I am not a foodie.  Plain and simple.

If I draw a 5 mile radius around my home in Los Angeles, there exists some of the finest restaurants known to humankind.  From top-rated Michelin fare to Zagat’s best to world-renowned, celebrity chef kitchens, some of the most amazing (and most expensive) gastronomically orgasmic restaurants on earth are within walking distance from my pad.  For the ardent foodie (such as my sexy Offender, Elaine), he or she would be in abdominal bliss knowing that such fine dining is but a hop, skip, and a jump away.  But for me, it’s no big deal.  In fact, it’s no deal at all.  It’s like I’m a gay eunuch living in a neighborhood brimming with the finest of titty bars.

If Padma asked me to be a foodie, who am I to say no?

Normally I don’t even think about the fact that I’m a foodie retard.  But last weekend, I was at a function and the entire conversation at our table of 10 focused on foodie talk.  More specifically, a passionate sharing and discussion of each individual’s more recent fine dining experiences.  The exchange was dizzying.  They were using words and terms that were beyond foreign to me.  I couldn’t tell if El Bulli was a verb or a noun or a medieval sex toy.  I just sat there with a glazed smile, trying my best to feign intelligence and panache.  When people looked over at me for validation, I’d kink my eyebrow, crack a smile, nod, and confirm, “That’s amazing…”  Yeah right.  What was truly amazing was that I didn’t know shit.  Compared to fine dining, I could have spoken about open heart surgery techniques, life as a hitman, or superyacht construction methods like I had a PhD.  I was completely and utterly lost in this exchange de culinary intelligencia.  I was but a mere boy without a tongue or stomach of experience surrounded by foodie vikings with years of culinary pillaging and exploitations.  It was at this dinner that I came to that I indeed had zero foodie mojo.  But why?

Now it’s not that I don’t like good food or fine dining.  If anything, I do splurge every once in a while for a nice sushi dinner.  Come to think of it, if I do drop some rather serious coin on eating out, it’s usually for sushi.  But when I look at the sushi joints I go to, they tend to be very mom and pop and not very fancy.  And I think that’s what it is.  Over the years, my preferences for restaurants have been steered in a very particular direction.  I am attracted to places with no pretense that just happen to have good food.  Tone and how the establishment connects with their patrons are my first priority, the food is always secondary.  I just don’t feel comfortable going to places that have an air of velvet ropiness and selective reservation lists.  I love walking into a restaurant where the owner feels like a close relative, the chef like your mom, and the wait staff like a good drinking buddy.  No pretense, just genuine human connection and admiration for one another.  Somehow in an environment like this, the food almost never tastes bad.

So what are my favorite restaurants?  Don’t laugh because some joints on my list may not even technically qualify as a restaurant.  For many a foodie, my list could even be seen as a culinary nightmare.  So be gentle.  Here are a few and the reasons why (these are all LA joints so sorry if these places are foreign to you non-so-cali folks).

1)  Subway.  I’ve gotten to know the owner and employees at my local sub shop over the years.  Every time I go there, it’s like catching up with old friends.  Plus, you get a consistent and decent sandwich for $5.

2)  California Chicken Cafe.  Now this is an LA thing.  It’s similar in vain to a Boston Market or Koo Koo Roo but fresher.  It’s one of the few places in LA where you can get a huge, crisp salad for under $10.  You order at the counter, grab your number, find a table, and they bring you the goods.  Quality food and great prices.

3)  Wahoo’s Fish Taco.  Technically it’s not a restaurant b/c there are no waiters.  Just like California Chicken Cafe, you go to the counter to order, get your number, find your table, and then the food comes out to you.  But what’s really cool is that they have a liquor license and beer specials of the week.  Quality Mexican food and a beer or two for under $12.  How can you beat that?  Plus, the environment is great for just hanging out and chatting.

4)  Virtually any Vietnamese noodle shop.  But it can’t be these new, haute and fancy ones.  Folding chairs, ugly menus, and fluorescent lights are the key here.

5)  Virtually any Chinese restaurant in LA.  Again, it can’t be of the upscale variety that cater to non-Asians.  Chinese food is an interesting thing.  The more ghetto the inside, the better tasting the food.  So for good Chinese, dirtier is always better.  I’m talking about food here, btw.

6)  Sushi.  Can’t beat Hidei Sushi in West Los Angeles on Sawtelle.  High quality fish for a great price in a family environment.  And if you want the really high end stuff without the stuffiness of a Sushi Sasabune (they were quite mean to me and my lover during Valentine’s day a few years back), Sushi Echigo in West Los Angeles and Sushi Nozawa in Studio City are hard to beat.  Metal chairs, tile floor, no bling, and Japan’s finest fish.  Yum.

7)  In N Out Burger.  C’mon, a double patty, double cheese burger with a french fry and drink for $5?  How can you beat that?  Those in the know get what I’m saying.  Burger bliss with a smile.

8 )  Mexican.  How can I not throw in a few Mexican joints when technically, I live in a state that was unrightfully stolen from Mexico many years past?  If you want great Mexican in the West side of LA with a family feel, you can’t go wrong with Paco’s Tacos.  It’s the Mexican restaurant in the movie, Jerry Maguire.  Try the SuperMex burrito with chicken.  It delicious!  Also, if you want a real family run joint with some rockin home cooking, you definitely got to hit Gilbert’s El Indio Restaurant in Santa Monica.  I think the daughter, mother, and grandmother all work under this one roof.  They’re all super funny and very pretty.

Well, that’s my version of a foodie list.  I’m sure the foodie ninjas have already been dispatched to dispatch me while I sleep tonight (Lucky for me, I have developed a resistance to blowfish toxin so they’ll have to take me out the old fashioned way – with tonfas and throwing stars.).  None of these restaurants will ever qualify for a Michelin rating nor will they ever make the cover of Food&Wine magazine.  But in my book, it’s restaurants like these that I can most relax, connect with people, unwind, and ultimately, enjoy the food.  To each their own, right?

Good eating!