Do not fear Valentine’s day my fellow warrior. If you’re broke, there is a solution. If your lover is impossible to satisfy (at least through gift and wine), I have an answer. If you shiver in fear over the expectations created by V-Day, there is a way to triumph and prosper.
For years, a bloke has had the burden of expectation heaped upon him as a result of this Valentine’s day holiday. If you tire of bearing such an obligation and do not have the gaul or constitution to feign a false bout of Lyme Disease (thank you Offender Phil for that good one), I will share with you a secret that, when employed effectively just once, will forever erase any desire from your lover to experience Valentine’s day ever again. Guaranteed. The answer is simple…
a little love puke is cute. A LOT of love puke is gross
Smother them with excessive love. From the second you wake up on V-Day, tell your lover that you love them. Not once. Not twice. But over and over and over and over and over again. Make sure to do it playfully and not with any sort of annoying tone (the sheer verbiage will be annoying enough). Brush up against them. Cuddle them and just keep repeating the words, “Honey I love you because today is Valentine’s day”. At first he/she will love it. But by the 18th time, he/she will start to get annoyed. When apart, call them and leave messages. Many of them. Text them. Email them. Record a video of yourself saying the love mantra 100 times, post it on youtube, and send them the link. Show up to his/her work for lunch and latch onto their back like a spider monkey and keep saying the mantra, “I love you because today is Valentine’s day.” Just remember to say it with a playful smile and be really cute about it all. Sooner or later your lover will just freak out and demand that you stop. When this happens, keep going. The goal is to create a life-long conditioning of repulse deep within your lover’s subconscious regarding Valentine’s day. You’ll know you’re close to completing your mission when your lover starts to cry. When tears start to shed, just know that this is a delicate moment and can easily result in a severe argument or ass kicking (yours). At this juncture, you must up your cute quotient big time and make sure that you produce the biggest puppy dog eyes possible (this may be hard if you’re Asian). And don’t forget the baby talk, “but i wub you…” This will work. Guaranteed. But you cannot go half way. You must take this ALL THE WAY. Anything less and your lover will expect you to be this geyser of love vomit 24/7 every single day. This will suck big time. Do not let that happen. Dig deep and summon the combined courage of Zeus, Mars, and William Hung and you should have no problem winning this battle once and for all. Good luck my fellow warrior. May the force be with you…
"i wub you baby. i wub you berry berry much..."
No thanks…you may have someone who is crazy and expect you to do the same thing you’ve mention year after year. If you skip on it, you will see how far the craziness will go. Old School method–break up in after Halloween and if you still like crazy get back with them in March. You have just eliminated all major holidays that requires you to spend money…
I’m throwing up just reading about this. Very enlightening indeed to read about all the ways guys plot to not spend money.
you can not put a price on love, Iris.
how long is infinite?
(Shield down)
In defense of “us guys” and in response to my talented and respected friend, Iris…
Many of us guys luv you girls every day of the year. It shouldn’t become the materialistic and superficial feeding frenzy that the dreaded V-Day has become in this day and age in order to “demonstrate” our luv for you. Us guys are literally “forced” to submit to this wallet-draining ritual…”or else”.
It’s not that us guys don’t want to spend $$$$ on you (well, at least some of us), it’s just that we hate to be forced to do it in a prescribed barf-inducing manner. Granted, some of us guys are truly “clueless” and NEED the scripted versions drummed up by the wallet-draining industry, and although many of us guys are very competitive, we usually don’t like (as I’ve mentioned) being forced to do it.
Why should a bouquet of roses that costs maybe $20 on a NORMAL day suddenly cost $75 or MORE on V-Day?? Why should what would have been a nice, quiet, cozy, and intimate dinner on a NORMAL day suddenly turn into a traumatic performance/audition on V-Day??
Some of us guys are actually more sentimental and romantic than some girls, but many of us guys would never admit that….or so I’ve heard. Just let us show our luv in our own way on our own schedule. And for those of us guys that don’t and aren’t inclined to do so anyway, then do you REALLY want it to be a “fake” gesture on a designated day every year instead?? Find one of us guys that treats you with respect and appreciates you every day of the year (and maybe spends some $$$), not just on 1 day. We do exist.
V-Day is probably the most hated fake/consumerism excuse for a “holiday” in the minds of some of us guys…even topping X-mas.
YMMV.
Good Luck!!
!!SHIELDS UP!!
Mr. Bond,
With that fine trebuchet of a retort, you have launched the first volley. You have balls of steel to Offend so eloquently.
To quote the great Ashton Kutcher – “I hate Valentine’s Day…I think every day should be a day of romance,” he said. “Then, on Valentine’s Day, you should get to tell whoever you hate that you cannot stand them. There would be one day of hating, and 364 days of love.”
Ashton is wise as is Mr. Bond.
Trebuchet’s away!!!
hm, this is kind of genius.