By now, everybody must have heard of the gigantic Pacific Garbage Patch—millions of square miles of crap, which consists mostly of tiny pieces of plastic debris, floating in a toxic oceanic vortex. And now, I find out that there’s another garbage patch forming in a gyre in the Atlantic Ocean as well. Apparently, there are 5 gyres in our ocean systems and soon we’ll be over-run with islands of debris that break down into nasty chemicals like bisphenal A, PCBs and derivatives of polystyrene, which are all making its way into our food supply. AAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!

So I have been thinking of ways to solve this problem, otherwise I won’t be able to get my sushi fix without thinking I’m playing Russian roulette, and I have come to realize that the great creative minds of Hollywood have already come up with some solutions to our woes:

For instance, we all know that plastic bottles are a major culprit in oceanic waste. Why can’t we use those Hollywood prop bottles made out of sugar instead? Then, we can drink our water, Gatorade or what have you and knock each other over the head with them afterwards. How much fun would that be? Innovative minds have already come up with biodegradable plates, bowls, napkins & utensils made with a sugar cane base as well. We can have our picnic lunches and then eat the plates and utensils too! Yum!

Automobiles are a major nuisance to the environment. Not only do they cause smog and use oil which can spill in the ocean, there’s also the resulting pollution of radiator leaks, abandoned car parts and tires, etc. Hollywood has already invented teleportation as an alternative method of commuting.  Of course, there may be some setbacks, as per “The Fly”. But this could make for some fun theme days at work. On “Teleport With Your Favorite Insect Day,” people could come with spider arms, ant heads, centipede bodies, etc. Yeah, that would actually make it fun to go to work!

Virtual Reality has been a subject of movies such as “Lawnmower Man” and more recently, “Avatar“.  This offers another alternative to commuting.  We’ll have virtual meetings, virtual workspaces and then, when our co-workers go virtually postal, the virtual custodians will have a much easier time cleaning up the virtual aftermath.

In the film “2012,” the Chinese have the technology to build those gigantic cruise ships, so surely they can come up with gigantic vacuum cleaners to suck the garbage out of the ocean. But Hell, if the World is coming to and end in 2012, why am I worrying about this anyway?

Do you have any solutions for our garbage patch problem? Please share.

(Check out Project Kaisei: a non-profit organization based mainly in Hong Kong and San Francisco seeking a global collaborative solution to the Plastic Vortex.)