As regular readers of my blogs know, I’m all about trying to help my Asian American brothas score with the ladies of the Caucasian persuasion (see here and here for past examples). Perhaps there’s a hot white chick who has already caught your eye and you’re thinking of inviting her over to your bachelor pad for a romantic evening including a DVD you can watch together to get her in the right mood. My fellow Offender Roger has previously blogged about some films that might be appropriate for this occasion, but following is my list of the five movies you must never watch with your white chick if you want to score with her.

MULAN (1998)

Disney’s animated version of the Chinese folk tale about a maiden who becomes one of China’s greatest warrior-heroes is an acclaimed film featuring positive Asian characters that’s sure to tug at your white woman’s heart strings. So then why should you avoid it? Because the plot is about a Chinese woman who successfully pretends to be a man so she can fight in battle. Asian men are emasculated enough as it is in our culture, you don’t want to give your white chick any more fuel to add to that fire. When she’s wondering what’s inside your pants, you don’t want her first thought to be…a vagina.

OLD BOY (2003)

Korean director Park Chan-Wook’s masterpiece of vengeance stars Min-Sik Choi as a man determined to exact revenge on whoever was responsible for his 15 year imprisonment. Choi is a bad ass and definitely makes Asian guys look cool so what’s the problem here? SPOILER ALERT: The woman that Choi hooks up with turns out to be…his daughter. Probably the only thing that will disturb your white woman more than the “is my man really a girl” question (see above) is “is my man into fucking his own daughter/mother/sister/other assorted relatives?” 

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S (1961)

Do I even need to explain this choice? Just look at the photo of Mickey Rooney in “yellow face” above. Which is a shame because this is the perfect romantic movie—featuring the elegant Audrey Hepburn, “Moon River,” New York never looking lovelier—that’s guaranteed to get you laid. Well, unless you’re an Asian guy—in which case, this film is the equivalent of taking a hammer and repeatedly pounding on your erection with it until your penis is as numb as you’ll be watching scenes like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrO87ItXoNg&feature=related

BETTER LUCK TOMORROW (2002) & FINISHING THE GAME (2007)

Yes, I know both these films were directed by my fellow Offender Justin and features many of our YOMYOMF family members both in front of and behind the camera, but believe me when I say you want to keep your white woman as far away from them as possible. First, Better Luck Tomorrow is about a bunch of seemingly normal, high-achieving Asian American guys who are secretly into some seriously bad shit like theft and even murder. You don’t want your white woman thinking you’re going to pull a “John Cho” on her. As for Finishing The Game, all I can say is take a look at this:

There’s no way you’re going to be able to compete with a shirtless and oiled Roger Fan. Any white chick sees that and the bar for what the rest of us mere mortal Asian American guys has to measure up to has been raised to an insurmountable height. Don’t even risk it!