My dear friend Travis invited me to his home for dinner the other night (excellent homemade turkey tacos by the way, with hand fried shells), and there I got to visit with his daughter Maggie, 13, who I’ve known since birth. I am her godfather, and I have been tight with Travis since seventh grade.
Since seventh grade. In other words, his daughter is now older than Travis and I were when we met. If the word “scary” didn’t just pop into your head, you’re still in your twenties.
Maggie just applied to four private high schools – and was accepted by all of them. All of them. She’s getting straight A’s and plays on a competitive volleyball team that travels throughout the western states.
My 14 year old son Rafael is very bright, too – quick witted, fast talking, able to grasp abstract material easily, and he can kick my ass at chess (long gone are the days when I would throw games to help him build his confidence).
His grades range from B to C-.
He’s also on the JV football team, which requires five days a week of intensive practice, even in the off season. Sometimes he volunteers with me at a local soup kitchen – with only minimal protest. I’m very proud of him.
But because of his (to my mind) crap grades, I have taken away his video and phone game privileges until they improve.
Some back story about me: I got straight A’s through high school and college. Because of my grades I was awarded scholarships to Berkeley and won a Fulbright grant to study abroad a year on the government’s dime.
I say this not to brag, but to explain my approach toward my children’s grades. Yes, on paper, I was on track to becoming an academic. I shook the eight ball and it always said, “what the hell are you thinking Alfredo? Get your Ph.D. yesterday.”
But I jumped track.
One night in my mid-twenties, I had a powerful dream telling me to write screenplays. So that’s what I did. And to this day, I am passionate about it. Absolutely passionate.
I liked school, and was very good at it, but I can’t say I was passionate. I was more of a diligent grind who needed pats on the back a little too much. I now have two degrees in Architecture and German. And what did I do with those diplomas? Wrote screenplays and opened bars.
Did I enjoy succeeding at school? Yes. But it was fleeting – as soon as I got one accolade, I was laser focused on the next. You could call it ambition. You could also call it a needy ego combined with a masochistic inability to savor the moment.
Which all brings me back around to my son Rafael’s grades. My life experience has not convinced me that success in school will bring you happiness. And that is what I want more than anything for my sons, whether they become animators at Pixar or mechanics in Bakersfield.
As long as they are at peace with themselves, enthused about their work, and have some moments of joy which they are actually sensible enough to savor, I’ll be happy.
So while I am disappointed by Rafael’s grades, I haven’t come down on him nearly as hard as I would’ve if I was still my 22 year old grinding self. Good grades aren’t the end-all be-all anymore. I think of the unexpected detours my life has taken, and I’m glad I took them.
I’m definitely not a tiger dad, but I’d also like to think I’m not exactly a bunny, either. How about a hippo? Sorta gentle until provoked, and even then, more irritable and annoyed than fearsome?
Here’s how I explained it to Rafael:
“You’re bright and you know it. You have the tools to get all A’s and B’s if you wanted to. Just know this: by not getting better grades – and really, you could get straight A’s if you tried just a little bit – you’re closing some doors. I know you said you want to go to Berkeley, but, like we saw on-line, the average incoming GPA of freshman is 4.3. The average. Now you don’t have to go to Berkeley to be happy, but just realize that what you’re doing now may close that door, and others, when you’re deciding what you want to do with your life four years from now. You have to decide whether you want to invest a little more effort now to keep those doors unlocked, or whether you’re willing to live with a few less opportunities later.”
I left it at that. And, of course, at the suspended video games.
I will encourage anyone to strive for the best grades they can get because like you said, they open doors of opportunities. However, what I will not do –which was done to me so that like you, I have a degree (architecture) that I am not going to use until I start investing in real estate–is encourage the person to focus solely on one door because that is door everyone and their grandfather is trying to get in through.
So I do think you are doing fine as a father. It is one thing for your kid to not have the aptitude and another for him not to want to apply himself. But one also has to realise that even if ones child can add up the grocery bill quickly and accurately in his head, does not mean he is destined for quantum physics….he is simply good at decimal additions…
This is soooo appropriate right now because I am going through the exact thing with my 8th — soon to be 9th grader — if he pulls his grades up and gets his missing work done. He is brilliant. Has never scored less than a 95% on a standardized test. He doesn’t do the work and gets 96%+ on a test. He is me when I was young. I am trying to convince him he needs to do what is expected to get the grades so he can do what he wants in his life — whatever that ends up being. His older sister does her work and has a 3.8 (unweighted gpa). She has chosen the private school she wants to go to for nursing and is working on her goal.
We all want our kids to do better than we did AND be happy with their lives. We want them to have choices and successful. It’s tough and I am not very strict either.
This is awesome. I am going to show it to my nephew so he can finally understand why I nag him. He is a bright teenager, but he thinks getting good grades is “for nerds” and he isn’t going to be a “nerd.” To get somewhere in life, you have to put effort. That’s all I ask from him… honest effort.
Great up untill the last sentence
If he is motivated at least a little bit, he can do it. If he isn’t, he won’t try – so there’s no point in suspending video games, unless he would be really badly addicted to them..))
[...] HOW IMPORTANT ARE GRADES?: [...]
I’m going to save all your blog posts and follow them to the letter when I have kids.
[...] Real quick one. Just to refer you to this link: http://youoffendmeyouoffendmyfamily.com/how-important-are-grades/ [...]
@catwalq
@monica
@chicaladygirl
@ann
@ike
Your comments are worth more to me than the accolades and grades all rolled together. When I’m on my death bed, how I did as a parent will be a helluva lot more important to me than how I did in Arch 101. Parenting is a lot like fumbling for a light switch in the dark – you more or less have some idea what you’re looking for and know where it is – but there’s no guarantee you’ll find, and, even with the best of intentions, you may push it the wrong way. Thx for the support.