Ever have Butterfish?
Well, if you’re a sushi connoisseur, you most likely have. It’s a firm whitefish that is succulent and incredibly rich in flavor. To eat one, properly sushi-prepared, is a guaranteed, oral orgasm. Well, at least it was for me the first time I had it – lightly seared with a dollop of apricot puree on top. You never forget your first time. I had three servings in less than 30 minutes. And I joyfully swallowed each and every creamy bite. Yum…
eat me
Never heard of Butterfish? Perhaps you may know it by it’s other aliases like “white tuna” or “super-white tuna” or “walu” or…“Escolar.“
Shooting out Escolar is far more ferocious than being shot by Escobar
Escolar? Yes, Escolar. That’s the fish’s real name before it went to culinary finishing school. Sounds kind of like Pablo Escobar, no? And just like the Columbian drug lord, we too should fear and respect this snake mackerel fish. For if you underestimate Escolar or Escobar, the final result is always predictably the same – bad shit happens.
Never judge a fish by it’s scaly cover. Yes, the Escolar is a rather handsome creature, much resembling a darker, more svelte tuna. But let me assure you, this fish is not a friendly chicken of the sea. Dance a few sets with madame Escolar and you’ll quickly find yourself painfully pushing oily-orange #3′s into the porcelain bowl for a very, very rong time.
mine came out like this too. just less cool looking...
How does something so pretty deal such a sour blow to the bowels? Answer? Wax esters. You see, the pretty little Escolar eats stuff that contain high concentrations of wax esters. And since wax esters are very hard to digest, this fatty acid, long-chained alcohol tends to build up inside the flesh of the fish. So what this nasty, pretty fish cannot digest, it passes on to you…so that you can pass it on, out of you, in a rather “pissing out your butthole” fashion. Delightful…
I’m sure wax ester, in it’s purest form, means to deal no harm to the anus of man or man himself. But unfortunately for humans, the wax ester has a “laxative-like effect.” Basically, if you eat just a little bit too much of this fish, you best prepare yourself for the watery shits of the Seven Seas. How do I know? Because I have tango’d with the Butterfish and have survived it’s anal-vomiting effect (barely). And trust me, blowing escolar out of the booty-hole is not a pleasant experience.
So let this be a warning to you all. The next time you’re sitting at a sushi bar or about to eat raw fish off the body of a naked woman, remember this – BEWARE THE ESCOLAR. It may be sex in the mouth upon taste. But too much of a good thing is not always a good thing. Especially when it comes to our shifty fishy friend, the Escolar, and it’s supernatural ability to turn your bung hole into an uncontrollable, anal WMD.
Long live the Escolar – may you never encounter it’s charismatic, gastrointestinal wrath.
(Don’t like fish? There’s always dog…)
Oh Roger. Gross.
Dude…..WHERE did you dig up those pics (#3 & #4) & WHAT search terms did you use?? LOL.
Be sure to NOT give mini-Fans any Escolar.
Great piece as always… Let’s see all these in a “Memoirs of the Modern Male House Slave” book.
So yes, I too have fallen prey to the bowelly wiles of the escolar and I can assure you it is no fun. Please note, however, that at least on the west coast USA there are several fish that go by the name “butterfish” and only one of them is high enough in waxy esters to cause issues. You are pretty safe with sablefish, which is called butterfish sometimes. Sable is also called “black cod” (one of many fish that are called “such-and-such cod”, perfectly legally despite not being a gadiform btw), candlefish, coalfish, gindara, etc. There are a few other fish called butterfish as well– fishbase is your friend. If your fishmonger or sushi purveyor doesn’t know at least one other name for the fish you might want to consider eating or shopping elsewhere.
I only mention this because the oilier milder fishes are among my favorites and I would hate for anyone to pass on “butterfish” from fear of gastric distress.
I think the moral of the story is stick to California rolls and edamame.