As you may have guessed, I have a weird fascination with zombies. And while a zombie apocalypse may be my preference for how the world has to end, I’d like to reiterate that I’d rather not have that happen at all, at least not until I’m dead and only my children and my children’s children are the ones that have to deal with it.

Let’s be real though: how likely is that situation anyway? How probable is it that some kind of virus will reanimate the dead, creating an army with no allegiances, no loyalties – only an insatiable hunger for flesh? Not likely!

I mean, hell – if that was at all a possibility, wouldn’t the government, the Red Cross, Center for Disease Control, have some sort of plan for it?


Oh.

Read closely and you’ll find that it’s actually a tongue-in-cheek campaign of sorts to get people to pay more attention to them, a glorified publicity stunt. LIKE I’M GONNA BUY THAT!

Obviously, they’re probably privy to some things that we as the general public are not. I’d like to think one of those things is the existence of some bioweapon that could create zombies out of dead people!

Why the hell else would they go through the trouble of writing all this? This is probably their way to clear their consciences since they can’t outright tell everyone what’s really going on, what really might happen.

“Here you go, folks – this is what you should probably do in the purely hypothetical situation that there’s no more room in hell and the dead walk the earth! But so help you god if you don’t hypothetically follow our hypothetical advice. We did hypothetically warn you. Hypothetically.”

For the record, I have to say that I’m joking because right now I feel like Homer Simpson in that episode where he makes a website that tells everyone that the government is putting a mind control drug into their flu shots and then they go and put him on an island – which was a spoof of The Prisoner – because that was actually the case even though Homer himself didn’t actually believe it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that – please don’t put me on an island, government.