You see that shit right there?  That shit speaks for itself.  That’s why it had to go before all this gibberish I’m about to unleash on you.

Butter is fucking awesome.  Pardon the language but the word ‘awesome’ by itself cannot encompass the entirety of butter’s awesomeness.  Comprende?

So for circumstances I won’t bore you with – even though it is impossible for me to bore you with any story about me because I am the most exciting person in the world – my diet was restricted only to plain foods.  Yes, you read that right, sir or madam: PLAIN FOODS.

For weeks, I ate only unsalted crackers; plain white bread; and flavorless rice porridge.

Do you know what flavorless rice porridge tastes like?  Exactly like what you think ‘flavorless’ would entail, except more so.  Not only is it lacking flavor, it lacks so much flavor that it creates a black hole which sucks out all past flavors you may have ever had in your mouth before, like some murderous, flavor-killing sentient DeLorean.

where is john connor?!

To compound this, the texture doesn’t do it any favors, which feels like you are vomiting in reverse.  In slow motion.

Thankfully, much like good things in my life, it came to an end sooner rather than later and I was able to introduce some old friends back into my diet with a renewed appreciation.  Meaty foods, fried foods, sushi – all these old culinary comrades were having a party in my mouth again, having an amazing taste bud orgy.  Sweet jeebus, it was great!

But all those bland days stuffing plain crackers and bread in my mouth highlighted one basic spread I’d never given it’s just due: BUTTER.  Creamy… luscious… butter…

I can sit here all day and tell you about how kick-ass that little yellow stick is – which you should already know – but what I can’t tell you is the taste.  I hope none of you out there on the Internets is deprived enough not to know about butter, but most of y’all know what I’m talking about.  That flavor, that essence, the one that you have to lick off your fingers after a tubful of popcorn at the movie theater because, YES, it is that good on its own, by itself.

I literally just toasted a slice of white bread and liberally threw some butter on it and I instantly had a handful of delicious.  The soft and crisp duality of toasted bread folded over that tasty, melty yellow… I’m getting crumbs over my keyboard as I type.

Any other readers share this same reverence for the delightful spread?  Post your deep thoughts, philosophical ideas, and lyrical poems about it in the comments – I would love to hear from you like I would love to have butter not be unhealthy.

And just because I’m me and I’ve got nothing butter to do, I wanted to remind everyone of Last Tango in Paris.

Have a nice day!