Dear Asian American Criminal:

Let me start off by saying that I don’t condone your criminal lifestyle—the murdering, the thieving, the embezzling, the assaulting and all the other illegal, awful things you do. But I know you are loyal readers of this blog because…well, just look at the shit we write about. And as loyal readers, I feel an obligation to return that loyalty to you and I can’t think of a better occasion to do that than on this Lunar New Year holiday. So let me just give you this one piece of valuable advice if you plan on committing your heinous crimes on this day of all days:

Don’t do it in Chinatown!

It doesn’t matter if you commit your crimes in Chinatown on the other 364 days of the year, this is the one day you must avoid it because I guarantee that you will get caught. Why? Because if Hollywood movies and TV shows have taught us anything, it’s that white cops are always busting Asian criminals in Chinatown while the new year’s celebrations are taking place.

I’ve briefly touched on this issue before, but let me explain further here. Whenever a film or TV crime show like Law & Order or Blue Bloods features a Chinatown storyline with the cops or detectives investigating some Asian-related crime, it’s almost always during Lunar New Year’s celebrations. The streets are decked with chinky new year’s decorations…

The area’s residents are dressed in their “traditional” outfits…

And there’s always a parade (not to mention firecrackers going off every few seconds that can easily be mistaken for gun shots)…

Speaking of which, if you’re going to be foolish enough to commit a crime in Chinatown during this day, you definitely have to avoid the parades. Because it’s always during the parades that the white cop will find you, leading to a foot chase through the crowd with innocent people getting hurt especially the guys who do the dragon dance thing:

Those guys are always getting knocked down during these white cop-Asian criminal Lunar New Year parade foot chases. And even though you’re a criminal, I know you don’t want to see those guys getting hurt ‘cause they’re pretty damn awesome.

In fact, let me even go a step further and say that all Asian Americans should avoid Chinatown during Lunar New Year’s because even if you’re not a criminal, you still run the risk of being hassled by the Man.

Picture this: You’re walking along the street, saying “Gung Hay Fat Choy” to everyone, enjoying the awesome dragon dancers and passing out red envelopes of money to needy strangers—just minding your own business when all of a sudden a white cop grabs you, pulls you into an alley and slams you against the brick wall. And as the cop removes his expensive designer sunglasses—the kind no cop on his salary would realistically be able to afford—in super slow-motion, you’re confused and scared because you’ve done nothing wrong.

“Where’s Wu Fat?” the cop asks you menacingly.

“Who? I don’t know a Wu Fat!” you reply.

“Not Hu! Wu! I know you’re lying! I’ve dealt with your type in Vietnam and you’re all liars!”

“I don’t know anyone with that name! I’m from Sherman Oaks!”

“Speak English, motherfucker! Can’t understand a word you’re saying! I know you know where Wu is. And if you don’t talk, my fist is going to deliver a kung pao to your mouth with a flavor and kick you’ll never forget!”

The cop knocks you around some more and leaves you bleeding and hurt in the alley when he realizes you ain’t talking. And all because you had the bright idea of visiting Chinatown during Lunar New Year.

Is that anyway to spend a holiday? No! Not unless you like to be unfairly humiliated and abused. Or you’re Japanese.

As for you criminals, if you’re going to insist on committing a crime on Lunar New Year’s, here’s another bit of advice: forget Chinatown and target some other place like…oh, Beverly Hills. I guarantee you’ll get away with your crime there because–once again thanks to the movies and TV–we know there are no Asians in Beverly Hills (Thank you, both incarnations of 90210!), therefore, no cops will suspect that any Asians could be responsible and you’ll be home safe with your loot celebrating a happy and prosperous new year indeed.