When you’re a young woman growing up in the 80′s, there may have been real women I could and should have looked up to: Margaret Thatcher, Sandra Day O’Connor, Sally Ride, Geraldine Ferraro, heck Sigourney Weaver for goodness sake!  These were women making strides, making waves, changing the world!  But no, I was a kid, so my female heroes were all ANIMATED.

Now, here’s where I say boys have it easier.  You’ve all got GREAT fictional heroes!  Even if the cartoons were sh*t, you still had a legacy of Tom Sawyers, Huckleberry Finns, Ahabs, Robinson Crusoes, Lemuel Gullivers, and Peter Pans!  Boys who go on fantastic journeys!  By 1985, I had devoured all the Laura Ingalls Wilder books I could get, plus a “Wicked, Wicked Pigeon Ladies in the Garden” here and there, and once in a while, there was a “Caddie Woodlawn” type book; but for the most part, girl fiction focused on how to get a man.  (Think Disney films.)  So to honor that plucky 1980′s spirit of “I’m Independent, I’m Strong, I’m Incredibly GIRLY!”, let’s see the female animated icons that stunted my growth but still fascinate me to this very day.

1. Gem of “Gem and The Holograms”

What’s sad about this series is that it has absolutely no real plot.  She’s beautiful, she’s the head of a girl group, and she’s got a secret identity she has to keep secret from her purple haired boytoy with whom she is in animated lip lock for about 40% of the time.  Sometimes there’s a rival girl band with mean faces, but Gem could care less.  She’s making out.  Unfortunately, this is what I had hoped to become in high school.  Notwithstanding the fact that purple haired men were few.

2. She-Ra

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quzY7ONePM4

What pisses me off about She-Ra was that she’s a spin-off.  It’s almost as insulting as the whole Eve was made from Adam’s rib.  (Check your Genesis.)  Or worse, She-Ra is the ‘Kid Sister’ to He-Man’s ‘My Buddy’?  Why does the guy always have to come first?  Why does He-Man get to ride a mighty Tiger, and She-Ra has to ride a horse with RAINBOW wings?  Why does He-Man fight an awesome competitor like Skeletor, while She-Ra basically fights a woman in a cat suit?  Why does He-Man get the Sword of Power and She-Ra gets the Sword of Protection?  Why does she have to protect and he just gets to be powerful?  And why does she have an annoying British accent???

3. Cheetara from Thundercats

Meow.

Yeah she’s hot.  Yeah she’s bad ass.  But in the series, she barely talks!  She’s like furniture on the stage.  She stands there in the background until someone bumps into her.  Her awesomeness is relegated to being an attractive coat rack.

4. Strawberry Shortcake

She lives in a fr*ckin cake.  She owns a cat.  She grows strawberries.  Her friends are named after fruit.  She lives the most benign lifestyle, never has any desire to make an impact outside of Strawberry Land: she is already halfway there to becoming the crazy cat lady who smells like cat urine all day.

5. Lisa Hayes of Robotech

More uncomfortable sexual tension that won't be released for 5 years.

When I was younger, I wanted to be in the military.  Was it because of Top Gun?  No, although the love scene between Kelly McGillis and Tom Cruise did stir up some uncomfortable feelings in my pubescent self at the time.  (Why is Tom Cruise licking her?  And why does that make me feel funny… like I have to pee but I don’t have to pee?)  No, I wanted to be in the military because I wanted to be: LISA HAYES from ROBOTECH.

Lisa was awesome.  She was an executive officer in the United Earth Defenses and had the respect of her peers.  She was also fr*ckin frigid.  Did she get the guy (Rick Hunter)?  Eventually yes.  But only after 5 years of being alone and painfully watching him in another relationship with the hot and beautiful Lynn Minmei.  I love Lisa, trust me, but boy, was she the flagship of unrequited love or what?!

6. Smurfette of the Smurfs

"What does this hat remind you of?"

One word: TEASE.  Don’t believe me?  Ask Hefty.