koreanleadI realize I’ve been posting a lot of entries in my “How To Survive” series recently. I usually like to spread them out, but I guess it’s just been one of those weeks where these urgent issues seem to be confronting us constantly. If you’re Asian American and on Facebook, you may have noticed a link to this article being sent around in the past couple of days: Are Korean-American women narrow-minded and uncultured?

The piece was posted a few months ago by Ricky Kim, a Korean American man like myself, and takes Korean American women to task for being superficial, materialistic and self-absorbed. He admits that Korean women are the most beautiful women in the world, but concludes by writing: “Even though it’s against my mother’s wishes, I probably won’t marry a Korean-American woman. I need to be passionately attracted to my significant other, and for the most part attractive Korean-American women have unattractive personal values. They don’t care about the issues. They care about themselves. They call me negative but I feel the most positive thing you can do is have the courage to address the painful realities in order to build a brighter future for our children.”

If you look at the comments responding to Kim’s original post, you’ll see the strong outrage directed against him and his views. Now, I know that many of our readers have never dated a Korean American woman but want to because–and I totally agree with my boy Ricky here–they are the hottest women on earth. But your knowledge in this area is limited because the only Korean American women you know of are either cylons:

ParkasValeriiMAIN456_Deserted on a strange tropical island:

lost4-sunOr have a golf club permanently attached to their hands:

Michelle-WieSo, you may be thinking: Are Korean American women really as bad as this guy Ricky Kim says? The answer is yes and yes, please! Not only that, but they’re actually far worse—my boy Ricky has only touched the tip of the iceberg. In a poll that someone told me about seeing somewhere at some point in time, Korean American women were voted the most high-maintenance of all Asian American women and the least desirable as wife material because of this (Japanese American women were ranked most desirable as wife material because, well, they live to take care of their men). But as we established, KA women are super hot and you’re still going to ask them out, so the least I can do is try to help you navigate through a potentially dangerous situation. For those of you who are going to brave that date with a Korean American woman, I offer these survival tips.

First, let’s address the question of how materialistic KA women really are. As Kim observes in his article: “Just the other day at a bar, I overheard Korean women talking to each other, saying that they would not date men who drove less than BMW’s.”

If a KA woman has agreed to go out on a date with you, it means she thinks you have money. So, if you don’t drive a Benz or at least a Lexus, if you’re not going to show up at her door with a dozen roses in one hand and the latest Prada Louis Vuitton purse in the other as your way of saying hello, if you can’t get a table next to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore at the hottest restaurant in WeHo—then, you might as well stay home with a jar of Vaseline, some tissue and the cell phone photos you secretly snapped of that hot Korean chick who lives in your apartment complex and likes to lay out by the pool in her skimpy two-piece bikini because you have a better chance of scoring with your iPhone than you do on your date.

If you’re already the CEO of some Fortune 500 company or your last name is Clooney and you own a villa on a beautiful Italian lake, you have nothing to worry about. Hell, you shouldn’t even be reading this, you should be out there right now bopping Miss Koreatown on your private jet! But I’m going to assume that you are a normal Joe, you don’t have that kind of money and there are days when your 15 year old Honda Civic won’t even run.

Well, all is not lost, my friend. We live in America! In America, all our dreams can come true! In America, the underdog (that’s you–in case you’re a little slow) can come out on top! How? Because we have access to that wonderful thing known as high-interest credit cards! Get one. Better yet–get two or three. Remember—you are dating a KA woman—the Mount Everest of women! It’s going to be painful and expensive to reach this summit, but if you make it to the top and you plant your flag on that snowy peak, the fact that you will be bankrupt and in life-long debt will be worth it.

Now you have to be careful about the actual date itself. After all, you’ll be skipping lunch for the next 12 months so you can lease that expensive car (make sure it’s black), purchase your finely tailored Italian suit and pay for the meal at the hottest restaurant so you want things to go smoothly. The main thing to remember is—never, under any circumstances, go within a half mile radius of any high-end shopping mall, Rodeo Drive, Brentwood—basically any place where she has the chance to say any variation of the following phrase: “Don’t you think that dress would look good on me?” If you let this happen, it is the beginning of the end, my friend. Not only will you be buying her that $5000 dress on your first date, there will be the matching earrings, the five pairs of shoes, the jacket, the purses—it’s like entering a black hole. You will get sucked in and there is no coming back.

OK, let’s say you’ve avoided that pitfall. You’re at the fancy restaurant—Ashton and Demi cuddling at the next table over–and the waiter comes by and asks if the two of you would like a drink. You should know that Koreans love to drink. I read a statistic just today that said that in Korea, over three million bottles of soju are consumed every year (this is just soju, doesn’t include other alcohol). That comes out to a whopping 90 bottles of soju each year for every Korean person over the age of 20. Jinro, the most popular brand of soju, is the best-selling liquor on the planet earth.

You may be thinking—this is great news. I’ll get her drunk, her inhibitions will drop and we’ll be ending the night playing hide the mu kimchi back at her place. Thank you, Mr. or Mrs. Jinro!

mukimchi (mu kimchi)

Wrong! Game over, man! Do not pass Go! Do not collect $200! First of all, repeat after me—she is Korean. In order to get her drunk enough for her inhibitions to drop, you will be spending more on alcohol on one date then you do on your rent for one month. Here’s the other thing about KA women—there is a naturally-occurring, invisible chastity belt protecting her and the only way to get rid of the belt and get to her thing is to show her the bling! She is not going to put out just because she’s drunk. Who do you think she is—a blond Caucasian chick?! It’s not worth it.

Now, I find it odd that the most dangerous part of dating a KA woman is never, ever addressed. Maybe it’s some secret we Koreans are not suppose to divulge, but I’m going to do it anyway. If you are dating a hot KA chick, I guarantee she is going to have a jealous ex-boyfriend who is a Kkhangpae, a Korean gangster or wannabe gangster, stalking her. In other words, he will be tailing you two on your date. But he should be easy to spot. He’ll be the handsome Korean guy who looks like a cross between a runway model and a street thug dressed in black:

lee_galAt some point, he will come up to you (probably drunk) and challenge you to a fight. Not to worry, Korean gangsters rarely carry guns. Their weapons of choice are usually knives, baseball bats, wooden boards and hammers. Still, they can be scary, but my advice to you is to do nothing. Do not engage him. Why? Because your date will take care of this problem.

Which brings us to the final thing you need to know about KA women—they are fucking crazy and ill tempered! She can handle her ex-gangster boyfriend stalker on her own without you coming to the rescue. This is how the exchange will probably go (the dialogue spoken in Konglish of course):

Your date: Oppa, I told you I don’t want to see you ever again!

Gangster boy: But I love you! I’m gonna win you back, Susan Helen Grace!

Your date: Oppa, leave me alone!!!!

Before gangster boy can say anything else, your date has picked up a bottle chair table and smashed it against gangster boy’s head—knocking him out cold.

End of threat.

Now, if you survive all this and you escort your date home, keep in mind that you will NOT get lucky on the first date so don’t even try. Until you’ve handed over an appropriate amount of bling over a set period of time to remove that invisible chastity belt (it can take weeks or years—be patient—remember, you’re climbing Mt. Everest), you will not get anything more than a peck on the cheek and a handshake. Hey, but it’s worth it, isn’t it? After all, you are dating one of the most beautiful women in the world. Good luck! And hope this advice helps. Hwighting!