If you want to get the full experience with this blog, make sure to play the video clip above as you read to set the proper mood. Oh yeah!
1. MICHELLE WIE
Normally, I don’t like my women too young. I’ve never gotten the underage, Lolita fetish. But there is one woman who is a big exception to this rule and that’s golfer Michelle Wie. OK, Michelle isn’t technically underage, but at 20-years-old, she still can’t walk into a bar and legally order a drink which is a no-no in my book. So what is it about Michelle that does it for me then? Aside from the fact that I think she’s smoking hot, especially in her little golf skirts, what makes her super attractive is that she gives off a regal, womanly quality that makes her seem more mature than her age and she’s one of the best at what she does as her recent “comeback” shows. I know nothing about golf and think it’s the most boring sport in the history of sports, but she can putt my balls anytime. Does that metaphor even make sense? Who cares? She’s hot! Schwing!
2. MICHELLE MALKIN
I’ve previously blogged about my lust for this ultra-conservative pundit. Yup, the woman stands for everything I’m against and infuriates me to no end. But you know how they say that opposites attract? I have to say there’s something really hot about the idea of getting it on with someone you hate and disagree with about everything. Let me amend the Michelle Malkin fantasy from my previous entry. In this new scenario, we’re visiting Manzanar (Malkin wrote a book arguing that the internment of Japanese Americans in WWII was justified) and get into a heated, passionate argument that, of course, leads to wild and uninhibited sex in one of the old barracks where I’ll make sure she gets properly processed and interned, baby! Hmm…maybe that metaphor doesn’t make sense either, but again, who cares?!
3. “MRS. LEE”
I know I’m not the only one who had a real-life Mrs. Robinson growing up–that one friend of your parents who sent you into premature puberty. For me, it was a Korean ajuma named Mrs. Lee. I didn’t think of her as anything but a friend of my folks at first, but when I reached a certain age, I found myself thinking about her and feeling strange sensations down below. Then, one summer when I was at some kid’s birthday party, there she was—in shorts and a tank-top. Holy shit! If that wasn’t enough to make my groin explode, she bent over to serve some cole slaw and I even caught a glimpse of side boob.
Needless to say, I went back for many servings of cole slaw and side boobage that day.
4. SARAH PALIN
My thing for the former VP nominee is similar to my thing for Malkin so I won’t bore you again with how it’d be totally hot to do it with a conservative Republican chick you totally hate. But the recent revelation that Palin might have left Hawaii because Asians scare her, intrigues me even more. Sarah, what better way to conquer your fears than to confront them? And what better way to confront your fears then to have buck-naked, nasty sex with them? As someone who is proud to be Asian American, I’ll volunteer to take one for the team. So call, tweet, facebook or text me, Sarah. Maverick to maverick, I’m ready to help you in the name of Asian Americans everywhere.
5. BETTY RUBBLE
I know she’s a cartoon character, but so what? Despite the fact that she’s with a loser like Barney and the totally miscast Rosie O’Donnell (a.k.a. Miss Anti-Boner) played her in the live-action Flintstones movie (further proof that Hollywood is out of touch), I’d still pick her over any other cartoon character to have sex with. Bam Bam, indeed!