If I had my way, I’d live in a movie theater. I’d sleep in the plush chairs; freshen up in the bathroom; and subsist on Raisinets alone. These would all be small sacrifices made in the name of being able to watch all the new movies I want in the most sacred of environments, anytime I want for free.

Unfortunately, my local theater doesn’t look too kindly on vagrants and that isn’t exactly the kind of lifestyle I want to pursue anyway. My only alternative is to try and make my home viewing experience be as close to the theatrical one as possible.

This is all tits and mayo when I’m by myself, but whenever people are around, my devotion to detail gets in the way of maintaining those relationships.

Before we get into the meat of things, let’s start off with specs:

At my apartment, I’ve got a 40″ television and a 7.1 surround sound system. That’s all topped off with a PS3.

Most non-obsessed people I know who set up a home theater system aren’t very meticulous about how and where they mount speakers. They eyeball distances and are satisfied when it just sounds ‘loud.’

When I went about installing mine, I measured very precise distances – twice over to boot – and made sure they were all adjusted for the sweet spot of the room and the height of the chair I’d be sitting in. I used all of those calibration Blu-Rays to make sure the sound was sounding as it should sound, the lowest lows and highest highs.

So whenever I’m showing someone a movie at my place, it’s difficult to suppress the desire to point all the nuances of the sound design that you can discern only thanks to such a great system. When I fail to do this, those people usually find my commentary a bit distracting.

Something no one ever complains about however is my fixation on keeping all other light out when watching something on the telly. I don’t have blinds in that room; I have a thick sheet (not a curtain) that I pull down over the window to block out all light from outside. It makes the room super creepy to anyone observing from the outside, but it’s just another thing that brings my home a little closer to the multiplex.

Now that I think about it though, I encounter problems with my habits even when I’m by myself.

The worst of these comes with my enforcement of theater etiquette. Ask just about anyone what they like most about watching movies at home and most will talk about how you can pause the movie whenever and come back whenever at the exact frame you left off on.

What’s important to me however is whether or not you can do that in a theater and that answer, very simply, is ‘No.’ You connect the dots.

Even alone, either I hold it in when I need to pee or I let the movie run even while I’m in the bathroom. I don’t think I need to mention that I can’t rewind either.

All of these actions help transform any at-home cinematic experience into something close to the theater feel, but I’m not so sure it’s worth all my time. After all, I can’t cuddle up to an experience at night, can I? A very theatrical home theater experience isn’t going to keep me warm.

But shit – Crazy Stupid Love looks sweet on my 40-inch!