Moviegoing, for me, is the closest thing I’ve got to ceremony in my life.  In my habits here, I am very predictable.

I always show up about thirty minutes before showtime – twenty at the latest – to make sure I get a seat in the middle of the middle of the theater, generally the aural sweet spot of the space.

I buy a box of Red Vines to get through over the course of the movie.

And, of course, I store the ticket stub in my wallet to add to my bulging collection in there.

If filmmaking is a religion, the movie theater is my church and so with it comes, fittingly, certain expectations of conduct.

Let’s start with the obvious thing to bitch about: talking.  So many people are in agreement with this that most, if not all, theaters have a sort of PSA about it prior to the movie starting.  You know the one I’m talking about.

It’s the one with the cheesy graphics asking you politely to “refrain from talking.”  Haha – everyone knows you don’t get anything by asking politely.

Anyway, yeah – no shit.  Moviegoers aren’t spending two hours in the dark to hear you talk; there are more beautiful and important people up on screen to pay attention to.  And if s/he is so important to you, why did you bring your baby to the theater when s/he’s probably scared of the dark?

Then there’s the problem that’s awkward enough for these PSAs to avoid: the amorous couple.

For whatever reason, no theater has the balls to say, “Please don’t make out or cop a feel during the movie.”  Well, look at what you’ve wrought.

Yes, I know I said asking politely never got anyone anything, but hell – it’s at least worth a shot.  Look, I’m not one of those sticklers who gets up in arms about people chewing in theaters, but if you’re eating anything other than food while the movie’s running, I won’t hesitate to ruin the mood.

And trust me: if there’s one thing I’m great at, it’s mood-ruining.

Hey, I’ve been there before.  But if you’re just going to the theater ’cause that hotel’s lookin’ mighty expensive, at least have the courtesy to take the isolated set of seats at the edges of the auditorium.  I mean, come on.

Then finally, there’s my favorite new annoyance in the world: the texter/tweeter.

A surprisingly large number of people don’t understand this one.  Yes, I get it: your phone is on silent.  You’re not making any sound by texting.  But we’re not talking about the sound here.

IT’S THE FUCKING LIGHT ON THE SCREEN.

Just a wild guess here, but there’s probably a reason why they turn down the house lights before the movie starts.  And the darker the space gets, the more obvious and distracting the light on your phone becomes.

You know what it’s like?  It’s like a goddamn lighthouse in the middle of the night.  Except instead of marking land for people at sea, it’s annoying the shit out of people.

Looking at it practically, why are you even at the theater and paying for a ticket if you are just going to tweet to your 40 followers that “THIS MOVIE IS SLOOOOOOOOW”?

This one drives me the most insane because at least with the other two, the people doing the acts know they’re in the wrong.  Most of these texters/tweeters are often oblivious to how irritating they’re being, so they often respond to rebuking with a misguided sense of self-righteousness.

I guess I’ll close with the censored version of a video Anderson posted this week, just in case you’re too lazy to read (and who isn’t?):

Fun times.