all the Asian stars are going to come to America and take steal every role away from Asian American actors anyway.
THE FILM:
So with this attractive and commercial cast in place, this alternate world’s Justin Lin is excited and dreams about making a Sundance-worthy project that will be picked up by a major distributor and maybe one day even getting the opportunity to helm the next installment of Vin Diesel’s The Fast and Furious xXx franchise.
But little does young and innocent Justin know that his investors are getting cold feet about backing an Asian American inexperienced director on what is quickly becoming a star-studded indie, so at the last minute, they fire the heart-broken Justin from his own project and replace him with another young filmmaker named Wes Anderson who has wowed them with his first cinematic effort—Bottle Rocket. Anderson and his writing partner, Owen Wilson, proceed to rewrite the script so it’s more “quirky” and, in this version, instead of killing Steve, the boys make amends with him and embark on a soul-searching train trip through India while Stephanie smokes cigarettes and waits for them in a pastel-wallpapered Paris hotel room. Oh, and the soundtrack is comprised of David Bowie songs sung in Japanese.
So what would have been “a Justin Lin film” is now a Wes Anderson film:
And what becomes of young Justin in this alternate earth? He is not able to get another film off the ground nor is he able to raise the funds to fulfill his life-long dream of opening a Laundromat. And after a last ditch effort to launch a blog with other Asian American artists fails (“Come on, you guys, it’ll be really, really cool, I promise!”), he gives up and goes to work at Jack-In-The-Box. Uh…better luck tomorrow, alternate world Justin.
A P.S. FROM PHILIP: Here’s the original BLT poster so you can compare and see how awesome my fellow Offender David’s Photoshop work above is…
From Offenders Philip (text) and David (images)
if you had all the money in the world, why would you do that instead of feed the world, build gyms that had treadmills and cycle stations that generated energy rather than drained it, build schools and train teachers, convert skyscrapers in L.A. to be solar-powered, build high-speed rails across Canada through the U.S. through Mexico…c’mon…all the money in the world? really? ;-D (finger bang)
@ice month, what are you a Commie or something?!
If Pesci could play a teenager in Goodfella he could do it in BLT
betty white as stephanie
Hmm would Macaulay Culkin still be good at basketball?
Hahahahahahahahahahahahah!
That was awesome.
I am Offended. : ) RF aka AK
i like how white people is capitalized lol
the sad thing is that i could totally see a studio greenlighting the whitewashed cast
If there’s another BLT related article on this blog, I’m going to Costa Rica!
@Nic, you do realize the internet exists in Costa Rica too, right? There’s no escape from the worldwide reach of our web. But that’d be cool–according to our analytics, we have one reader in Costa Rica. Your move would double our readership there.
Nic, what are you talking about? I don’t think they talk enough BLT here. I keep waiting for the in depth first person stuff but none as of now. Come on guys, who was the asshole on the set and who was whacked out on coke? Who sold their squirt to pay for the film and who bought the squirt? I must know.
Coke and squirt stories to “come.” We’ve got so much ridiculously awesome stuff planned for the future that you’re going to feel like you’re simultaneously on coke and squirting when you see it!
Haha, this post was epic. The casting was spot on, especially ZZY as Stephanie.
The Anderson version would require usage of Jason Schwartzman though. Maybe he could be the jock at the party in an “ironic” casting choice.
Great stuff, David. Thank goodness that the alternate universe is just that and Justin stuck to his guns.
Long live BLT!
I second that motion Elena, and just say no to Robert Pattison playing John Cho
That’s freaking hysterical. I think my only sub would be Tracy Morgan as Virgil. He could put Ashton on Scare Tactics.
[...] If I had all the money in the world, I’d remake BETTER LUCK TOMORROW with WHITE PEOPLE – by David and Philip of You Offend Me You Offend My Family Offenders David and Philip re-imagine history. What if director Justin Lin had taken a deal to produce Better Luck Tomorrow with Caucasian actors? What would the film be like without being rooted in Asian American culture, faces, and performers? Many times, Asian American directors and creators are pressured to alter their vision to match a studio’s conception of an America from before desegregation. This is the sort of thing that happens when they accept such deals. The team at You Offend Me You Offend My Family deals with these issues in a hilarious and spot-on post. [...]
[...] If I Had All the Money in The World, I’d Remake BETTER LUCK TOMORROW with White People | You Offen… But Better Luck Tomorrow could have also easily been a different movie altogether. Justin was originally offered the money to make his film by investors if he could do just one little thing…change the characters from Asian American to Caucasian. He obviously refused, but perhaps in an alternate universe, that world’s Justin Lin was so sick and tired of eating ramen three meals a day and carrying a six-figure credit card debt that he decided to accept the offer. (tags: via: jasmine asian asianamerican white film) [...]
Your post makes me have a lot more respect for the guy than I already had. Feel quite sorry for his alternate Earth counterpart though.
Hey, I like this post. It’s interesting. But one question: why do you use the word Caucasian instead of white? Caucasian is useless as a racial term. Just saying.
White People (TM)