If you’re like millions of others, you’ve made your resolutions for the new year, vowed to keep them and will soon fail miserably in that goal. Well, 2010 can be different. This can be the year when you actually follow through on your resolutions. And I’m here to help.

You can surf the web and find plenty of advice on how to keep your resolutions. For example, this guy offers five easy steps: aim low, don’t overload yourself, tell everyone you know, reward yourself and wait until spring. BOOOOORRRRING! And no shit Sherlock—this is stuff we already know and have heard many times before. It didn’t help us in the past and it’s not going to help us now.

You are going to need outside help because, let’s face it—you have no will power of your own. Sure you can turn to your family or friends for support, but they will prove useless in the end. They’re just going to say stupid shit like “you can do it” and “I believe in you,” but they’ll be too wimpy to administer the real tough love you need. If your resolution is to lose weight and they catch you eating a whole pie in the bathroom, they’re not going to hold your head over the toilet and force their fingers down your throat so you throw it all back up like they should. No, they’ll just give you a hug and say, “it’s OK, you’ll do better next time.” That’s not going to help you! And, sure, you could hire an expensive life coach to motivate you, but there’s still nothing really at stake that will make you listen to them.

That’s the key phrase here—something needs to be “at stake” for you to make a real change. The only way you’re going to stick to your resolutions is if you have something to lose.

In Stephen King’s short story Quitters, Inc. (adapted as one of the stories in the film Cat’s Eye), a man goes to an agency that virtually guarantees they will help you stop smoking (they have a 98% success rate). How do they do this? Simple–anytime you light up, some tough mob dudes torture you and/or your family. Every time you smoke a cigarette, your wife gets electrocuted or you get a finger cut off—that sort of thing. If none of these tactics work, they eventually kill you (that’s the 2% who are unsuccessful).

What better way to keep your resolutions then to know that if you break them, you and/or your loved ones will get a finger chopped off?

Of course such a business does not exist in real life (at least to my knowledge). But with the economy still in the toilet, I don’t think it would be too difficult to find “independent contractors” who would be willing to take on such a job. Just go down to Chinatown or Little Saigon and approach the guys loitering on the corner who look like they’re up to no good and make them an offer. You’d be surprised how many times you’ll get a “yes.”

And as I’ve written before, we here at YOMYOMF are always looking to expand our brand so maybe if there’s enough interest, we can start our own business catering to this underserved market. We need to give Roger and Sung something to do between acting gigs anyway.

If this is too extreme for you, then I recommend making resolutions that you will actually want to keep. Why do they have to be ones that are tough and feel like a chore? So if your resolutions are the typical goody-goody Asian ones like “I will get all ‘A’s on my report card,” throw them out and forget about them this instant. You only live once so break away from those tired stereotypes and pick some cool ones you’ll be more than happy not to break. For example, I’ve found that “bang a different white chick every week” is an excellent resolution to add to any list whether you’re male or female. It’s a new year, enjoy it!