In response to fellow offender, Phil’s post ‘Five Women I Think Are Hot That I Feel Guilty About’, I’ve created the following companion piece sans mood music.

1. Toshiro Mifune:  I love Toshiro Mifune but it’s an illicit crush – my Shanghainese relatives who lived under Japanese occupation would probably roll in their graves if they knew.  He was the original antihero who inspired legions of imitators, and exuded an inimitable sense of cool and sartorial elegance in his personal style and nuanced performances.  I love wushu and was always dazzled by Jet Li’s acrobatic artistry, but there’s nothing more breathtaking than seeing Toshiro in samurai-mode whip out his sword and take care of business in just a few efficient strokes (unintentional pun, but there you go).  To take you back to this moment where Toshiro and blade become one, check out the flash animation on his fan website.

2. Woody Allen:  If only there was a time machine to bring me back to that moment when he was still that spry, endearing comic… Pre-80s Woody – smart, funny, self-deprecating, hopelessly obsessed with beautiful and neurotic women.  What’s not to love?  Beyond his brilliant stand-up acts, movies (circa 70s and early 80s of course) and wry observations, his short story, “The Whore of Mensa” was what got me at hello.  It’s about a private investigator who discovers that his client has been blackmailed by a madame who sends him intellectuals to satisfy his craving.  Not only does he manage to make this premise oddly plausible and bitingly satirical, but he also turns Noam Chomsky into a pick up line.  That stunt in my book is what allows Woody to transcend nebbishness and become the epitome of “nacho” (my new word for the rare hybrid of nerdy, neurotic, and macho).

3.  Ronan Farrow:  Okay, now I’m the pot calling the kettle black.  I don’t intend to invoke comparisons to ‘Soon-YiGate’ by ogling Mia Farrow and Woody Allen’s 21-year old, biological son Ronan.  But, how can you resist when he’s a preternatural uber genius who inherited his mom’s passion for human rights activism and possesses looks that could pass for Jason Bourne 2.0 if Matt Damon ever went into retirement?  Beyond attending Yale Law School (which he was accepted to at the tender age of 16), he worked as Special Assistant to Richard Holbrooke and for UNICEF.  Currently, he’s a freelance journalist and serves as the State Department’s Special Advisor on Humanitarian and NGO Affairs, focusing on Afghanistan and Pakistan.

4.  Jose Canseco:  When I was growing up in Oakland, I was an A’s fan of course and was mesmerized by their dominance in the early 90s especially at the famous 1989 World Series ‘Battle of the Bay’ .  Little did I realize that my innocent crush on the biggest, baddest, Bash Brother of them all, had steroids coursing through those Hulk-like biceps.  Fortunately that revelation happened well after my first two traumatic childhood discoveries – one, that Santa Claus was not real and two, that I did not arrive into this world via a stork.

5. Roger Fan:  Roger, I’ve known you since those college years when you were that mysterious Asian guy holding court amongst the ladies around campus.  I kept wondering who’s that guy who looks like he walked off the pages of GQ, possesses the cool of James Dean and the entrepreneurial chutzpah of Tom Vu?  But then Hollywood came beckoning and I knew that I’d never be able to penetrate the dense mob of rabid female fans swarming you 24/7.  And though I never had any concrete proof, I also always had this nagging suspicion that we were probably related and would end up facing the same disturbing fate as Luke and Lea.  I guess, I will always remain tortured over what could have been…