I recently blogged about the films my Asian American brothas should never watch with a white woman they want to mack. Well, I’m all about the equal opportunity and I know there are some Asian American sistas reading this who also have a craving for the white meat. So if that’s you, here are five flicks you should never watch with your white dude if you want to keep him from bolting out your door.

RINGU (1998)

The one that started it all–this is the original Japanese horror film about a girl who seeks vengeance from beyond the grave via a cursed videotape. This is a chick who gets conked in the head and thrown down a deep well–after which the well is tightly sealed. Yet, she still manages to somehow climb out of your TV to fuck you up good. There are people who already think Asian chicks especially Koreans are crazy (not me of course), so do you really want your white man to worry that you’re going to track him down and fuck him up good if he does anything to slight or upset you? Do you want him to think this will happen to him (and yes, that is Hiroyuki Sanada from Lost):

THE JOY LUCK CLUB (1993)

The film version of Amy Tan’s best-selling novel presents Asian (American) women as complex, three-dimensional characters and even makes Asian guys look like pricks dicks assholes jerks so shouldn’t this be the perfect movie to share with your white man? Not really…unless you want your white man thinking you’ll have an emotional breakdown every five minutes because of your deep-rooted mother issues or you can’t play the piano that well or you have long-lost sisters somewhere in Asia you’ve never met or simply because you’re an Asian American woman and that’s clearly the most fucking tragic thing you can be. Your white man will think you have more baggage than JFK Airport.

DAUGHTER OF THE DRAGON (1931)

Screen legend Anna May Wong plays a celebrated Chinese dancer who moves freely through the “white” world and even falls for a white guy named Ronald. That is until she discovers she is the daughter of the infamous and diabolical Fu Manchu who has sworn vengeance against Ronald, his family and all the other white folk who have wronged him. When Fu dies, Wong decides she has nothing better to do than to carry out her late father’s agenda and vows to kill her beloved Ronald. If you do watch this, don’t be surprised if your white man starts to sweat and shake every time you pick up a knife in the kitchen and start bitching about the annoying white guy who cut you off on the freeway.

M. BUTTERFLY (1993)

Based on the Tony-Award winning play by David Henry Hwang, M. Butterfly tells the true story of a French diplomat who falls for a female Chinese opera singer…except the singer is really a man as well as a spy who uses the diplomat to obtain information. The reason this is a bad choice is similar to the reason I previously gave about why Asian guys should not watch Mulan with their white chicks. Do you truly want your white man to think you might really be a dude and also have a hidden agenda to boot? However, if you decide not to heed my warning and do watch this with your white guy, you should tell him afterwards that you never get naked below the waist and you’re only into anal and oral sex (receiving and giving, respectively). If that doesn’t scare him off, it’s proof that he truly loves you no matter what. Uh…well, either that or he’s in the closet or some sort of super freak.

THE MACHINE GIRL (2008)

Ringu and Daughter of the Dragon may be about vengeful Asian chicks too, but the women in those flicks are like Disney characters compared to the girl at the center of this Japanese import. My #1 super-hot future ex-wife Minase Yashiro plays an innocent schoolgirl (yup, complete with the sexy uniform) whose brother is killed by gangsters. And oh yeah, the bad guys also chop off her hand. So she does what any of us would do in her position…she attaches a prosthetic machine gun to her arm and kills everyone who gets in her way. A hot chick in a school uniform with a machine gun for a hand? Damn, sign me up, but definitely keep this flick away from your white man if you don’t want to scare him off. Here’s the trailer (be warned it’s bloody):

And here’s another photo of star Minase Yashiro because…well, do I really need to explain why? Just look at her: