Well, I finally did it. I got myself a sports car. After several decades of pining, lusting, and suffering, I finally mustered up the mojo to satisfy my man itch.
OK, I actually didn’t get a sports car. I put a deposit on one.
And come to think of it, the thing’s not even really a sports car either. It’s more of an SUV meets minivan meets something fast (and furious 6).
What the heck is wrong with me? After spending my entire post-puberty life torturing my soul with the mantra, “one day I will get myself a sports car…one day…”, when I finally decide to pull the trigger, I don’t even opt for a sports car. It’s like going to a strip club for your first time and getting a lap dance from the janitor.
Turns out I like janitors. But it didn’t start out that way. The 25 year evolution of my car fantasy reads something like this – Toyota Supra, Nissan 300Z, BMW M3, Audi S4, BMW M3, Audi R8, Porsche 911, and now, strip club janitor. That’s the evolution of my fantasy. The evolution of my car reality, however, has been much different. It lists as follows – Honda Accord, used Honda motorcycle, Honda Accord, Acura TSX, and Honda Odyssey Minivan. Basically, my entire car reality is Honda. And perhaps not so basically, my entire life reality is Honda too. Honda. Yes, Honda – sensible, practical, and fun in a logical way.
They say a car is an extension of an individual’s personality and world view
and sex drive. It’s just like clothes and pets. You are what you drive or wear or hold at the end of a leash. So after 25 years of fantasizing and painful, delayed gratification, I have come to this very uncomfortable conclusion – I am a sensible, practical, and fun in a logical way kind of guy. I am a Honda. Or perhaps more existentially, I am Honda.
I am not a Porsche. I am not a Ferrari. I am not a BMW M series. I am not a Mercedes AMG. I am, at my core, none of those things. And as such, my Honda blood has and will forever continue to dictate what I choose to do and how I choose do it in every single aspect of my life. Basically, I am just a sensible, practical, and fun in a logical way kind of guy who fantasizes about being un-sensible, impractical, and fun in a completely unrestrained manner.
That is why I have never purchased a sports car. My Honda blood would not allow me to do such an insensible and impractical thing, even though I desired the fun of it for so, so many years. Do I like fun? Of course. But fun AND practical/sensible are not complimentary terms when describing my brain-heated fantasies of shifting the stick of a 911 or M3 through Nürburgring. A sensible, practical sports car just does not exist. Sports cars are fun but they are not sensible nor practical. So I never got one. Until now…
I put a deposit on one.
But it doesn’t really exist just yet. At least not until 2014.
And technically, it’s not even a sports car.
It’s more of a minivan-infused SUV with the acidic blood of a Porsche 911 coursing through it’s veins. Got that?
Yeah, neither did I. And that’s what makes this whole thing so fabulously confusing. It’s a complete category buster. Or perhaps more accurately put, a complete category creator. Why?
This “car” is 100% electric. Yeah, that fact made my little Honda happy.
Meet the TESLA MODEL X. Zero to 60 in 4.4 seconds. Seats 7 comfortably. Made in America. Looks like the combined offspring of an Aston Martin, Maserati, Jaguar, Honda Odyssey sex fest. It’s 100% electric AND has a range of almost 300 miles in between charges. No more gas stations. Just plug the plug into your plug. Plugin’ never felt so good…
It’s the strangest combination of car elements that really should not be. Kind of like a super-smart, super-nice supermodel who just happens to be a sensitive conversationalist, always thinks of you first, and doesn’t have any idea how sexually gorgeous he/she really is (and he/she really wants to
sleep with date you). There are certain things in nature that cannot be, for the law of physics and religion prevent it from being so. One of those things is Sung Kang. The other? The Tesla Model X.
So I have decided, FINALLY, to get a sports car. Finally…
I put a deposit on one. And it’s not even technically a sports car.
Which is a HUGE step for me since I am possessed by the spirit of Honda. Or I was born that way. Either/or, I am Honda. Yet now, I am becoming Tesla.
Somehow, somewhere, someone (Elon Musk) has managed to fuse together fun & practical, sporty & green, and cool & sensible into a supercar-minivan-suv.
Somehow, somewhere, someone (Elon Musk) has managed to create a supercar-minivan-suv that will allow a Honda like me to turn my hot, forbidden fantasies into a reality. Well, at least I’ll be able to do so in 2014.
I’m so pumped. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this satisfactorily pumped. You see, in 2010 I leased my Honda Odyssey Minivan with great reluctance. I never lease. My Chinese-Honda blood would never allow me to do such a financially forbidden thing. I usually buy used or just pay cash (hence my historic cadre of economy cars). But with the impending birth of my 2nd child, I was forced into a relationship with a minivan – a car that satisfied all of my family’s pragmatic needs but gets rather crappy gas milage and is devoid of any sort of excitement or fun. So instead of fully committing to my minivan with a cash seduction, I leased it. I leased in hopes that in a short 36 months, a family car would come into our world that possessed the combined talents of practicality, fun, and electric propulsion. Did it come? You bet ya. Hello Tesla. OK, it didn’t come just yet. But it’s coming. Hopefully. By 2014.
But there is one catch – the Model X is not cheap. This electric contradiction of practical fun is rumored to be priced from around $50k to almost $100k. Ouch. I don’t care how you slice the pie, that’s an expensive car. The most I have ever spent on a ride is $35k – my minivan. Which just happens to also be the nicest, most powerful, best handling car I have ever owned (the sob story continues, I know). Even contemplating buying a car like this pushes me way beyond my monetary comfort zone. How am I going to make this work? Is it even possible?
I think it is. See, I spend about $4,000 a year on gas. And that’s just filling up my minivan once a week at about $80 per tank (with 87 octane – the cheap stuff). So if I decide to get a Model X, I’ll be saving $4k a year on gas. If I keep the car for 3 years, I’ll save $12k. If I keep it for 5 years, $20k. And if I keep it for 7 years (the national average), I’ll save $28k. And that’s calculating at today’s gas prices – prices which will most likely go up ALOT. So coming a full mathematical circle, if I buy a Tesla Model X for $65,000 and keep it for 7 years (which I would), the true cost of the car to me would really be $37,000 – virtually the same price as my current, gas-guzzling minivan that I love so dearly but does not love me back in that macho man kind of way. Makes sense, no?
Anyway, this Honda man who is morphing into a Tesla man is very, very excited. Excited that FINALLY, I have bought myself a sports car.
OK, I put a deposit on one.
And it’s technically not even a sports car.
Now all I have to do is wait until 2014 when my Tesla will be ready to rock and roll.
Until then, I will faithfully love, honor, and drive my minivan. AND start saving up in anticipation for my insanely-practical, practically-insane, crazy-cool, furiously-fast, electrically-charged driving adventures with a super-sexy super Model named X.
Daddy Fan out
Model X – Reservation Number 882