So you may have heard about the accusations of anti-Asian sexism directed at the 8Asians blog by an Asian American feminist blogger named Shiuan Butler (you can read Butler’s comments here and 8Asians editor Joz’s response here). The outrage is directed specifically at two posts from 8Asians blogger Koji—the first entitled “Do Asian Women Have the Smallest Breasts?” and the second “Do Asian Women Have the Smallest Vaginas?”.

Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I will say that I know some of the guys over at 8Asians including Joz and Koji and they’re cool and all, so I’m sure most of you are thinking I’m going to defend their right to write something sexist that really isn’t sexist unless you’re an Asian male hating feminist with no sense of humor. But that’s not what I’m here to do. In fact, the truth is I hate Joz and Koji and 8Asians right now. I loathe them even. Why? Because they’re receiving unjust criticism and misdirected anger and unwarranted bile that should rightfully be mine! That’s right, bitches, if any Asian American blogger should be accused of sexism and harassed with emails and even get a petition started against them like Butler did to 8Asians, it should be me, damnit!

I mean you’re going to accuse 8Asians of being sexist? Seriously? That’s like accusing William Hung of being musical. If the Asian American blogosphere is like high school, 8Asians is the smart kid who has his shit together and goes out of his way to consider everyone’s differing opinions. Whereas me? I’m like the kid who gets caught behind the gym smoking pot, drinking a 40, masturbating to a Kmart underwear catalogue while screaming, “I got your blue light special in my pants, girl!” and…well, I was speaking purely hypothetically there of course. Oh, and the ladies from Disgrasian would be the really hot chicks whom you pray will drop their pencil in class so they’ll have to bend…see, look at how sexist that was!

Just to drive home that point, I’m going to post random photos of half-naked Asian women throughout this blog for no reason whatsoever ‘cause that’s just the kind of guy I am.

If I were to list all the pieces I’ve written where I’ve been offensive to women, Asian or otherwise, we’d be here all day so trust me when I say 8Asians has nothing on me. I mean I’ve written about everything from hanging out with Japanese porn stars to the dangers of dating Korean American women to what you need to do to make it with a white chick to wanting to fuck everyone from right wing pundit Michelle Malkin to Vulcans. And some may say I wrote these pieces with tongue-in-cheek or as comedy or satire, but the truth is…not really. And I can tell someone like Butler would know this and call me out on it. Just look at what she says about Koji:

What do I mean by sexism? Another way to explain sexism is to use the term “male domination.” That usually helps clarify it for people. We live in a world where rape is commonly and intentionally used as a weapon of war. Where the widespread violence against women and their bodies is worldwide, and media and capitalism combine to convince women to seriously harm our own bodies. And we as Asian women have an added layer because of the double oppression of both sexism and racism.

And it is within this context that a relatively prominent Asian American male feels he has the right to talk about women’s body parts and, specifically, Asian women’s body parts carelessly and with no regard for oppressions at large. He is dehumanizing and objectifying women by doing so. Koji says, “According to the World Map of Average Breast Size… South Asian women are bigger with an average “B” breast cup. Go South Asians!” He does not consider the rampant violence on women’s bodies in our society, including sex trafficking, child trafficking, or domestic violence. He uses examples of soft porn as supposed science. He ends with a plea, “Please email photos of your boobs to koji[a]8asians.com. I wouldn’t say no to an inbox full of ‘research.’ ” Joking is really an excuse to say what one really wants without taking any responsibility for it.

Clearly, Butler knows that there’s no way Koji might be using humor in the examples she cites above to poke fun at the stereotypes of Asian females, just as she would know the same thing about me. Why? Because Asians don’t have a sense of humor. Duh! In that sense, we have so much in common with crazy feminists. And furthermore…wait, wait, I feel a bout of sexism coming on. So let me just get that out of the way:

OK, that’s better. What I was going to say is, I know Butler is right about this because she does what most people who are convinced they are right do—they attack their opponent’s penis:

In Koji’s articles he brandishes “scientific study” as his reason for setting out on his quest for “the truth” about Asian female breasts and vaginas. However, I’d venture that his reasons for setting out to write these articles, including Asian men’s penis sizes, is quite personal. (Unlike Roger Fan in his short film, The Quest for Length, where Fan is very open and honest about his insecurities.) Why is Koji so curious to know about the exact measurements of Asian women’s body parts? Why doesn’t he ask about what it’s in their minds? I propose that these writings suggest a loneliness and desperation for contact with another human being, specifically women.

Wow, that makes perfect sense, right? Here’s this Asian guy you’ve never interacted with or even met and he writes something that offends you as a “feminist”, so of course he must be lonely and desperate and a loser with a small penis. Well, let me say this: I’ve seen Koji’s penis—well, Koji doesn’t know I’ve seen it ‘cause he was “unconscious” at the time so don’t tell him—but let me just say that my penis is much smaller than his. Much smaller. If Koji’s penis is like the Indian guy from The Super Friends who grows to an enormous size when he utters “Inyuk chuk,” I’m like his fellow superfriend the Atom who can shrink to the size of a…well, an atom so I have that going for me. So if you want to accuse anyone of these things, again, it should be me.

Perhaps some of you are wondering why I want to be attacked by crazy feminists in this manner. It’s simple really—ratings. This sort of controversy always pulls in a lot of readers which means daddy gets paid…well, metaphorically speaking since I don’t make a dime off this blogging crap. And God forbid, that we should instead focus on “real” women’s stories like that lady in Libya who was repeatedly raped by Gaddafi’s security forces and is bravely speaking out ‘cause who cares about shit like that when you can start a petition accusing me of sexism and increase traffic to our blog by 1000%? Believe me, I’ve tried to get my feminists friends to do this, but the ones I know are all sane and have a sense of humor so they’re no good to me. So I need the non-sane-ies to represent.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with a bong, a bottle of fine malt liquor endorsed by Billy Dee Williams and a Kmart underwear catalogue.