So yesterday afternoon, I make plans to meet my friend Bob for coffee. Now, Bob’s a good guy—one of the nicest dudes I know—but I can’t say he’s the most attractive man. It’s not a knock on Bob ‘cause I know he’s reading this right now and he’ll be the first to tell you he was born on the dark side of ugly. He often refers to himself as an obese yeti so hopefully that’ll give you a proper mental picture you can employ while reading the rest of this blog because it’s important to understanding the events that are about to unfold.

I meet Bob in front of the coffee shop next to where a homeless man has set up camp. The homeless guy is pretty dirty and smelly and looks like he hasn’t changed his clothes in decades (his Mondale/Ferraro for President t-shirt is a tip off), but he seems harmless enough. He asks me if I can spare any change. I reply, “I’m sorry.” Then, he turns to Bob and says, “can you suck my dick?” Bob’s reply: “Uh…sorry, dude, but I’m married.”

Bob and I take a seat on the outdoor patio to enjoy our iced mochas. But then I notice a curious thing. The homeless guy is asking everyone who walks by if they could suck his dick. It doesn’t matter who they are—male or female, ugly or good-looking, straight or gay, white or black or every color in-between—he asks them all. At one point, I think he even propositions a passing dog that promptly lets out a series of barks before running off.

And this begins to bother me.

“Hey Bob, do you think it’s weird that the homeless guy is asking everyone if they can suck his dick, but he didn’t ask me?” I inquire.

“What are you talking about, dude?” Bob replies.

“The homeless guy who asked you to suck his dick…I’ve been noticing that he’s asking everyone who walks by to suck his dick, too.”

“So?”

“Well, he didn’t ask me to suck his dick. Don’t you find that a little odd?”

“Uh…where is this going?”

“I don’t think it’s a racial thing ‘cause I saw him ask that Asian dude who looked like a middle-aged William Hung to suck his dick.”

“Can we talk about something else?”

“Look, I know I’m no Daniel Henney but come on…he asked you and you’re the self-proclaimed obese yeti. I think if you warrant a ‘can you suck my dick,’ I certainly warrant a measly ‘can you suck my dick?’ I mean…Jesus, did you just see that? He just asked that dude whose face looks like Satan’s ass if he could suck his dick! Fuck this, this isn’t right.”

“Calm down, dude, why don’t…Shit, what are you doing?”

Bob has noticed I have risen from my seat. This injustice will not stand. I stomp over to the homeless guy.

“So,” I say, “how come you didn’t ask me if I wanted to suck your dick?”

“Huh?” The homeless guy replies.

“Oh, don’t give me that. What? I’m not good enough to suck your dick? Is that what it is? You don’t think I’m worthy enough to suck your oh so precious dick?”

“Uh…do you want to suck my dick?”

“Hell no! I wouldn’t touch your dick with a ten foot pole.” Hmm…I wish I had picked a less phallic metaphor. “I just want to know why you didn’t ask me if I could suck your dick.”

“I’m sorry. It wasn’t anything personal. I guess I just forgot to ask you to suck my dick. That’s all. Really.”

“Well, next time you should be more careful. It’s not nice to exclude one person like that. People have feelings. I—we’re not machines, you know.”

The homeless guy apologizes again. Satisfied that he meant no ill will, I return to my table. Later, as I’m leaving the coffee shop, the homeless guy waves to get my attention. I turn just in time to see him making a thrusting motion with his hand as if he were shoving an invisible penis in and out of his mouth. He smiles. It’s his way of saying “I’m sorry” for the final time. I nod; accepting his apology.

So why am I sharing this story with you, our loyal readers? Simply to serve as a reminder, as we start another busy work week, to take a moment to remember how our actions might affect others around us. A reminder to be sensitive and considerate of other people’s feelings. And if a blowjob-seeking hobo can learn that lesson, then so can we all.