I was helping my parents look at furniture the other day when I finally resigned myself to the fact that the search would take more than a couple hours. Thank you, Sweden.
In that desert expanse of time between upholstery perusal and meatballs with lingonberry jam, I took to finding a temporary residence in the primary color-laden labyrinth. After playing solo, silent musical chairs for a couple minutes, I found a chair that fit my tushy like a glove and slowly began to space out with my iPod and cheap over-ear headphones.
At one point, a parade of a family started marching past me and, unsurprisingly, I couldn’t care less. My music’s blaring in my ears when suddenly, in the din, I can make out a faint ‘Hello.’ I brushed it off and ignored it for a bit before realizing that a small boy no older than three was happily waving at me – me, this veritable grinch.
It was adorable, a small kindness, and, in spite of the cold, cold winter in my heart, I felt just a little less dead.
Then I went back home to kick some dogs.
This week, your Offenders click-clacked their keyboards about dick size; masturbating with Bibles; and clues regarding Batman’s sexuality. So, all in all an illuminating time for everyone! Oh, penises.
“Size does matter. (Although, I personally think personality and technique matter more, but wait, let me finish my first train of thought…) Size DOES matter.”
No, Beverly, NO! Keep going on that second train of thought. IN FACT, keep preaching that second train of thought to every woman you know till the end of the line. Tell you what: I’ll buy all the tickets for your first train of thought so that no one ever perpetuates that first train of thought ever again.
Oh, and I am secure about the size of my fun stick.
1,001 REASONS I LOVE MOVIES: (#20) JOHN BELUSHI AND ME:
“I met Belushi when I must’ve been around six-years-old in a classroom setting. I don’t remember much about it and I certainly didn’t know who he was at the time—I was too young and he wasn’t a big star yet. But I remember him being very funny and very encouraging of my creativity (he must have seen some story or drawing I had done in class).”
No famous people ever came to my elementary school to encourage me. I was only encouraged by normal people. Fuck – now I feel truly deprived. Where were you when I needed you, time-travelling Chris Nolan?!
BEING IN A GYM IS WEIRD FOR ME.:
I wrote this piece. Is that even surprising at this point? Breathlessness after a block of walking says, “No.”
MY SON WAKES UP WHISTLING EVERY MORNING. NO, REALLY, HE DOES.:
“His mother pronounced it so, but Gabriel smirked to indicate he didn’t want to be awarded a win based on maternal bias, so he turned to his father – a known competitive bastard – for a second opinion. As I’ve never cut either of my kids an inch of slack at chess, checkers or Monopoly, he knew I’d give him the unvarnished truth, biased, if anything, toward myself.”
This instantly reminded me of the many times I fought tooth and nail for victory over my father at Monopoly. Losing meant I slept in the tool shed.
“So in protesting against the religious right, Philip wanted to make a point about the bible as an agent of censorship. In the video, the bible literally blocks your view of his penis as he’s masturbating.”
I appreciate the symbolism – it’s very direct. If you only say the last part of ‘direct,’ it sounds like ‘erect.’
What a coinky-dink.
“But where things get really suspicious is when we turn to Batman’s relationship with the young Robin. You have to wonder about a grown man who takes in a boy trained in circus acrobatics to live with him and makes him dress up in a mask and green short shorts. Could be completely innocent, but, uh, yeah…”
What’s being misread here? Seriously – I want to know what that panel is like in context. What else could it mean? Think about it.
“The last time I scouted a bento lunch at a depachika, it took me a good half hour just trying to decide which one I wanted to eat because I wanted them all! It was hard enough picking just one bento from a particular stall, but one from a bunch of stalls, all selling delicious-looking bentos was torturous.”
TRUE STORY: I once spent 30 minutes deliberating on what to get at a McDonald’s. I think I’d starve from indecision in Japan.
But I’d be skinnier so that’s okay.
“Enright considers his work part performance art and part therapy for his clients and I suppose he’s not completely wrong when considering that one woman, Margo paid him $7,000 to take her to a “dark place”.”
Hey, baby – I’ll take you to a “dark place” and I’ll do it for free! And by “dark place,” I mean a relationship that gradually dissolves into a loveless, boring routine.
Wow, that sounds awful – you know what? I’ll just take the seven grand too.
SHIT ON THE INTERNET: SPIKE JONZE’S IKEA COMMERCIAL.:
My dad said my writing in this one was exceptional. When I asked him why, he said it was because I made no reference to sex.
It was awkward.
5 WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT HAD BEEN WRITTEN BY ASIANS:
“1) NOAH’S ARK WOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT LESS CRAMPED
I mean do you know how hard it would be to collect two of every single animal that exists? And then to have to build an ark that’s big enough to house all of them with no help except from your immediate family ‘cause the moment you tell anyone else about it, they’re going to want a seat on that boat? How exactly does one keep such a thing a secret from your neighbors anyway?”
I’m sure it’s not a one-to-one sort of thing, but no one’s asked to join the weekly tea party I have with my inflatable girlfriends on the front yard so the answer might not be so obvious. But, if we’re being honest, Penelope is a little intimidating. She always has this, like, new car smell. Same plastic, I think.
No picture this time – even I know that’s terrifying.
MY LIFE IS A PORNO OR PROOF OF GOD’S EXISTENCE:
“So let me get this straight—basically a rotating line-up of super hot European models are going to be living next to me for at least the next year?!”
Yes, and, coincidentally, it also means I will be “living” in a “box” just outside your place for at least the next year. With “binoculars.”
“Channel 9 showed re-runs of this show when I was a kid, and I was riveted. “In Search Of” tackled freaky deaky stuff like UFO’s, Nostradamus, the Bermuda Triangle and Bigfoot, but that was just the tip of the iceberg, the iceberg, incidentally, hovering directly over the remnants of the lost city of Atlantis (season one, episode four).”
I’m not even going to bother projecting the façade of a tough guy – which, let’s face it, I normally don’t have to – and say that anything that tackled freaky deaky stuff rarely riveted me and more often just scared me shitless while I lay awake in bed. God damn Disney movies…
ASIA SETS NEW WORLD RECORDS & SEXY UMI WANTS TO ATTEND YOUR PARTY TONIGHT:
“First, Kawasaki, Japan can now claim to have the world’s shortest escalator:”
This was followed shortly after by the Popsicle Stick Skyscraper and the 100 ft. Magnifying Glass.
I guess this is shoutout week, for I want to close this out with two things:
First, here’s a quick ‘fuck’ for Greg. He knows what I’m talking about.
…I just realized how easily that could be misconstrued. I’m dedicating one usage of the word to him, not giving him one such action. You know, just to be sure, guys. Girls. People.
Fuck.
Also, happy birthday to my dad. He’ll be reading this in the room right next to mine, but, as you all know, I am lazy and talking uses my mouth. You can all infer my dad is the best because he puts up with a son like me. (Sorry, I have a compulsion to curse.) (Don’t tell mom.)
(Really.)
