As an Asian American, some of you might be thinking that Arizona’s new legislation that allows law enforcement officers to demand to see identification from anyone they “suspect” of being in the country illegally doesn’t affect you. You may be thinking this is more of a Latino issue. But the reality is if you think being Asian in Arizona makes you safe, you’re sadly mistaken.
Just look at the facts: even before this racist law came into being, 332 Chinese in Arizona were arrested on immigration-related charges in 2009 (way up from just 38 in 2008). One-fourth of the Asian population in that state is classified as “limited-language proficient” which means the cops could very easily mistake your FOB ass for an illegal FOB ass. Ten percent of the 10-12 million undocumented aliens in the U.S. are Asian so you can bet they’ll be keeping their in-bred hick eyes on the yellow as well as the brown (and forget about it if you’re Filipino–no one’s going to believe you’re Asian anyway, they’ll just automatically deport your ass back to Mexico). I have faith that the good people of this country—of all races and persuasions—will eventually overturn this law, but if you’re Asian and currently living in Arizona, what do you do in the meantime to keep from being unjustly questioned, detained and/or deported?
Well, my friend, I’m afraid you only have one real choice. You have to blend in with the “majority.” In short, you have to out white the whites. You have to become whiter than Wonder Bread vacationing in the Arctic. You have to become whiter than the CW’s prime-time line-up. You have to become so white that if you ran into Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa, they’d be like, “Damn, you so white!” “Darn, you possess even more distinctly Caucasian attributes than we do.”
So how do you do this? Let me offer some helpful tips:
CHANGE YOUR NAME AND THE NAMES OF EVERYONE IN YOUR FAMILY
A foreign-sounding name will instantly raise red flags so you must pick the whitest name possible. But don’t be fooled into thinking names like Joe or Mary will protect you. Those are the equivalent of the generic brands of toilet paper that promise to do the job, but only shred into pieces as it makes contact with your ass. Nope, you need your Charmin a.k.a. super white names like Wellington, Nevin, Donovan, Marie Antoinette, Blake, Paris or Eva Braun. I challenge you to find one person in all of American history with any of those names who has ever been deported.
PRETEND TO EAT WHITE PEOPLE FOOD
Again, you need to be careful here. For many Asians, tacos and burritos might be considered “American” food, but enjoying them in Arizona can lead to a slow boat ride back to China. So you have to be cautious and only eat food that can’t be mistaken as “ethnic” in any way. Which leaves you with basically two choices: fondue and crepes.
I guarantee you that no one who is in this country illegally has ever so much as been within 100 yards of either fondue or crepes. “Amigo, come to mi casa for some cerveza, tequila and fondue” is a line that has never been uttered in the history of recorded time. Even if you can’t actually bear to bring yourself to eat this shit, if a cop stops you and asks for identification, just casually mutter under your breath, “Gosh darn it, I’m going to be late for Wellington and Paris’ fondue and crepe party” and watch as Mr. Police Officer apologizes for the inconvenience and leaves you alone.
DEMAND SCHOOLS GET RID OF THEIR ETHNIC STUDIES PROGRAMS
Oh wait…no need to do this. Already taken care of. Thank you once again, Arizona.
If jogging or running is your main source of exercise, you’re going to have to stop cold turkey. The only people who run in Arizona are those trying to avoid getting hit by a jeep or shot by a sniper while crossing the border. You don’t want to be the victim of mistaken identity and risk being hit by that jeep or shot by that sniper. You have to be careful even when you’re just walking. Asians tend to walk faster than white people and that could mark you as an illegal. Slow down and think, “how would a white person move?” Walk Strut down the sidewalk as if you own the world. Be confident, keep your head up high, lead with your crotch and exude an aura of “I’m your typical bad ass American and I don’t take shit from no one. So pass the fondue, bitch!”
LEARN TO LOVE THE THINGS WHITE PEOPLE LOVE
Here’s a partial list of things you better start loving: Abercrombie & Fitch, ice hockey, political bumper stickers, Taylor Swift, following Ashton Kutcher on Twitter, The Last Airbender, medical marijuana, dissing Ashton Kutcher movies, backpacking through India to find yourself, Adam Carolla, post-modern irony, Japanese porn, Sarah Palin, hacky sacks, Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire, mayonnaise, accepting government bail-outs…
For more stuff that white people like, go here.
FINALLY, MOVE OUT OF ARIZONA
White flight, baby! Do you really want to live in a state with so many…foreigners? I hear Alaska’s nice.
And remember that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Give it up for Arizona circa 1991: