Priligy, the new premature ejaculation pill, was released earlier this month in Singapore and has completely sold out. Perhaps not surprising when you consider that premature ejaculation has become the most common male sex health problem globally and one in three men in Singapore is said to suffer from it.
Now, I just have one thing to say on this subject: Why do people automatically think premature ejaculation is a bad thing?
‘Cause ladies, if you’re with a man and he shoots his load prematurely, it means that you are so incredibly sexy and beautiful that he just can’t help but explode. How is that bad? You should feel flattered that he jizzes faster than Carl Lewis ran the 100m. So what if it means you’ll be left “unsatisfied?” Let’s be honest, even if your man goes the distance, it’s highly unlikely you’ll be satisfied anyway. You’re just going to pull out that Hello Kitty vibrator from under your bed the moment he goes to the bathroom or falls asleep and finish “properly.”
Of course, I’ve never prematurely ejaculated myself so I’m not speaking from experience. And if any woman writes a comment here saying otherwise, it means she’s a lying whore and you should just ignore her and/or write comments discrediting her. ‘Cause when I’m with a lady, I can go for minutes hours days or even longer. In fact, the last woman I was with read all of War and Peace, watched the 5 ½ hour director’s cut of Bertolucci’s 1900 and took several long naps while I made sweet love to her. She even repeatedly asked, “Are you done yet?” and “Can we finish this another time?” So I got that going for me.
But the true tragedy in all of this is that our children, a.k.a. the future according to Whitney Houston, will grow up thinking premature ejaculation is a bad thing. Well, I’m here to say that’s not happening on my watch. So toward this goal, I am making a commitment to teaching kids the truth about premature ejaculation. I figure a good way to do this is to publish a children’s book, tentatively entitled Everyone Prematurely Ejaculates, to demystify this topic, the way other children’s authors have already done for subjects like shitting:
And even the great lion a.k.a. the King of the Jungle:
Kids will finally understand that for men, premature ejaculation is a perfectly normal, wonderful and healthy expression of our love! Similar to forgetting to buy flowers for our special lady on Valentine’s Day because we were too busy thinking about how beautiful she was and lost track of time or not calling her after “cuddling” naked in the janitor’s closet during a drunken office party because the moment was so special that we don’t want to mess with perfection.
I hope all our readers will purchase my book for their children once I get off my ass and write it. But for now, excuse me. There’s a sexy lady coming over and I need to run out and buy a copy of Moby Dick and the full 10 hour DVD of Kielowski’s Decalogue.
(Thanks to Offender David for his art/photoshop skills)