DOMINIC

Dominic Mah is a writer, director, and ex-professional gambler. He is currently shooting a movie, a feature-length dark-comedy-type-movie. He also blogs about pop culture, girl problems, casinos, and Robotech at http://dommah.com/. Mispronounced in the right way, his name is a strong Vietnamese curse word.

The most common question I get asked about my weird former job is, “So are you really good at poker?” The second common-est question is, “So why don’t you go out and beat the casinos by yourself?”

The short answers to those questions are, “No, I don’t play games that involve thinking” and “Because you need at least $200,000 in totally disposable income to have a chance of beating the casinos.” All gaming strategies for the so-called Asian games (blackjack, pai gow, baccarat, pan-9, etc.) are based on adding to your statistical advantage. Statistically, there are always going to be swings of big wins and big losses. You are not just gonna sit down and win 100 hands in a row based on your system. You must be able to absorb a swing of losses over a long series of hands before the statistics creep towards your favor. In my case, over the course of the first two years of the job, I was down about $200,000 and ended up positive by $2 million-something. However, it wasn’t my money. I don’t have $200,000 to lose, so I would have been forced to quit long before the upswing started to happen.

But that’s not really a fun answer. People want to hear that there’s a secret formula that will make you invincible, and get you rich very quick. So then I mention that there ARE ways to win at a California casino. None of them, however, involve actually playing cards…

1) ROB PEOPLE.

This is easier and less dangerous than it sounds, as long as you’re willing to enter the moral kill-or-be-killed world upon which you tacitly agree when you try to rob people. Still, it works. I would never want to encourage someone to a life of crime, but IF I DID, I’d want them to target the people who can afford it and who really deserve it. For one thing, only rob players — stealing from the casino is folly unless you’re Ocean’s 11 and already have a million bucks to buy an earthquake machine. A $5000 chip is a little bigger than an Oreo and a lot smaller than a stack of 5000 actual dollars. They’re tiny, easily misplaced, and slippery-surfaced. Despite, this, people are always fiddling with them openly on the table, just to show off how rich they are. Many a time I’ve seen a mama with nimble fingers take the opportunity to pinch, always with the perfect alibi: “No way! Last hand you bet there you lose! Haha! You don’t remember already?”

Sure, there’s a chance that you will get caught in the act, be barred from the casino forever (another plus), and maybe get stabbed in the chest with a fork. But my point is, it’s still a better gamble than actually gambling.

2) GO KUM KUM / USE BAD MATH.

Going “kum-kum” is a custom within Cali gambling using a similar math to that of blockbuster film financing, or splitting the bar tab with a bunch of drunks….that is, totally arbitrary, fuzzy, prejudicial math. Basically, “kum-kum” means you pool your money together with others and share the consequences, win and lose. EX: The table minimum bank is $1000 (don’t worry about what a bank is, it’s way too much to go into here). Mama 1 puts in $300, Fred 62 puts in $300, Mr. Kim puts in $300, and Kenny Rogers puts in $300. The banks is now $1200 KUM KUM 4 WAYS. Each person has 1 way. Remember this, because no one else on the table will.

Now pay attention: winning or losing the hand is irrelevant. The key is what happens during the split of the kum-kum bank. After a loud fuss and scurry over getting “in” on the kum-kum situation, once the hand is done (and the bank has either increased or in some cases partially decreased), NO ONE remembers how much money they put in originally. The floorman or dealer will try to do a complicated split of the kum-kum monies, in this case, into 4 equal ways. Then someone will say, “Nonono, I had 2 ways.” Then someone will shout, “Nonono, it’s 5 ways, not four.” There is some screaming and spitting at this point. Some mama from a distant land will arrive and demand that she has one-third of one way, despite not physically being in the casino during the last hand, and sometimes they’ll give it to her just to shut her up. You just have to shout real loud at the correct moment of confusion, and then you can walk away with the money.

The hardcore gamblers favor really arcane kum-kum splits, like 13 ways, 7-and-a-half ways. This is to promote both superstitious luckiness and the confusion that will enable you to pinch ways. So when you arrive at the Bicycle Club for the first time and someone offers, “Honey, you wanna go Kum-kum with me 3 ways?” don’t get excited, it’s usually a losing proposition.

3) BE REALLY HOT.

It’s lame that this always works. However, it always does. It’s not a good world. Losers throw money at beauty to make themselves feel better. Winners buy sexiness to affirm their own rock-godlike powers. The trick is, if you make this play, try to get paid with chips or cash….as opposed to drinks, drugs, scalped sports tickets, or promises of “get you best deal on your next cell phone/playstation/set of tires.”

4) BECOME A SHOESHINER.

If you are not blessed or enhanced with physical foxiness, the alternate career path is to become a professional Shoeshiner (also sometimes: “Railbird”, “Leech”). Shoeshiners hunt down and attach themselves to high-roller players and try to get money off those players, WITHOUT (and this is key) expending any effort or money of their own. They are essentially your very own Personal Useless Cheerleader. Want some coffee? The shoeshiner will shout towards a food server for you. Big win? The shoeshiner will assure you of your gambling genius. Made a bonehead play? The shoeshiner will say, “I tell you no bet there! Why don’t listen to me!?” Need an actual shoeshine? The shoeshiner will shout for someone else who can do that.

However, the art of panhandling has survived for a reason. People like the attention that comes from perceived wealth, and if they can’t work it from the hotties, at least they can get it from slavering sycophants. There is one guy in the casino, we’ll just call him Don Julio Quach, who is there ever single day and never plays a hand and never does anything except smoke and eat the free spring rolls. He is working a steady grift of gullible high-rollers so that he can keep himself in Abercrombie and hair gel. He is there right now, getting money for nothing. Because he and I both came to the casino daily for the purpose of paying our bills, I have spent more hours in this lifetime in the same room with him than with any of my my first cousins. I am not proud of that fact.

5) DON’T PLAY.

The funny thing about the Great Poker Craze of the early-mid-00′s is that nobody went in it to lose. Everyone was pretty sure they either had or could acquire the skill to be A Winner. But poker doesn’t work like that because you are playing for a pot comprised of other people’s money. Poker ONLY thrives if someone is hemorrhaging money. It’s not the Special Olympics. Poker “booms” occur when there is a new influx of losers. (Be they recent immigrants, careless dotcom millionaires, or kids from West of the 110 freeway.) And don’t kid yourself that you can play poker, the “skill” game, and stay away from the “pure chance” games. Even world champion poker player Johnny Chan often came to our pan-9 table to play a game of absolute randomness for over $20,000 a hand, and yes, even normal Matt Damon could get the better of him at that game.

Many have told me that they have a system for winning. “Winning” exists, to be sure. But in my years on the table I observed that There Is No Amount Of Money You Can Win That You Cannot Lose. The question is, with your infallible mathematical formula from MIT or Q or Shazam or whoever, would you STOP once you have won $200,000? A reasonable person says, “Yes, of course I would.” But it doesn’t happen. I’ve seen people have that magical night where they go from the last chip in their pocket to racks and racks of winnings….only to give it all right back. Part of my job, in fact, was to get them to give it all back. Don’t become a statistic.

Check out Dominic’s previous posts: here, here and here.