So last week, Warner Bros. officially confirmed that Marion Cotillard and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are on board for director Chris Nolan’s third and final installment in his Batman franchise. However, early speculation that they would be playing villains Talia al Ghul and Alberto Falcone, respectively, have turned out to be false (unless Nolan pulls a switcheroo).
But this latest news made me think of the villains and other criminal element in Gotham City (home of the Dark Knight). Now, unless you’re a sociopath like the Joker who finds pleasure in his confrontations with the Bat, it’s gotta be tough to operate on the other side of the law in a city where you’re always looking over your shoulder in case a psycho in a bat suit shows up to break your legs when all you want to do is steal a few jewels to feed your family. So here are 5 bits of advice that will help you survive if you decide to pursue the criminal life in Gotham City.
1) COMMIT YOUR CRIMES IN THE DAYTIME
By now, any criminal has to have figured out that Batman only comes out at night. He is the Dark Knight after all and, let’s be honest, a dude in a rubber bat suit running around in broad daylight isn’t going to strike terror in anyone except maybe the S&M transvestite hookers working the day shift on Hollywood Blvd who are afraid they now have new competition for their business. Yet, time and time again, the criminals in Gotham City insist on committing their crimes at night and, time and time again, they end up getting their asses kicked by the Bat. That’s like walking into the lion’s cage at the zoo wearing a suit made out of raw meat during the lion’s feeding time. If you’re going to walk into the lion’s cage at all, at least do it when the lion is out for its veterinarian check-up. It’s just common sense, people.
2) NEVER COMMIT A CRIME AT A GLITZY, BLACK-TIE EVENT
Have you noticed that Gotham City seems to host an awful lot of really glitzy balls and fundraisers filled with lots of rich folks in fancy tuxedos and expensive dresses? And some bad guy is always crashing these events to cause mayhem? And the Batman always shows up to thwart the bad guy’s plans? Always. These fancy shindigs are to the Batman what shit is to flies or what the Lakers starting line-up are to the Kardashian sisters. Doesn’t matter if it’s a big-ticket benefit for an incorruptible politician or a circus fundraiser, you try something illegal at one of these things, the Batman is guaranteed to show up. In fact, if you plan to ignore my previous advice and commit your crime at night, rob a bank during the same time that some fancy event’s taking place ‘cause you know the Batman will be too preoccupied there to worry about you.
3) DON’T WORK AS A HENCHMAN FOR THE JOKER OR ANY OTHER PSYCHOTIC VILLAIN
I suppose it shouldn’t come as a surprise that most of the top villains in a cesspool like Gotham City are homicidal maniacs. Nutjobs like the Joker, Two Face or Poison Ivy don’t need much motivation to set off their murderous rage. And oftentimes this rage will be directed at their own henchmen. So here’s what I don’t get—someone like the Joker will kill all his henchmen with his deadly laughing gas because he’s bored or something, yet each time he gets out of Arkham to commit more crimes, the Joker never has any problem finding more saps to work for him. What?! Don’t these guys talk to each other? “Hey Joe, what’s up?” “Well, I just got an offer from the Joker to be his henchman.” “Really? You know Bob and Terry worked as his henchmen last month and the Joker killed them both with his electric joy buzzer for no reason.” “Wow, did not know that. Thanks for the heads up. I guess it would be foolish of me to take the gig and work for a boss like that.” Can I get an Amen?
4) FIGURE OUT BATMAN’S SECRET IDENTITY
Another thing I don’t understand is why more people haven’t figured out that Batman is really billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. Granted, Bats’ efforts to protect his secret identity aren’t nearly as lame as his pal Superman’s (Glasses? Really?), but anyone with half a brain can easily deduce the Dark Knight’s identity. First, since Bats has a lot of expensive toys and gadgets, you know he has to be super rich so that limits your choices. Next, he’s out every night so you know the dude can’t be married ‘cause no way wifey would put up with that. Finally, cross reference all that with anyone who lost their parents to a violent crime as a child and then spent the next fifteen years traveling the world learning every sort of deadly martial arts known to man. So basically, you’re looking for a single billionaire whose parents were murdered by a criminal and is trained in every fighting style ever invented. Which should narrow down your choices to one man in all of Gotham City. And once Robin the Boy Wonder enters the picture, it even gets easier. I mean how many other guys who fit the description above has also taken in a young boy as his “ward?” Damn, the criminals in Gotham City are dumb if they can’t figure out that shit!
5) MOVE OUT OF GOTHAM CITY
You know what’s great about a city like New Orleans or Miami? You can commit all the crimes you want without worrying about a scary guy in a bat suit throwing a bat-shaped ninja star at your face. Consider moving. That is all.