You’re watching some random movie in your Netflix queue when you discover that one of the main actors/actresses is super bangin’. Most people just get aroused and let it be.

I’m not most people. As a film fanatic and professional pervert, I promptly head to my computer to look the movie up on IMDb.

There, I can find the character name, then the person who played them before proceeding to Google their name for any naked pictures of them. Then, well, I go to my happy place. It has lot of rainbows — OF SEMEN. I should probably get that checked.

Mr. Skin – first made famous by Knocked Up – is usually a good way to check if someone’s been naked at all, period. It’s kind of like an online almanac of nudity. I think the site might be restricted to actresses only, but I wouldn’t know because I never go to filthy, filthy websites like that. Now where did I put that bookmark for that pee website…

I probably possess an encyclopaedic knowledge of which actress is naked at what point in which movies. This is a terrible thing to admit – something I only admit on fourth dates and only after I’ve staked my claim in Newvaginlan – but I’m willing to admit it now, here on the Internet, for a quick laugh.

Let’s laugh now before I regret it forever. Too late.

But in all seriousness, for the main characters in movies, how hard is this process? Not as hard as my penis that’s for sure. Basic leg (and hand!) work. Finding the character name is hardly a trial nor a tribulation and the rest is chicken feed.

So when Emily Blunt walks onscreen in The Devil Wears Prada or Amy Adams starts singing with animated animals in Enchanted, their naked pictures really are just a hop and a skip (and a stroke!) away.

Life, however, is not without a sense of humor.

Sometimes, you’re watching, say, Scream 2 and one of the reaction shots with the extras has some really hot girl. Now that’s a pair of boobies that’s gonna be difficult to find.

I’ve already touched on how challenging it is to find a random extra from a movie. It’s a Herculean Task. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack when you don’t even know the name of the god damn needle. It’s like you don’t even know what a needle is!

Yet you do it anyway. I do it anyway. Because sometimes you just find a face that is so fetching, you can’t help but to know more. Maybe they have nudie pictures up. Or maybe not.

Maybe they have a public Facebook and you can send them a message. Maybe you can find their phone number on some public directory and leave them covers of The Cure on their voicemail. Maybe you can trace a home address to that number and you can leave them wood carvings of cute animals in the mailbox.

You just gotta do your best in this world, with your life, and make lemonade out of lemons. And avoid as many restraining orders as possible.

I can’t be the only person who does this. Please don’t let me be the only person who does this.