I can’t disclose what he or she looks like. I can’t talk about the sound of his or her voice. I can say I’m having coffee with Satan. I am allowed to talk about what he or she is not. Satan doesn’t wear red. Satan doesn’t look evil. Satan is perhaps the last person you would ever expect. But S. has agreed to speak to me occasionally on a number of topics. Over coffee.

N: The 10th anniversary of 9/11 just passed. So, it would be fitting for me to ask you, were you involved in that in any way?

S: I was not involved in the act. But I worked on the publicity tour. 9/11 made everyone feel vulnerable and weak. An event like that is like good manure. Fertile grounds to plant evil. When people are weak, they make selfish decisions. Shooting fish in a barrel, bro. Evil sprouted like weeds. I wasn’t even involved in half of it. I got kind of lazy and out of shape, actually, during the last ten years — as you can see.

N: You look fine.

S: Yea? Thanks. I’m trying to stay in shape though. Less red meat, more veggies.

N: A friend of mine, she’s black, during 9/11, said to me, “they’re ain’t nothing scarier than scared white folks”.

S: That’s true. White people are on top, at the moment, so it’s always good to attack the head of the herd. Everyone looks up to whites. So when you see on TV, a white dude who’s normally confident and has a sense of entitlement crying and disoriented, that scares the shit out of you. That works on many levels. Conversely, when you see on TV, someone black or Indian losing their village or whatever, you feel safe, like it’s far away. Some feel guilty, but that type of thing is pretty ineffective overall. No one gives a shit. That’s development hell.

N: What is your process? How do you find ways to release evil in the world?

S: I go to work like everybody else. It’s not a big deal. It’s hard work. People’s emotions are very unpredictable. I have a team of people I work with. We pitch ideas. We have groups that work on projects. Some work, some don’t.

N: What has worked?

S: Texting is one of my proudest inventions.

N: That’s yours.

S: Someone on my team came up with it, but I’ll take the credit.

N: Okay, why is texting evil.

S: People are more afraid of each other today than ever. Fear is obviously a great source of “evil potential”. When you’re scared, you do evil shit. You blame other groups, usually that have nothing to do with it, which is really cool.

Texting helps you avoid people, it castrates human communication on so many levels. Kids today text while they converse with each other. Let’s say you’re having an argument with a friend. Texting and emailing can lengthen that misunderstanding for months, or even years. Whereas, if you met them face-to-face, you could resolve it in five minutes. Just amazing.

N: Emails too?

S: Oh yea. Emails are wonderful. People see emotions in emails that don’t even exist. They think someone is upset. Emails are designed to look aggressive. They’re great. And now emails and texts are tied together on cell phones. It’s beautiful. No one can live without it. That’s why I got so fat! It’s so easy now.

N: Not to mention, people texting and emailing while they drive.

S: Astonishing, right? So many people get killed or disfigured, or lose their faculties in a violent car accident, all because they texted “Where R U” or “LOL”.

N: Did you come up with “LOL”.

S: As a side bet with one of the people on my team. I lost, actually. But I’ll take that kind of defeat any day. I’m laughing out loud all the time, now.

N: I’m seeing a pattern here. Part of sprouting evil is “dehumanizing” something.

S: Duh. It’s always been that way. Who do you think invented cars?

N: You?

S: Nothing dehumanizes a person more than car. A hunk of metal that has enough power to kill a dozen people. Horses and chariots worked for a while. Made people feel smaller. But they weren’t fast enough. And the horses look sympathetic. Today, teenagers can drive 2,000 lbs of metal. Legally. A teenager and a car is the last two things that should ever come together. A teen is nihilistic by nature. Now, a teenager, a car and a cell phone… that is poetry in motion. Massacres waiting to happen. Balow!

N: You’re a poet. Of pure evil.

S: Thank you. I appreciate that. Have you noticed how bad drivers are getting? How easy tempers flare? It’s a fucking asteroid field out there. There’s shit you don’t even know about.

N: I nearly got into three accidents coming here. That’s you?

S: Come on, dude. Not to mention that cars run on gas, which is toxic for human lungs and causes diseases, cancer and a bunch of other shit you guys won’t know about for decades. You gotta give credit where credit is due, bro. I’m sick of hearing how great human technology is. What about the technology of evil?
(Gets a text, which he reads for a few seconds)
Look bro, I gotta run. There’s a project I’m really excited about. Can’t wait for my team to come up with great shit.

N: Only for you to take the credit?

S: Naturally. Hey, I’ll get the coffee. Good talking to you.

N: One more question.

S: Only because you have a great smile. I could use that smile.

N: Thanks, I guess…. uh, is the end of the world really coming?

S: Let me just say it like this, for a human being – an entity that uses only 10% of its brain at one time — to believe they can calculate such a thing is laughable on such a titanic level.

It’s fucking mesmerizing. Beyond words and numbers. This person is big bangingly naive. Of course, I encourage the 2012 shit, because nothing promotes evil more than the promise of an apocalypse. Also, people are so terrified of dying that they secretly feel it would be more fun to all go at the same time. You realize how many people are going to fuck themselves up because of that fear alone. I can’t wait.

N: So, I’ll text or email you?

S: Totally, dude.