Ever have Butterfish?
Well, if you’re a sushi connoisseur, you most likely have. It’s a firm whitefish that is succulent and incredibly rich in flavor. To eat one, properly sushi-prepared, is a guaranteed, oral orgasm. Well, at least it was for me the first time I had it – lightly seared with a dollop of apricot puree on top. You never forget your first time. I had three servings in less than 30 minutes. And I joyfully swallowed each and every creamy bite. Yum…
Never heard of Butterfish? Perhaps you may know it by it’s other aliases like “white tuna” or “super-white tuna” or “walu” or…“Escolar.“
Escolar? Yes, Escolar. That’s the fish’s real name before it went to culinary finishing school. Sounds kind of like Pablo Escobar, no? And just like the Columbian drug lord, we too should fear and respect this snake mackerel fish. For if you underestimate Escolar or Escobar, the final result is always predictably the same – bad shit happens.
Never judge a fish by it’s scaly cover. Yes, the Escolar is a rather handsome creature, much resembling a darker, more svelte tuna. But let me assure you, this fish is not a friendly chicken of the sea. Dance a few sets with madame Escolar and you’ll quickly find yourself painfully pushing oily-orange #3′s into the porcelain bowl for a very, very rong time.
How does something so pretty deal such a sour blow to the bowels? Answer? Wax esters. You see, the pretty little Escolar eats stuff that contain high concentrations of wax esters. And since wax esters are very hard to digest, this fatty acid, long-chained alcohol tends to build up inside the flesh of the fish. So what this nasty, pretty fish cannot digest, it passes on to you…so that you can pass it on, out of you, in a rather “pissing out your butthole” fashion. Delightful…
I’m sure wax ester, in it’s purest form, means to deal no harm to the anus of man or man himself. But unfortunately for humans, the wax ester has a “laxative-like effect.” Basically, if you eat just a little bit too much of this fish, you best prepare yourself for the watery shits of the Seven Seas. How do I know? Because I have tango’d with the Butterfish and have survived it’s anal-vomiting effect (barely). And trust me, blowing escolar out of the booty-hole is not a pleasant experience.
So let this be a warning to you all. The next time you’re sitting at a sushi bar or about to eat raw fish off the body of a naked woman, remember this – BEWARE THE ESCOLAR. It may be sex in the mouth upon taste. But too much of a good thing is not always a good thing. Especially when it comes to our shifty fishy friend, the Escolar, and it’s supernatural ability to turn your bung hole into an uncontrollable, anal WMD.
Long live the Escolar – may you never encounter it’s charismatic, gastrointestinal wrath.
(Don’t like fish? There’s always dog…)