Daddy’s log, zero three, zero one, two zero one two.
My 15 month old sleeps. In the bathroom. It’s the only place I can stick her that enables me to proceed with daily, adult activities without having to tip toe around everywhere. 1,144 square feet of living space makes you do strange things like this. To my credit, I did leave the toilet seat down to minimize foul odor and to prevent the baby from accidentally taking a refreshing drink from the potty. All so strange, I know. But for some reason, the baby seems to sleep best next to a toilet during the daytime hours. Don’t ask me why.
It has been two weeks since my babysitter left us to tend to her mother’s untimely death in the Far East. She phoned us 2 nights ago. The news was tragic – she would not be returning as our babysitter. She had found a new job closer to her home in the Americas. Turned out she lied about her mother’s passing so that she could test drive another job opportunity. She really had me with this whole “mother’s death” thing. Silly me for believing her…
So here I am, staring at my daughter. In the bathroom. Sleeping. Next to the toilet.
Crap.
Double crap.
I need to take a crap.
My two week tour of duty as full time dad, full time actor, and full time Korean woman lover has been extended…indefinitely.
I am faced with a Parental Kobayashi Maru. I have too many balls and too few hands in which to handle them with. I wish my parental kung-fu was more robust. Perhaps with greater parenting chi could I happily survive this scenario like so many other single, working, Jedi parents do. But I am admittedly a padawan dad at best. This could break me before I have time to harden into a Jedi pop. What can I do? Hopefully I will be able to pull a Captain Kirk and find a solution to this no-win situation. My only comfort right now is that my Klingon foe is so cute and adorable and looks so much like a little, feminine version of me. I must redefine the problem in order to find a solution just like Kirk did in Star Trek 2: Electric Boogaloo. But I need inspiration. What must I do? Hmm…
who knew a Kobayashi Maru could be so cute...
I know…I will go to Bed Bath & Beyond right now with baby in tow to buy some pillows. Hopefully by shopping for domestic products with a fist-full of 20% off coupons I will find clarity in this constantly evolving, parental nebula of challenges. Hopefully, I too can be like Kirk and outsmart the un-outsmartable. Hopefully…
Kirk Daddy Fan out…
I will hunt that woman down and…give me her info. JOKE but that is truly craptastic. Much love to you and your family.
Thank you Natalie. Jedi Natalie…
Some babies like the presence of water as it correlates to sound muffling (akin to being inside the womb).
You could achieve this with an ocean CD playing and/or a water fountain and/or fish tank in the baby room/area, so you don’t have to camp out at Camp Commode all the time….
Just looking out for you and your bowels.
Roger, I know you’ll think I’m an a-hole for saying this, but for the first two years of Rosie’s life, Sharon was working and I was a full-time Dad. Even worse, Sharon got cast in a show that was running six days a week, four shows on the weekend, and I was doing my best to my a modern Dad and a supportive husband, but I had serious doubts about my own mental health. I worried about numerous things, including the fact that there were times when all I wanted was for Rosie to go to sleep! But…you know what? Almost 20 years later, I can’t believe how quickly those first two years went and how lucky I was to be there. Relatively few men get to do that, and now, I am so f*cking grateful that I got to. Hang in there, you won’t believe how fast the years fly by.
ps: My dog sleeps by the toilet all the time – I think it’s nice and cool there.
Ken, you are far from an a-hole. If anything, I admire you greatly. Thanks for the perspective and encouragement. It gives me hope at a time when I’m beyond sleep deprived. You’re a good man and a great father. Hopefully I can follow suit…
OK, i gotta go fish my baby out of the toilet… : )
I can’t believe she used the “my mom died” excuse! That’s ballsy… and really wicked of her. Hang in there and cherish the time you get to spend with your daughter before she grows up to talk back & not want to be around you. You survived two weeks – which is more than a lot of guys can admit to – I think you’ll be fine. You seem like a more than capable, 100% loving, dad.
Hey, just be grateful she sleeps at all! I would put the car seat (with my kid in it) on top of the dryer when it was running (waiting/fearing for it to slowly vibrate off the side) or drive them round and round the same single block til they dozed off. And then, of course, not daring to wake them, I would sit in a parked car staring out the window for an hour, re-reading my 1984 Toyota Corolla’s driver’s manual for the umpteenth time.
[...] three year old. It was just daddy and his littlest (thanks to my babysitter bailing on me with a bs “mom just died” excuse). i was parked behind this sign. actually, the Asian lumberjack [...]
There should be designated empty parking lots in every city for parents to mindlessly drive their kids around in so they can sleep (the kids that is). Just do laps without having to stop for stop signs, red lights and other traffic. Mine has a highly attuned sensor where she won’t wake-up if its a traffic signal or traffic related cause, but will the INSTANT I “stop” in a parking space. WTH??!! ;-o GO BACK TO SLEEP!! I JUST USED UP 5 GALLONS OF GAS GOING “NOWHERE”…..YOU ARE NOT WAKING UP NOW!! She’s also good at falling asleep JUST BEFORE we get to where we need to be going….and in the 6+ yrs that’s she’s been breathing, I have never yet been able to extricate her from the car without her waking up…..as some kids are magically able to do. ;-p ~sigh~
For us, we explored day care….and grandma care. Neither would have been a good idea. The day cares were not going to be teaching her anything…..except bad habits. Grandma doesn’t have the energy to do it full-time, or for more than a short-stretch….plus she is not used to a very active child (I was much more easy to manage…she says). We didn’t really want other people to be taking care of and influencing our child and it didn’t make financial sense to be working just to pay them to do it. So, I made the choice to be a stay-at-home father……at least for a while.
We thought it’d be easier once she started school…….but nooooooo…..idiotic inconsistent/irregular school schedules. WTH??!! Plus, we’ve been busy trying to get her properly situated in a suitable class/grade/school for her abilities so I have been actively involved at her school and also at researching/campaigning to get her into alternative (“better”) schools.
I learned that you can try to “do it all”, but if you are not able to juggle everything for whatever reason, you need to make sure you don’t drop the most important ball….which may be different for each of us. For me, it was being actively involved in my daughter’s life and her education. We might even do the homeschool route (like we did in her 1st 5 yrs anyway) as I am very discouraged with the low level of standards/expectations in the school system. I also had a very serious health scare and that made my time with her even more important.
You went to some good schools…..so you know that the quality of schools does matter, especially if your child is more advanced (academically) than her peer/age group. Try to be in a good school/district area as it makes life a lot easier and it will be one less thing to worry about.
Very Best Wishes….
Psssst……buy a lottery ticket…..if you win the jackpot then some/many of your problems will be solved.