When I hang out with my fellow Offenders, our social interactions always usually revolve around food. Most of us will pretty much eat anything and in mass quantities because we’re slobs pigs passionate about the things that make life worth living. I say this because I want to make it clear that I’m not one of those guys who only eat salads and oatmeal and protein bars and my fellow Offenders will back me up on that. If I feel like eating a large pizza with everything on it, then, damn it, that’s exactly what I’ll eat with no apologies and guilt.

But there is one thing I try to resist as much as I can. And this is it:

It’s Thrifty brand ice cream—sold exclusively at Rite-Aid stores (the drug store chain formerly known as Thrifty, hence, the name). When I was a kid, Thrifty’s ice cream was one of the best deals you could get—that delicious square scoop cost only 25 cents. For just a quarter, you could throw a party in your mouth and everyone was invited!

A scoop costs more these days but Thrifty’s ice cream is still a great bargain. However, here’s my problem. If I could walk into Rite-Aid and walk out with just a scoop or even two, that’d be cool. But you can also buy a whole packaged carton of the very same ice cream for just a couple of dollars more. Sometimes if Rite-Aid is running a special promotion, you can even get two cartons for the price of one! And that’s my problem—a scoop or two is not enough, I have to walk out with a carton.

“What’s wrong with that?” You may ask. “You are making the smarter, more economic choice.”

Well, the thing is…Thrifty’s ice cream is my crack. If it’s around, I CANNOT stop eating it. I have no self-control. The best thing for me to do is to avoid it. And I’ve been good and resisted it for the past ten months but all that came crashing to an end this week. We’ve been experiencing a heat wave recently and…well, how can you say no to ice cream when it’s hot? The other night, I was about to go to bed but the siren call of Thrifty’s ice cream was too strong. I drove down to my local 24-hour Rite-Aid at 2 AM and bought a carton of Pistachio Nut. But I was going to practice self-control and slowly eat the ice cream over a period of one two three weeks.

However, as I write this, I am looking at an empty carton of Thrifty’s Pistachio Nut ice cream and I realized that I finished the whole thing in just one night two days three days. I clearly have a problem and I hate myself. And the sad thing is—the only thing that will probably make me feel better is more Thrifty’s ice cream. Damn you, Rite-Aid in Los Feliz, for being open 24 hours!

I’m sure many of our female readers are wondering—“If I were on a date with Phil, what would I need to do to take advantage of him? Would I need to get him drunk? Would I need to give him expensive gifts? Compose a beautiful love sonnet? What?!” Nope, just take me out for Thrifty’s ice cream. I will totally put out for that stuff. I’m admitting this for the first time here–I am a Thrifty ice cream ‘ho!

So while I make another late night run to Rite-Aid, I leave you with this: