OK, maybe I’m exaggerating the title. I wasn’t actually attacked by fornicating skunks—they just gave me really dirty looks when I interrupted their lovemaking, but it was still a scary and angst-ridden encounter (see how I cleverly worked in our “flavah of the week” topic). 

But before I go any further, you may be wondering why I am writing about this subject. As regular readers of my “How To Survive” series already know, I try to offer helpful hints on how to survive common situations that you may encounter in your daily life. Well, it just so happens that February is the start of skunk mating season and should you ever find yourself in a similar dilemma to the one I faced on a cold February night a few years ago, you should be educated about your options.

It was about 2 or 3 AM in the morning and I was getting home after a long day of partying working. I was completely exhausted from all that partying working; probably the most tired I’d been in a long time. I just wanted to jump into bed and conk out. But as I pulled into my driveway, I immediately knew something was wrong. Maybe it was the mysterious fog that had suddenly crept in like a thief in the night or the way the moonlight reflected off those wisps of fog like a lighthouse beam portending danger ahead…well, actually it was probably the strange noise I was hearing coming from the foot of the stairs leading to my second-floor bachelor pad. It sounded like two feral cats battling each other for territorial supremacy but when I went to investigate, what I found was much worse…

It was two skunks fucking. Passionately. With wild abandon. At the foot of my stairs. Blocking the path up the stairs leading to my front door. The only way to get into my place. To the warm and inviting bed that was waiting for me like an impatient lover back from a long stint in prison. And because these two skunks picked that exact moment in time and that exact location to get busy with each other, I was stuck. But that was the least of my problems.

The male skunk spotted me and he was not a happy camper. He looked right into my eyes, opened his mouth threateningly and made a grunting noise while showing off his sharp teeth fangs. It was pretty scary. He was like the Exorcist skunk. All that was missing was his head rotating around 360 degrees. I can’t blame him though. It’s actually hard for a male skunk to get laid so I understand his frustration at being interrupted. I’ve since learned that female skunks are very picky about who they mate with so if a male tries to get nasty with a female and she doesn’t like him, she’ll spray him. Imagine if human females had that ability. I can tell you I’d be taking a lot more showers.

Anyway, I slowly started backing away toward my car–careful not to make eye contact as I’d always heard making eye contact with wild animals was bad. I wasn’t afraid he was going to come after me. No, I was afraid he was going to spray me. I had read somewhere that skunks can spray pretty far (up to 15 feet or more as it turns out). I had no idea if the skunk could both spray and make love to his woman at the same time, but there was no way I was hanging around to find out (Random skunk fact: the male skunk has a penis bone that is 2.3 cm long).

I made it back to my car and waited for them to finish. And waited. And waited. And all I could think was, “what the fuck was taking them so long?!” I thought mammals were known for being quick. If so, these skunks obviously didn’t get that memo.

Finally, it looked like they were done. Yes, I could go up to my bed and fall into sweet slumber land. But…the skunks weren’t moving. The dude skunk was still laying on top of his woman and it looked like they were…spooning. What the fuck?! I was so tired that I was becoming delirious by this point. From the safety of my car, I started shouting at the male skunk, “What’s wrong with you?! Just tell her you have to get up early tomorrow morning and you’ll call her later in the week and get out of there!”

But they weren’t moving. They didn’t look like they were going anywhere. I weighed my options—Do I just wait and do nothing? Do I turn the hose on them? Do I make loud noises to scare them off? Do I give them a cigarette? Play Barry White? What?! Oh, the angst (see how I once again cleverly worked in our “flavah of the week” topic? Yup, I’m that good)!

I think I must have fallen asleep because the next time I looked, the skunks were gone. And at that point I realized that if you ever come home to find two skunks going at it in front of your door, the best thing to do, hell, maybe the only thing to do is…wait. You’re in their world now and there’s nothing you can do.

But if you do have skunk problems, check out this advice from the skunk whisperer. And before I go, I’ve included a skunk porno below for your enjoyment, but as it doesn’t include a soundtrack, play this first:

Then, while the song above is playing, watch this:

(Thanks to Margaret for suggesting this blog topic)