So if you’ve been keeping up with the news, you know the world will end this month on the 21st, at least according to the Mayan calendar. A whooping 10% of the population believes this is the date of the apocalypse. Yup, a lot of people believe this shit and for those who do, it must be a scary time. So I’m here to let you know exactly what you need to do to survive the impending day of doom.
The first question we must ask before we discuss the “how” of survival is figuring out the “how” of how the world will come to an end. The Mayans are vague and unclear about the specific details so let’s apply
my our own logic to this thorny question.
The end will most likely not come from an environment disaster like the polar ice caps melting and flooding most of the planet because most likely that will be more gradual and we still have a few years before that happens. If an asteroid were on a crash course to earth, we would’ve already discovered it and Bruce Willis would be flying towards it on a space shuttle at this very moment to blow that mother up. If it were something utterly catastrophic like the earth exploding into a gazillion pieces—well, then survival doesn’t matter because no one would be around to worry about surviving, would they?
Then, what is the most likely scenario? I’m going to go with a zombie apocalypse.
You may think that’s silly, but if it were completely unrealistic, do you think the CDC would have issued a zombie apocalypse preparedness guide? This is the CDC! They cure the most fucked-up diseases that could wipe out all of humankind so they wouldn’t be making up this shit for no reason.
So let’s say I’m right and on December 21, your friends and neighbors start turning into zombies—what can you do to survive? Other people may tell you to stockpile guns and ammo, but they’re wrong—that’s only a band-aid for a larger problem. Fortunately, I’ve studied this scenario long and hard, and have come to the conclusion that there’s only one sure way to survive a zombie apocalypse:
Be in a coma in a hospital.
If Hollywood has taught us anything, it is this—if you are in a coma or a coma-like state in a hospital when that zombie apocalypse goes down, you will survive unscathed. Just look at films/TV shows like 28 Days Later or The Walking Dead–the main protagonists survive because they are conked out in a hospital. It doesn’t matter if that hospital is overrun by zombies and everyone else in the facility is eaten, killed or transformed into the undead, if you are asleep in a hospital room barricaded by nothing more than a gurney that one zombie could easily move out of the way, you will somehow survive.
Does this mean I am suggesting you should force yourself into a coma on December 20? Of course not, that’s just stupid. No, what you should do is head over to your nearest hospital on December 20, find a room that someone in a coma is already occupying and just barricade yourself in there with the coma patient and nothing more than the aforementioned flimsy gurney and just ride it out while everyone else is torn and eaten.
In this way you’ll survive that first brutal wave of the apocalypse, but what do you do afterwards? How do you survive in a post-apocalyptic world where flesh-hungry zombies will be walking the earth? Again, the standard advice will be to stockpile on those guns and ammo, but instead we should return to Hollywood’s sage advice, in this particular instance, the sage advice of one Bill Murray from Zombieland to just “blend in”:
Yes, it’s that simple. Just slap on that zombie make-up and you can go out and interact as you’d always do—play a few rounds of golf, visit Disneyland without having to wait in long lines, etc… And if you don’t know how to make yourself up to look like a zombie, click here for a simple tutorial.
And you’re welcome.
Finally, money will be completely useless in this post-apocalyptic landscape so what I recommend is that you send your cash to me directly for safe keeping. Just mail me a cashier’s check in care of YOMYOMF, which I will deposit in a secure offshore account. If the world ends, you won’t need that money anyway. But if status quo reigns, I’ll happily return your money. I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die, but preferably not torn and eaten by a zombie.