Here at YOMYOMF, we’ve often written about stereotypes concerning Asians and other minorities. Since most of us work in the entertainment industry, we’ve especially been interested in the stereotypes perpetuated by Hollywood. And oftentimes, we’ve debunked them by using sound and irrefutable arguments like the “Because I said so” defense or the “If You Disagree with me, You’re a Racist” methodology.

But while shattering stereotypes of minorities is good and all, I realized I’ve forgotten about the white people. Yes, they may hold a disproportionate amount of power and wealth in America, but that doesn’t mean that Hollywood doesn’t unfairly stereotype them too. So to support my white brothers and sisters, I will examine 5 stereotypes of white people perpetuated by Hollywood and expose them for the lies they are.

1) 80-YEAR-OLD WHITE GRANDMOTHERS LOVE TO RAP AT WEDDING RECEPTIONS

Having grown up without attending any white people weddings, I’m ashamed to admit I completely bought into this stereotype. So when I finally went to the wedding of two white friends, I most looked forward to the reception when I would finally get to witness an elderly grandmother pick up the mike and bust out some “Rapper’s Delight” or “Fuck Tha Police” live.

Sure enough there was a wedding band and even a karaoke portion of the evening when different people would take to the stage and sing. The bride’s father crooned “She’s Gone” and the best man sang “Bye Bye Bye” while the groom and bride themselves took on “Endless Love” but…where were the rapping grannies? Maybe they were just shy and needed some encouragement. So I took it upon myself to approach the nearest 80-year-old lady and put the mike in her hand.

“Come on, rapping granny, time to lay down some rhymes, girl!”

“Wrap? But my grandson already wrapped the gifts.”

“You so funny, beyotch, how about some old school P.E.—Elvis was a hero to most but he didn’t mean shit to me…motherfuck him and John Wayne!”

And long story short, here’s what I learned that day: When an 80-year-old woman suffers a heart attack at a wedding reception in Pasadena from a stressful activity like…oh, being forced to rap against her will, the good news is the paramedics respond really quickly.

2) WHITE PEOPLE FIND TRUE LOVE BY DASHING TO THE AIRPORT AT THE LAST SECOND TO STOP AN EX-LOVER FROM LEAVING

I was always envious of white people relationships ‘cause they seemed to have it so easy when they broke up and one of them (usually the guy) wanted to get the other (the girl) back. All you had to do was wait until she decided to move out of town and on the day of her flight, run after her at the very last minute, profess your love for her at the airport gate just seconds before she boards (or on the plane itself if you want to really stretch out the suspense) and all would be well because she would melt back into your arms to live happily ever after.

Now I–I mean–my friend tried this once. And it was an eye opening experience for me—I mean–my friend. ‘Cause here’s the stone cold truth: If someone not only breaks up with you, but decides they are going to relocate to another city and start a new life thousands of miles away from you, they are not doing it as a ploy to get you back. And if they are, they are fucking crazy and you should stay as far away as possible.

Because of the heightened post-9/11 security, you should also realize that you can’t just run up to the terminal to profess your love anymore. You have to buy a ticket. And do you know how fucking expensive a plane ticket is when you purchase it at the airport just minutes before the flight? If she rejects your sorry ass, not only will you be embarrassed in front of a terminal or plane full of strangers who have camera phones and easy access to You Tube (thank you very much, Virgin Air), but you will be out hundreds if not thousands of dollars. That’s money you could’ve used for something that would’ve been much more productive and therapeutic. Like paying for angry sex with a hooker that looks like your ex.

3) WHEN WHITE PEOPLE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SOMEONE, THEY LIP-SYNCH TO A MOTOWN SONG TOGETHER AND ALL IS WELL

If you’re a white person and you’re forced to spend time with someone you don’t get along with i.e. a new stepmother or annoying co-worker, there’s one thing guaranteed to bring everyone closer together—lip-syncing/singing along to an old Motown song. Just as long as you observe the following rules during your sing-a-long:

You must all be wearing pajamas.

You must use one of the following three items as a microphone: a hairbrush, a bottle of shampoo and/or a hair curler.

At some point, you will all dance to perfectly synchronized choreography although the number is completely spontaneous and unrehearsed.

At the end of the song, you must all fall down onto the bed together and giggle uncontrollably until someone says, “Can you ever forgive me for acting like a jerk?”

Unfortunately, this ritual is also a stereotype and has as much truth to it as its Korean counterpart—drinking a lot of soju, cursing loudly and throwing breakable objects at each other before finally falling into your enemy’s arms and screaming “sa lang hae!” through your drunken tears.

4) WHITE PEOPLE LOVE TO HUG

If you grew up in a traditional Asian family, there was no overt display of emotion and certainly no hugging. If you’re an Asian parent, for example, and want to convey affection to your child, you don’t tell him or her that you love them. No, you say the Asian equivalent of “I love you”…i.e. “You’re stupid” or “You’re fat” or “If you keep dressing like a cheap Western whore, you’ll get raped and pregnant and your life will be over.”

So for our peeps, watching white people TV shows where the family members are hugging each other all the time is like watching a documentary about alien life on Mars. It’s some really bizarre fucking behavior. And it’s not like these white people are only hugging during the times when it’s appropriate to hug (like after surviving an attack by a machete-wielding serial killer who is wearing a mask made from the faces of his victims), they hug constantly and for the thinnest of reasons. Young Bobby studied hard and got a “B” on his test. HUG. Mallory got a paper cut while recycling newspapers. HUG. John learned a valuable lesson about not eating spicy Mexican food and standing next to an open flame. HUG.

Of course, once I met some real life white families, I soon realized that the hugging thing was all bullshit. White people are just the same as everyone else and excessive hugging in a white family means exactly the same thing it means in any other family—time to call the detectives from the SVU.

5) WHITE SISTERS LOVE TO ENGAGE IN INCESTUOUS LESBIAN ACTIVITIES ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE TWINS

If trashy daytime TV talk shows and late night programming on Cinemax are to be believed, there is nothing that two sisters love to do more than to make-out with each other while some guy watches (and eventually joins in). And if those sisters are also twins, it’s all but guaranteed that the incestuous lesbian gene is encoded in their DNA and they’ll get it on with each other every chance they can.

So when I started dating hot blonde Sandy and she told me she had an identical twin sister named Mandy, I knew that my parents’ decision to immigrate to the United States so their children could embrace the American Dream was indeed the correct one. But imagine my shock when not only did Sandy and Mandy “claim” never to have so much as made-out with each other, but also feigned “outrage” that I would even bring up the topic. In fact, they spewed so much hatred and disgust in my direction that it felt like they were taking a baseball bat and whacking me in the groin. Or I guess it’s also possible I felt that way because they later took a baseball bat and whacked me in the groin.

So to all my young Asian brothas about to date their first hot white chick with an equally hot sister, I know what the media has told us, but I’m here to tell you that it’s just not true. The whole sister-on-sister thing is just a demeaning and sexist stereotype with no basis in reality. Unless the sisters are Swedish. ‘Cause them Swede chicks are super-freaks! YOW!